


Chasing Rabbits

by KyrieFortune



Series: Chasing Rabbits [1]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V
Genre: Alcohol, College!AU, F/M, I had to invent a couple surnames for reasons, Implied Kurosaki Shun/Shiunin Sora, Implied Serena/Hiiragi Yuzu, Implied Serena/Kurosaki Ruri, Implied Yuri/Shiunin Sora, Implied Yuri/Yugo, Implied cameos of some other people from other YGOs, It's not that dark I swear, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Psychotropic Drugs, Suicide Attempt, Surprise ship!!, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:37:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 65,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5216420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyrieFortune/pseuds/KyrieFortune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuuya - an university student, discovering sides of him he would never suspect, going to places he's not suposed to go to, trying things he's not supposed to try, who will ask himself many things about his life and nature.<br/>Yuuto - a rebel against the basic rules of society, facing a rupture in his life he'd never thought would happen and leave him broken, having to collect the pieces of his life over and over.<br/>Yuugo - a passionate idealist with huge life goals, incapable of doing and being what society tells everyone to do and be, walking step-by-step on the harsh path of self-realisation.<br/>Yuuri - a dandy with unclean, immoral ideas, a lover full of vices and with few virtues, who has to face his past before building the bases of any kind of future.</p><p>Everyone has one's own effimeral rabbit to chase and catch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Yuuya

**Author's Note:**

> FANWORK: http://defelicious.tumblr.com/post/133623156057/im-sort-of-an-artist-just-once-a-year-when-the i'm crying it's beautiful give the man a hug
> 
> HELP I CREATED A MONSTER
> 
> First off, the hugest thanks to the Triade Amorosa for letting me publish this abomination in English, despite the fact it's the Big Bang ITALIA. Un sapete quanto vi voglio bene, davvero.  
> Second, another huge thanks to Artie/Christina/Michelle *wonk*, who beta'd the whole godzilla in the middle of the night - I have no idea how would I ever repay you!  
> Third, thank you, all of you who beared with me during the construction of this monstrosity and have seen its growing from a humble, self-fulfilling smut to whatever this is - and it's supposed to have MORE stuff, and many things aren't fully developed as I wished, but I had no more time to check.
> 
> Comments from all of you are extremely appreciated, more than ever! \o\ [sends kisses and warm tea]
> 
> (I would also like to thank the Jefferson Airplane for the title inspiration, and Iria and Sabaku no Maiku/Mike of the Desert for a small thing called "the entire characterisation of Yuuri" and they don't even know it)

**Y** uuya got bored easily, after finally finishing an exam session, and boredom got the best of him just when the weather got warmer, making his clothes and the sheets stick to his slightly sweating body. That spring was particularly hot, just to give a taste of what summer had for everyone (a lot of showers, that was for sure). Worst of all, everyone he knew, barred his roommate Yuuto, were back home, enjoying the rightful break before the next semester; he had wanted to enjoy his break with his mother, but of course, she decided to enjoy her own freedom and went to Okinawa for a couple weeks without warning him beforehand.

«This suuuucks» he sighed, abandoned without energy on the bed.

«Put some more clothes on, please».

«But it’s hot!».

«Sakaki, you only have your boxers on». Yuuya turned around just in time to get a glimpse of Yuuto pretending not to have stared at his ass all the time.

He got up and grabbed the first t-shirt on hand, not even bothering with covering his legs, nor his morning wood.

«Sakaki, for fuck’s sake».

«What, I get to see yours everyday, and I’m not complaining!». Yuuya grunted and put on his tracksuit pants, still not bothering to cover the bulge in his underwear, but at least it wasn’t that noticeable. Yuuya didn’t bother to put on his slippers, and walked to the small balcony facing a wide sideroad of Musashino, and lit one of his cigarettes, a popular cheap brand called Mevius. He observed the first puff of smoke of the day dispersing in the thin morning air.

«You already smoked?» Yuuya asked Yuuto.

«No, not yet» he answered; the coffee maker began to whistle and bubble, and Yuuto turned off the cooker and filled his mug, then joining Yuuya into his navel gazing.

«Don’t knock it over» Yuuya scolded him, when Yuuto put the mug on the corner of the railing to light his cigarette, its smoke a bit stronger than Yuuya’s.

«Shut up» Yuuto answered and puffed from his mouth, before blowing on his hot drink and sipping it carefully.

Despite the hour, the one when usually people rushed around to go to work before offices opened, the streets were barren and the atmosphere felt drowsy; everyone was either sleeping late, or had already packed everything for a travel on Golden Week, like Yuuya’s mum going sunbathing in Okinawa, or Yuzu going with her friends to Nara and Kyoto (why such an obvious destination, tho, she’s already been there countless times). He stupidly refused her invitation, hoping he would get some time to spend with his mum, since it has been ages since she last saw her in person - and he got dumped.

It wasn’t as bad as how Yuuto got dumped, but still.

Yuuto drank his coffee with care, it was still boiling hot, and alternated his slow drinks with the nicotine. It was kind of their routine, smoking together in the morning, it almost looked like they were sharing a life together, which… technically was right, but not in a romantic or sexual way, they were roommates after all. Yuuya wasn’t even all that interested in men, maybe just a tad bit, but he wasn’t sure at all if he genuinely would want a man in his bed like he would want a woman; Yuuto, of the other hand, didn’t dig chicks at all, and if he did, he didn’t care to check, since he had known and loved the same person for such a long time.

But it didn’t matter anymore, not since Shun broke up with him, after ten years that turned into ash with a couple words.

«You’ve still got your wood, Sakaki».

«I’ll take care of it after this cig, Masaki». Yuuya giggled, it really felt they were together, sometimes, commenting with such openness about basic corporal functions, something Yuuya couldn’t do not even with his best friend Gongenzaka… probably forced closeness had that effect.

«Hey, Sakaki, wanna hang out tonight?».

«Where?».

«The usual place at Shinjuku».

Oh, yeah, _that_.

There was this man-only discotheque where Yuuto and Shun used to hang out, the kind of disco where men go to meet other men and make out, pretty much like in regular clubs. Of course, Yuuya wasn’t aware of its existence at first, it took him a whole year to discover the clubhouse, and the fact that Yuuto was homosexual. Thinking about it, the way he discovered all of that was amazingly stupid: he was hanging out with Yuzu, it was one of those Friday nights that would have ended up into a couple shot glasses of nihonshu, stolen from either’s parent’s booze stock, and awkward but still satisfying sex, and they were cruising in Shinjuku to pass the time, when they saw this place leading underground, with windows lining on the sidewalk, loud house music and colourful but dim lights, and only sweaty men dancing and drinking.

They had heard of gay clubs, of course, Yuuya had already performed in a jazz-themed one during his mini gigs to pay up university, his cute and easy-going personality conquered the hearts of the public (especially the heart of a drag queen who gave Yuuya his number - pretty much the first reason Yuuya had been dubious about his whole sexuality thing, even if he had never called back), but Yuzu was still surprised to find one in the pulsing heart of the serious, rigid country that was Japan. However, Yuuya didn’t bother, he had already seen a gay bar, after all. What really piqued his curiosity was a narrow alley next to it, where he glimpsed the figure of his roommate, Masaki Yuuto, clinging to another boy, taller than him, with lips pressed against each other and arms clasping around the other’s back, and then pulling out with an evident heavy breath, right before Yuuto knelt down.

Yuuya diverted his eyes in that moment, but what was seen couldn’t have been unseen anymore, and he had had sex with Yuzu enough times to know what Yuuto and his then mysterious lover were up to.

But, despite an obvious embarrassment, Yuuya didn’t really mind about Yuuto’s personal preferences, and even started to hang out with him and his then boyfriend at that place and sometimes underground pubs where they performed with their band; hopefully, nobody outside of that minuscule circle knew where Yuuya went some nights, especially after turning twenty, _especially_ after Yuuto was dumped and felt the need to catch up with all the casual sex he hadn’t had.

«Yeah, sure, why not» he answered, lazily taking another smoke. «It’s not like we got anywhere else to go!».

«We can go looking for another club, or just watch a movie».

«The usual place’s okay, just don’t leave me alone as usual».

«Can’t promise that». Yuuto drank his now a bit cooled down coffee, roaming with his gaze on a group of children biking and laughing gleefully down the main street. «Why don’t you go clubbing where you can find girls anyway?» he asked «That would be more interesting for you, won’t it?».

«Yeah, I _could_ ».

«Don’t tell me I’m getting you into men! If anybody finds out, they’re gonna kill me».

Yuuya laughed and said «Don’t worry, if anything strange happens, I’ll be the first one to punch you in the face».

Yuuto snorted and went back inside to finish his breakfast and cigarette, and probably staring at his ass, Yuuya guessed. Even if he did, he let him, it wasn’t like he was going to ask him out anyway.

«Are you going to take care of that wood or not?».

«I’m done, geez» he said, with a last puff, and headed to the bathroom with an annoyed grunt to take care of himself as quickly as possible, before having his small breakfast. It was somehow dry and not pleasant, but not horrible either, it was simply needed to be done.

The rest of the day was dull. It was nice, after weeks of desperate last-minute studying, to simply have nothing to do but stay on the computer and watch TV, maybe grab the portable console and try to finish that mission they have been stuck on for ages, and then throw it on the sofa in a fit of anger after the nth failure and go shower and clean themselves. The only “important” event before dinner was the couple living right in front of them quarreling over, as far as they understood, yet another betrayal, but they have never understood who was betraying whom and with whom, until they stopped shouting to cuddle their crying and frightened daughter. Yuuya had glared countless times to the window, when the woman carelessly walked around home with her breasts uncovered blasting ‘80 music - he wasn’t sure if Yuuto did the same with her husband.

«You look like you’re going to a party» Yuuto joked in front of the mirror.

«Look who’s talking, you’re putting double the eyeliner!» Yuuya replied «And we are kinda going to a party, aren’t we».

«C’mon, just wanted to tease you a bit».

«You’re terrible at teasing, Masaki».

Yuuto hit him with his elbow, or at least tried to, Yuuya knew way too well how his roommate reacted to all the subtle jokes he regularly threw at him.

Both of them were surprised to see the club as full as ever, both inside and outside where people went to smoke; apparently, not even the Golden Week stopped people from trying to hit on other people, although many of them surely lied to their relatives and friends about where they were heading for the night. Nobody needed to enter the building to hear the bass pounding or the dark lights projecting distorting shadows over everyone’s faces. That combination had always confused Yuuya, it made hard to tell apart who’s who.

«Let’s go grab something to drink» Yuuto said, not even stepping inside.

«Yeah, let’s» Yuuya answered. It was not like they did anything different, apart from drinking, and in the case of Yuuto hiding in a dark room with some stranger, and in the case of Yuuya small talking and having to turn down whoever threw one too much look at his ass. That night, maybe it was the egregious playlist pumping in their heads, maybe it was the countless disappointments Yuuya had in the last days, he wasn’t in the mood of talking. He hoped his usual vodka on the rocks helped him untie his tongue and keep his smile on.

«Tch, tonight’s gonna be shitty».

«What makes you say so, Masaki?».

«It’s almost all bears, everywhere, ya see?».

«I thought you liked big muscles».

«I don’t mind them, but they’re all ugly tonight for my tastes» he snarled «I hope there’s someone decent-looking tonight, I’m not that desperate». Yuuto ordered a beer - or rather, the bartender saw him and immediately gave him a beer as soon as he recognised him, and did the same with Yuuya’s vodka. «You gotta try something different sometimes, guys» he told them, and both gave the hint of a smile, and gulped their drinks at the same time, which made them laugh.

As soon as the seats got vacant, someone else occupied them, to order a drink for themselves or for someone else and impress the other. After what was a very short span of time, Yuuto tapped Yuuya’s shoulder and said something in the vein of «Wait here, I’ll be back in ten minutes», and went away in the crowd with a guy who, like usual, none of them had seen before, with whom Yuuto talked five minute at most, and whose face Yuuya couldn't even see.

And with that, Yuuya was left alone at the counter. Not really alone, since it was packed with many, many strangers ordering their drinks, but he had nobody to talk to, nor he really wanted to talk with anyone: he had already received a couple flirts the other times he went there with Yuuto, and while he had felt flattered… well, he wasn’t completely ok with the idea of getting drunk and dragged into a bathroom to fuck with a stranger. He wasn’t completely contrary either, but he wanted to stay lucid the first time he would have gay sex. He didn’t properly like men, but Yuuto dragged him in so many gay bars so many times, Yuuya knew it was bound to happen, sooner or later, and he wasn’t the kind of guy that refuses a fun chance - if, of course, it was actually going to be fun.

He looked down at the clear liquid and took a gulp, feeling his throat burn a bit as the alcohol run down to his stomach. His face immediately flushed, but it took some time to feel his head a bit higher and the music pumping harder in his ears.

He had almost finished his vodka on the rocks, and Yuuto was still nowhere to be found; he was getting very frustrated.

«May I sit here?» a mellifluous voice asked barely seconds after the sit next to Yuuya became vacant. He gestured with his glass, clinking the ice cubes, and slurred «Do as you please».

For a moment, he thought the alcohol and the lights finally got the best of him and he was finally seeing pink elephants; the guy who just sat next to him looked exactly like him, even more than Yuuto did, but his expression was calmer and more mischievous. The young man smiled and asked «This is not a proper place to drown your sorrows all alone, is it?».

Yuuya avoided his eyes and replied «I’m not drowning anything, and I wasn’t supposed to be alone anyway».

«But you’re drinking alone, that’s a shame». The young man turned to ask the bartender «Have you got some “Death in the Afternoon”?».

«Where do you think we are, at the Royal Palace?».

«Oh, I know you can make some, I saw a bottle of absinthe, right there». He pointed with one of his pale, elegant fingers, a full bottle of a clear green liquid that was essentially hidden in plain sight between a half-full bottle of Jägermeister and an almost empty bottle of umeshu. The bartender seemed himself surprised to notice it - a bartender who didn’t know what liquors he had.

«Oh, well… you better have a lot of cash for this».

The young man smiled and turned to face Yuuya again. «So, what is doing a cute face like you, drinking all alone?» he asked, twirling a lock of purple hair around his fingers.

«I went with a friend, and he left me here, probably getting fucked in the ass in a dark room». Yuuya gulped down the last drops of watered down alcohol and slammed the glass on the table. His face was flushing not just because of the drunkenness, but also because a guy was very clearly hitting on him, and a cute guy to boot. And he wasn’t sure his physical appreciation of the stranger was all the vodka’s fault, at that point of the evening and of his life.

The other young man chuckled softly. He looked away, still tormenting the hair behind his ear, when the bartender placed a flute full of a pale green, milky-like liquid, that looked more like a potion than a cocktail. He handed quite the money to the bartender, who whistled happily counting the banknotes, and took a slow sip; Yuuya found himself spying his gestures, the way his thin lips rested on the glass, letting the liquid flow in between, his knuckles gently clutching the glass - Yuuya turned away his eyes and thought wow was he getting gayer and gayer.

«You are supposed to drink five of these, you know?» the other said.

«Really?» Yuuya asked, pretending he wasn’t boiling in embarrassment.

«I doubt I will ever manage to drink more than two of this, to be fair». He made it swirl around and took another sip.

«Why?».

The guy clinked his glass against Yuuya’s, creating a silvery sound that Yuuya barely heard over the music.

«Would you like to find it out yourself?» he asked with a sly smile.

Yuuya looked at the cocktail with suspicious, it didn’t look… safe. Or sane. If such a thing as an insane-looking alcohol mix was possible. He took the glass nonetheless and sipped really carefully. It was a bit fizzy, and really herbal, and then his brain received a huge shock.

«Holy - how can you drink this?!».

«Strong, uh?». The young man laughed and took back his glass.

«Yeah. I’ll stick with vodka, thanks». The aftertaste of aniseed on his tongue wasn’t really bad, but the alcohol kick made his head feel higher. «I’ll get another on the rocks».

«Not into cocktails?».

«Not much, too fancy for me».

«That says a lot about you» the other said snarky.

«Was that an insult?».

«Perhaps». He sipped his death whatever once again, getting his glass half empty. «So» he asked, swirling the liquid again «what’s your deal with life?».

«Uh...» was he supposed to answer him? He was flirting with him, he definitely wanted to suck his dick or… whatever he wanted to do, but would some small talk really hurt him? «I study architecture at the University of Tokyo» he answered in the end.

«Mh, I thought I saw you somewhere… that explains that feeling».

«Do you study architecture too?».

«No, I’m majoring in Letters, but I often attend university parties and meet people from other courses of study… maybe I saw you during one of these».

«It’s possible, sometimes I organize shows to entertain the other students!».

«Oh, that is interesting» he smirked and raised his eyebrows in surprise, asking «Are you Sakaki Yuuya, by any chance?».

«Yeah, it’s me» he answered with a dorky smile, embarrassed and flattered to know someone recognized him for his cabaret numbers; he gladly took his refilled glass of alcohol and took a nice gulp of it, again tickling his throat. The other student smiled and said «I’m Tamaki Yuuri, a pleasure to meet you».

Tamaki Yuuri, another guy with a name weirdly similar to his… what a coincidence.

Yuuri continued «Why are you not having fun then?».

Yuuya shrugged, took another confident sip and answered «I don’t really like this kind of music, and I’m not even here to pick up guys».

«Yeah, the music is pretty tasteless». Yuuri’s drink was almost done, and even under the confusing lights Yuuya could notice the other’s face was more flushed after a whole flute of absinthe and whatever else was in there, sparkling wine? Something sparkling for sure.

The music stopped, finally, but the following roar was painful to their eardrums, and a even more upbeat, annoying track played. Yuuya gulped a huge amount of vodka to finish it quickly, regretting it after three seconds, when the cool alcohol froze his brain and provoked a sort of terrible pinch on his nose.

«Do ya want to get out of there?» he asked.

«What about your friend?».

«I’ll send him a message, he can go back home by himself in case».

He noticed Yuuri’s smirk growing wider, even creepier… but it was most likely an effect of lights, everything looked weird or creep under those lights. They both finished their drinks as quickly as possible, Yuuya handed a bunch on yen to the bartender and they squished their way out between other guys and couples not moving out of their way. They managed to get their hands stamped, just in case they needed to get back in, and laid their backs on the concrete wall, the music pumping muffled through the doors and windows. Yuuya put out his half-empty pack of Mevius cigarettes and took one between his lips. «You want one?» he inquired.

«No, thanks, I’ve got mine» Yuuri replied, taking out an elegant steel box and then opening it to reveal his black cigarettes that looked way fancier than the common cigarettes Yuuya smoked.

«Wow, they look expensive!» he commented, afterwards thinking he should stop having such a direct brain-mouth link.

«They’re just Black Devil, you can find them anywhere» Yuuri giggled, and put his cigarette between his lips as well, lighting it and taking a deep breath in, before exhaling a puff of smoke that smelt like rich chocolate. Yuuya lit his own stick and took himself a huge puff of burnt tobacco, let it rest in his mouth before inhaling it in his lungs and exhaling it from his nostrils. The nicotine quickly sent satisfactory waves through his nerves and Yuuya couldn’t help but let a small giggle out.

He observed Yuuri: his figure was thin, his skin was so pale it looked ill and transparent under the neon lights, and his purple and magenta hair only gave him a more decadent look; his slim, white fingers, such a stark difference against his black cigarettes, ended with fine nails lacquered in dark purple varnish, matching his shirt with sleeves rolled up to the elbow. And his face. Oh God, his face. Even if it looked a bit like Yuuya’s, it wa different, more _royal_ , with all that pure alabaster skin tainted by the alcohol flush, and his thin but luscious lips, and his deep magenta eyes shining under long eyelashes, the ones people feel like they’re being probed and analyzed by to the very core.

Yuuya shook his head to dissolve the thoughts that aroused in his mind. His head felt lighter than ever, and he hiccuped.

«You alright?» Yuuri asked.

«Yeah, I’m just drunk, happens after two glasses of vodka». They both laughed and let their heads dangle a bit, and took another breath of smoke. «Guess ya’re as drunk as me».

«Probably, absinthe is way stronger than that cheap vodka they gave you».

«Hey, I like it, and doesn’t ask for my blood as a payment». He let the smoke in his mouth, tasting the awful scent of burnt leaves, and then asked, just to keep his mind occupied «How did you get to know that cocktail anyway? I didn’t know absinthe was available here anyhow».

«I had a exam about Hemingway last week, and he was fond of this drink, so I figured out I could go around bars until I could try it».

«You actually went pubbing just to taste that one mix? Wow, that’s dedication».

«What can I say, I’ve got a soft spot for excess». His eyes skimmed the dark starless sky through the smoke wisps. «Although I’ve got some more plans for tonight than just tasting an old drink» he smirked, throwing a truly unmistakable glance at Yuuya.

There was a sonorous gulp from the red-headed one.

Yuuri turned, got so close to him Yuuya felt his breath condense on his neck, and whispered «What do you think, Sakaki? We could go look for a love hotel, get ourselves a nice room, and have some fun, just the two of us» with a lustful grin.

Of course he was aiming at that, what else would anyone aim in that damn place. It wasn’t like he wasn’t titillated by the offer, just the idea of Yuuri’s slender fingers all over his body aroused him - good job on getting even gayer and more confused, ‘ya - but the alcohol was most likely installing those thoughts in his brain. He looked away, taking a short tobacco shot, and slurred «Sorry, I don’t really swing that way… I think».

«You _think_?». Yuuri’s look was bewildered. «You have never tried it out?».

«No, and I want to be lucid when I’ll try it out, and now I ain’t lucid, you know».

«That’s a shame, but… I understand». Yuuya could smell the mix of tobacco and chocolate and Yuuri’s lips uncomfortably warm over his skin, even if they weren’t touching it. Or comfortably. Yuuya couldn’t tell anymore.

«I can call ya when I’ll feel ready, if you want to». Why did his mouth open and said things not even his brain conceived. Why was he flirting with another man so unashamedly, while being all precious and virginal and - Yuuya _really_ hoped it was just an unexpected side effect of the brain shock the vodka did on him.

«You’re really drunk, aren’t you, mh?» Yuuri snickered «And how am I going to make sure you’ll call me?».

Yuuya tried to answer something, anything that would be less embarrassing, but the sudden touch on his jawline cut his breath and his already compromised ability to think coherently. Just in the right spot, Yuuri’s lips began to suck a small section on his skin, just below his earlobe, firmly and sensually, and Yuuya had to close his eyes and do his best not to moan, that spot was too sensitive for him, and Yuuri surely knew how to press and suck with his thin, pink lips and make his heart pump quicker when the rhythm got steadier and opened up his mouth just to let the tip of his warm tongue slide over. Yuuya felt the other’s lips turn into a smirk over his skin, and afterwards the sucking got heavier, the flesh warmer, and the mouth opening and letting the tongue trail over the hickey.

A gasp escaped Yuuya’s own lips the moment his stomach shivered at the touch of cold fingertips. He heard Yuuri giggle and slide something under his pants, parting and taking a long smoke, almost mocking him, and muttered «I hope you know how to cover hickeys».

Yuuya gulped again and stroked his fingers over the spot Yuuri sucked and hoped it would not be too visible. «Do you always jump on people like that?» he asked.

«And do you always let people suck your neck?» Yuuri replied with a wider smirk, finishing his cigarette. Yuuya could almost see himself getting his cheeks as red as his own hair. «No, of course I don’t!» he defended himself, urging himself to finish the cigarette and calm his nerves «You jumped at me and I didn’t know how to react».

Yuuri giggled and bit his lips amused. «Try pushing me, maybe» he mocked Yuuya. «Call me next time you’re holding a show, will you?» he said. And walked away, smoking his black cigarette, before Yuuya could ask for answers.

“ _What the fuck just happened?_ ”.

Carefully, he took out a small greeting card out of his pants - really, he put it in his pants? - and read the cellphone number written on it, and next to it the name “Tamaki Yuuri”.

Yuuya wondered if that guy acted like that with everyone, and re-read the number again and again, and shoved the card deep in his pocket. He then realized his fingers were shaking, although it was imperceptible and only he noticed anyway. He then realized there was an uneasy tension in his pants, and muttered “shit” hoping no one noticed he just got a boner from a guy he just met, even if that happened all the time to anyone there, as far as he knew. He finished his cigarette and went back in the club, waiting for Yuuto to come back from the back rooms, or the bathrooms, or wherever he went to make out and possibly get his ass bashed, whose ass probably didn’t matter to Yuuto anyway.

The alcohol soon got a huge kick and all the sounds were amplified yet muffled, as if had to pass through paper in his ears. He still ordered another glass of vodka on the rocks, feelings lighter and more confused, the music sounded muffled and chaotic. He was so confused, he didn’t notice Yuuto tapping again on his shoulder.

«Oi, are you alright, Sakaki?» he asked. Next to him, another boy who Yuuya sweared looked like another of his long lost twin who didn’t exist, but whose facial features were softer, perhaps more childish, and showing a large smile full of… something. Satisfaction, maybe? He and Yuuto _did_ get a room, after all. And he had the weirdest feeling of dejà vu, as if he already met him.

«Yeah, I’m alright» Yuuya answered «Another guy gave me his number».

«And what did ya do?».

«I accepted it, what should I have done?».

«You’re -» Yuuto tried to reply, but he then renounced and sighed. «Nevermind. You wanna stay some more?».

«I would just get my ass drunk and feel sick, let’s get out of here».

The other guy hiccuped and slurred «Yeah, this music is shit, let’s get out of here! Hey, I know a good street food stand, you wanna grab something to eat? I’m hungry».

Yuuya stared at him, worried. «How much did he drink?». Before Yuuto could answer, the guy said «A beer, but it was a strong one!».

Yuuya sighed and got up, trying to stand up and not let his head spin more than necessary (easier said than done). The morning after, he still woke up with a sense of nausea and weak legs. The guy Yuuto hooked up with the night before was nowhere to be found, even tho Yuuya definitely remembered him roaming around their flat, crunching snacks.

  


**D** ays passed, and the weather got hotter and more humid, and Yuuya really wanted to go around the house mostly naked, like the woman in the house right in front of his. He really did not want to get his head on the architecture theory books or anything that resembled homeworks. Yuzu came back from her trip with her friends, and the first thing she did was texting him about her trip, and that didn’t help Yuuya getting back on his responsibilities. He’d really wanted to go on a trip with someone, with Yuzu herself maybe, or his best friend Gongenzaka, or just alone, doing things at his pace and meeting new, random people.

«I kinda miss Germany, you know?».

«You always kinda miss Germany, you dork».

Going out with Yuzu really helped him when he needed to concentrate on something, anything; she had those ways of moving and acting and talking that led him into focus and calmed him down when needed, maybe it was her experience as a vocalist for her all-female band, or maybe it was the fact that she didn’t keep herself from scolding him, something that he needed way too many times.

«I know, I say that everytime we go out!».

It was a shame that the one time they tried to put on a stable relationship, it didn’t work out. Of course, they still dated, and pretty much everyone considered them a couple, even their parents, everyone but them thought they were going to marry. They’d tried to be one, but Yuuya couldn’t have cared less to step from “friends who regularly fuck and have really vague romantic subplots” to “actual romanticism between two lovey-doveys”. The fact that even after breaking up, they kept on dating, with no romance involved and still the same amount of sex and some more booze to boot, only confirmed Yuuya’s idea of not wanting a relationship with Yuzu - if at all with anyone - since he was already content with what he had, which wasn’t little to begin with.

«Was Germany really that better than Japan?».

«I’m not sure, I’ve been there for three months, not all my life» Yuuya admitted.

«Maybe it’s because you had more freedom there, and that’s why you have a better impression».

«Thanks for ruining my memories, Yuzu» he joked, and poured some more umeshu in his glass, thinking to himself that it was going to be the last drop of alcohol of the night, he didn’t want his dick to stay asleep when he would have needed, if just to prevent a really annoying frustration.

«Hey, it's getting late, we should pay the bill».

«Right now? It's nice here, there's fresh air».

«You're broke right now, aren't you».

«Wha- no! I'm not!» Yuuya excused himself, then paused and corrected himself «Not completely, I can cover this dinner at least».

Yuzu sighed «You're spending too much, Yuuya».

«I'm not used to this little money anymore, that’s all». His mother used to give him money every month, but she'd started to give him less money since he told her he found a job, just something to round up, and he never had the guts to tell her he hadn't been working for a while… or that his job meant sitting in front of a public and talk to entertain them, she probably thought he meant some part-time in a records shop.

Yuzu insisted on paying their usual rounds of drinks anyway, always vodka on the rocks and umeshu for him, and circling between a variety of cocktails for her; she used to try out a new drink every time they got out, but in the end she stuck herself with the same mixes, although more colorful and various than Yuuya’s drinks of choice.

«It’s an all-black kind of day, uh?».

«Yeah» she answered over her second Black Russian (which, despite the colour, meant good news, Yuuya had quickly learnt: if she ordered fruity cocktails, usually peach-based ones, or in the worst cases cherry-based ones, it meant something was wrong and she needed to cheer herself up, and he would suggest let’s-make-you-happy-again sex; instead, if she ordered strong-flavoured mixes, like say, a Black Russian, then she felt assured and strong herself, and they would have let’s-celebrate sex. Since he learnt the system, it failed only once), and then explained «The girls and I have organised a new gig».

«Great!».

«Yeah, there was this friend of Rin and he was so excited and contacted a bunch of locals, I think his father knows pretty much all of the Tokyo underground ambient».

«A hotshot?».

«Maybe? I’m not sure». She slowly drank her alcohol and continued «Anyway, we’ve been rehearsing for new songs, Rin and Ruri are finally getting along with these, they even wrote one together!».

And then she went on and on, once she started about her band, it was impossible to stop her from talking, and talking, and tell how they got inspired by that sound, which came from that sub genre that got really popular in that age, the one with that famous singer, that famous guitarist, who by the way did you know he got the inspiration from that composer from centuries ago? And so on, and so on, once the alcohol plus music talk came on stage, Yuuya couldn’t ask one thing because she would interrupt him and continue her discourse which lost the topic of her band’s whereabouts seven pop songs and another cocktail ago. The only way for Yuuya to stop her was making her notice it was time to go back and sleep, and she would «Oh» a bit disappointed, and she would insist on paying her part (or, in that case, on paying the whole bill), and they would walk side by side. That night, maybe because he was excited to know she was being so popular, finally, and getting one gig after the other, he held her with an arm around the shoulder, keeping each other silently walking in a straight line, something that usually never happened, and caressed her skin. It was a bit warm at the touch, maybe she accidentally sunburnt a bit, he thought.

«My place or your place?» Yuzu asked.

«Mine, Masaki’s out for the night». Yuzu didn’t of course suspect where Yuuto usually went, or that sometimes Yuuya went with him. Of course, Yuuya had his secrets, and Yuzu surely had them as well, no relationship is so perfect to be void of secrets.

The spirits were so high, Yuzu didn’t even wait for Yuuya to close the door, in order to throw her purse on the floor, exactly where she stood, and get her hungry lips on his, slamming his body on the door and shutting it that way, and her hands on his zip, lower it and the edge of his boxers and take his half-hard penis in her small, precious hands, like the ones of a pianist. She nibbled his lips between a kiss and another and many, many half-moans half-grunts that still sounded beautiful, when it was her the one making them over her tongue with a faint coffee aftertaste.

In a matter of minutes, the floor around Yuuya’s bed was covered in shirts, jeans and Yuzu’s pale red panties, the ones with a thin lace (gosh, Yuuya felt he could lose his mind when she wore that pair of panties), and the bed itself creaked under the weight of the two of them naked, getting their head messy and their bodies sweating, her fingers tight around his erection, moving along its length, and his fingers probing inside her vagina, getting gradually wider and wetter. Yuuya could see her whole body a faint red, except where a swimsuit would have been worn - it was clear she did something more than petting deers and visiting temples, on Golden Week.

«Nh, Yuuya...».

«Yeah?».

Her face was all flushed and her eyes as blue as the sky seemed particularly shiny that night. Was it the Black Russians in her veins, or the vodka in his, or maybe, and it was a solid possibility considering her reactions, she was extraordinarily horny. She wasn’t a kinky type, but she could get really assertive when she felt like it.

Like, for example, in that moment she felt like that.

«Go lick me».

«Right now?».

«Do you have to ask me that every time? It’s worse than you and Germany, I swear».

Yuuya smirked and put his hands on her thighs, spread them and stared at her whole, welcoming vulva, that almost seemed to beg to be spread even more, but Yuuya mused that it had to wait just a bit more.

He never had dared to say it out loud, but _that_ was his favourite part, not the proper sexual act; sex was amazing (of course it was), but despite the wonderful feeling of her warm pussy around his cock, it only felt like a compulsory way to satisfy himself. No, his favourite part was using his own tongue between her legs, tasting the drops of liquid loosening her entrance, sucking her small and sensitive clitoris and licking between her labia, making her purr and moan and squirm her fingers around his hair and her toes over his back, bringing her to the edge of pleasure, before ending with slow but deep thrusts inside her trembling body. He had a special way with his tongue, and he was proud of it: it was the best way to pleasure Yuzu and feel her under his lewd control at the same time.

The moment he put the tip of the tongue inside her, he felt her orgasm drip inside his mouth, and his ears were filled with her marvelous moans, long and high «Aaah! Aaah!» with her voice that could make any singer proud and rich. Yuuya licked his lips when he got his head up to see her all flushed and shaken, and quickly took a condom from the night table and finished inside her. When he ejaculated, his mind went blank for a couple seconds and he stopped thrusting just the time necessary to get back to his senses from his own orgasm.

The first thing he did after rolling off her was to look for his trusted Mevius, which meant an angry look for Yuzu. «I told you you must stop smoking».

«You’re not my mom».

«It irritates my throat, and you know what that means to me, right?».

«C’mon, you don’t even smoke, you’re safe».

«It still hurts me! You can be so stupid, Yuuya, I swear, you’ve got to quit it before it burns you from the inside».

Yuuya sighed and walked to the window and opened it to let the smoke out of the room. She was even prettier in the afterglow, it looked like she truly glowed over the crumpled bedsheets, catching her breath, her bosom and her hips toned and just reaching the point of being more the curves of a young woman rather than the ones of a late teen. He wondered how his body looked when naked, it had been quite the time since he gave a good exam at himself, but it felt stupid to suddenly ask Yuzu “Hey, how do I look?”, she’d probably answer “Like usual, why you ask?”.

Halfway through his cigarette, his cellphone rang.

«Have you really set “ _Walk like an Egyptian_ ” as ringtone…?».

He ignored her and answered.

«Hello?».

« _Is this Sakaki Yuuya?_ ».

«Yeah, who’s there?».

« _You’ve left your number in case we wanted to organise a show, remember? I’m calling from the *** local_ ».

«Oh, yeah… sorry, I’m a bit tired». He wanted to fall on the bed and sleep while softly caressing Yuzu, maybe touch her nipples, rather than talk on the phone.

« _I guess so, I’m very sorry I’ve called you at this hour. Anyway, I’m again sorry to treat you as a last-minute replacement, but…_ ».

«But?».

« _There’s a free space next Saturday at 11:30 PM, are you interested into making a show of yours?_ ».

Yuuya gulped. Barely four days to prepare a show weren’t a lot. Who was he kidding, they weren’t enough, he hadn’t been working on a new schedule, given the lack of calls… at least, he was great at improvising, but he was afraid that sometimes improvising wasn’t what the public wanted. He nonetheless answered «Sure thing» and bit his tongue the moment after, chastising himself, why would he answer like it wasn’t a problem.

« _Great! Sorry again for waking you up, we’ll see you Saturday! Good night_ ». And with that, the man on the phone closed the call. Yuzu looked at Yuuya with her fingers crossed over her stomach - Yuuya noticed it was a bit thinner than the last time, was she losing weight by any chance? «You’ve got a terrible face, what happened?» she asked.

He took a deep breath of smoke and answered «I just got a job due Saturday».

«Saturday? But then you don’t have any time!».

«I know! I’ll find a way, somehow...».

It was one big trouble he found himself in.

Suddenly, he remembered he’d thrown Yuuri’s number somewhere on his architecture books, and that he’d promised him to give him a call next time he would have a show, and he just got a show the following Saturday…

Yuuri gave him a strange vibe. That night at the gay club, he seemed ethereal, unworldly, and thinking about him again, of his thin, pale digits over his abdomen, and his lips leaving a dark mark he had covered with who knew how much matt, he shivered, and he was unsure if it was a sense of creep or an arousal that embarrassed him.

«Give me a minute, Yuzu».

«Alright, I’ll get cleaned then».

While she showered, Yuuya looked for the piece of paper Yuuri had slid under his clothes (really, his jeans…?) and he quickly composed the string of numbers. It took quite the rings, Yuuya almost hang up before Yuuri could answer.

« _Who’s there?_ ». Comprehensibly, his voice sounded tired and a tad annoyed.

«I’m Sakaki… you gave me your number, some time ago».

« _Sakaki…?_ » Yuuri murmured, and then he slurred « _Oh yeah, the gay bar and the cheap vodka on the rocks_ ».

«You could have at least said my hair colour».

« _The guy with tomato hair, then, you happy?_ ».

From the other side of the telephone, he heard a voice in the distance ask « _Who are you talking to?_ ».

« _A guy I’d like to fuck, I met him at the usual place_ ».

Something deep inside Yuuya woke up and climbed all over his entrails, and gave a small shock that reverberated right in his groin, menacing to give him an (another, for the night) erection - and he just heard him admit he wanted to bring him to bed, he didn’t want to know what his body would do if - or _when_ \- they’d really have sex.

Yuuri chuckled over the phone and said « _What makes you call at this terrible hour?_ ».

«You asked me to call you when I had another show, right?».

« _So?_ ».

«It’s next Saturday» and told him where.

« _And you waited so long to tell me?_ ».

Yuuya held his breath. It wasn’t worth his time explained he had just then the job and called him right away. For what reason, anyway.

« _It doesn’t matter, Sakaki, don’t worry_ » Yuuri talked « _I’ll see you there, and you better stay sober~_ ».

«See ya».

He threw his mobile somewhere where his and Yuzu’s clothes had been abandoned, and he had to keep himself from taking her panties, he liked them waaaay too much.

«Oof! I really needed that, the sweat was killing me» she said, and sat on the bed, with her skin still wet and her wonderful scent of vanilla and cherry spreading in the room, that scent that could drive Yuuya crazy and if it were a better situation, it would have meant another round of sex. Then she asked «Who was that, anyway? You look pale».

«A person I’m kind of dating, if you can say so».

«You’re dating some girl and you don’t tell me?!».

«I said _kind of_ dating!».

«I hate when you do that, it’s not fair, for none of us: not for me, not for you, and not for her, I’ve told you a thousand times». She quickly collected her clothes and continued as she got dressed «One night stands are ok, but you don’t double-team people, and you don’t double-team _me_ ».

«We just drank one time, we did nothing else!».

«But you want to date her, right?».

«Just to see how far I can get -».

«Then we’re done here, Yuuya, I’m not anyone’s replacement because you still can’t engage seriously with people».

«Do you have to bring that every time we get along?» Yuuya grunted in annoyance, but he could do nothing to stop Yuzu, it wasn’t like she would understand that he was about to almost kind of date a guy to clear up his doubts that had arisen since a drag queen wanted a call from him and he’d been not always accidentally grinded when he drank with Yuuto at “the usual place”.

She left without even saying “Bye”, as Yuuya expected. He took his clothes and put them away, and finished smoking his cigarette, even when he startled when he heard a bright laugh in his house.

«Oh, hey, Yuu’s housemate! Still awake?». The guy Yuuto last took to bed stumbled on the nearest chair and dangled his head and hiccuped. Yuuto followed him and noticed the sheets all used and Yuuya’s clothes all over and grunted «Did you bring her here again?»

«She’s already off, don’t worry, you won’t see any pussy tonight».

«Thanks».

Yuuya nodded in the direction of the other guy and asked «Hey, that guy».

«What about him?».

«I think I’ve seen him somewhere before».

«He’s slept here».

«No, not that, before that… but I can’t tell where». He tried to find something, anything in his mind that was related to that guy.

«Found anything?».

«Nope, although I vaguely recall someone like him with Rin».

«Who?» Yuuto asked.

«The guitarist in Yuzu’s band… but I cannot be sure».

Yuuto yawned and said «I’ll bring him to bed, anyway, he’s got drunk again».

«Yeah, I can tell» Yuuya chuckled. The other guy had to be pushed on a floor bed by Yuuto, the type that one brings on a camping hike, they used it when they had a host… which wasn’t many times, since Yuuto got dumped.

«Hiiii» the guy slurred «I’m Yuugo».

«I’m Yuuya» he answered, not sure why he was even talking to someone so drunk.

«You‘ve got a nice face, can I touch it?». He fell asleep the following moment and he didn’t touch anyone’s face.

«What a weird guy» Yuuya commented.

«I agree» Yuuto answered, and shrugged «Maybe that’s why I want to see if it can get more serious».

«More serious, uh...».

  


**S** aturday night came sooner than expected. It was a small local that smelt of the leather of its chairs - not a fancy one, it was a cheap synthetic one, but its smell wasn’t really bad. Yuuya’s heart felt like it was about to burst, his mind was voider than expected, and his hands were trembling and holding the third cigarette in an hour, he felt like the anxiety had taken over his nerves. He knew it was forbidden to close in closed areas, like the small changing room he was given, and he wasn’t the type of man who smoked one cigarette after another and emptied his packet in a day, but that night there were too many details that confused him: his inability to remember his sketches was the biggest “detail”, of course, but there was _him_ as well. Had he really come? And if he did, would he really go straight to the point after Yuuya would be done with his sketches?

He jumped on his place when someone knocked at his door. He didn’t manage to hide his cigarette. «Sakaki, it’s almost time for your - have you smoked?».

«I-I’m sorry, I'm really nervous».

«Be thankful we need you right now, or we’d kick you out - we don’t welcome smoke in here».

And that’s how Yuuya saw part of his pay, if not all of the night’s pay, disappear like the smoke wisps of his tobacco. He grunted disappointed at himself and even more confused, he could almost tear from all the nervousness and ruin his stage make-up, which wasn’t even his best one, the eyeliner was a trembling line that reminded him of his first times using his mother’s make-up and playing with it, and making his father laugh.

He felt a rock heaving on his heart, and finally crushed the cigarette in the ashtray. He took a deep breath, and then another one, and nibbled on his fingers until he accidentally gnawed a hangnail.

«What should I do, dad?» he asked anyway, despite fully knowing no one would answer him, and the only things that were even remotely related to Yuushou were the still embossed ink lines on his shoulders, where his fingers have began to brush without him realising it, and the crystal pendulum he always wore around the neck, never leaving its place next to his heart, not even when he slept.

«It’s your turn, Sakaki».

He took a final deep breath before heading toward the stage.

It went better than he expected. Not extraordinarily great, and there were a couple of dead moments when he had a fog over his mind, but better than nothing… and, as expected, he got less money because of his mess-up with the smoke. He muttered a couple curses under his breath as he pocketed the money, but he knew the only one to blame was himself; he hated to admit it, but Yuzu was right, his smoke vice was damaging him and his finances, but under stress it was either his lungs, slowly, or his nails, in a matter of minutes.

The very second he stepped out of the local, he looked for another cigarette, but found his packet empty, and muttered «Shit». He looked around, trying to find the nearest combini and quickly get his hands on a new package, but he stopped when he heard _his_ voice.

« _Quo vadis?_ ».

«Oh, it’s you, Tamaki...» Yuuya replied. «What have you just asked me?».

«”Where are you going?”, it’s Latin». Yuuri’s smirk widened a little and continued «This wasn’t your best show, was it?».

«No, I was too nervous».

«That’s too bad, silver tongue».

Yuuya stared at him, startled. «Silver tongue…?».

«You don’t want me to call you that?».

«No, I kinda like it!» Yuuya felt flattered. He quickly stopped smiling and uttered «Shit, I really need a cigarette». A moment after he said so, Yuuri put one of his right under his nose, and he said «You wanted to try them out, right?».

Yuuya nodded, a bit confused right off the bait. He took the black cigarette and lit it, and the first puff was a bit of a letdown, but the second one already smelt like he remembered from the Golden Week night when he first met Yuuri, a nice smell that reminded him of chocolate, and he couldn’t help but grin satisfied.

«You haven’t smoked in a while?».

«Nah, I got less money ‘cause they got me smoking in the changing room».

«Really? That sucks… you must be feeling really disappointed, right now...». Yuuri’s fingers brushed against Yuuya’s arm. Goosebumps surfaced on Yuuya’s skin, and he expected Yuuri to feast on his neck again and leave him marked and uneasily teased; instead, the other smirked and proposed «My place’s in Kabukichou, there are of shops and locals open even in the middle of the night. I can treat you to so many things, if you like to».

«I said I don’t wanna be drunk when I’ll lose -». Yuuya stopped and looked away, his face getting hotter. Yuuri smirked and taunted «Lose what, Sakaki?».

Yuuya bit his lower lip and didn’t directly answer, replying instead «Let’s go» with a dry tone.

The streets of Kabukichou were completely new to Yuuya, and they were so lightful and colourful, they almost hurt his eyes. Street food stalls were still up and selling to people, some clothes shops were still open, everywhere he turned he saw pachinko places full of people and massage parlors with young women winking at them, under the red lights hiding who knew how many regrets. Yuuya had never been a fan of brothels, he’d always felt they would smell horribly and he’d heard too many stories of girls having to sell themselves and dealing with terrible clients and even worse panderers.

Yuuri turned away from the main street, into a smaller alley, and led him to a small gate. Yuuya did his best to ignore the sense of anticipation and weight on his stomach with every step he took behind Yuuri, following him to his door.

«It’s… nice in here» he commented, once he entered his house and took off his shoes. It was nothing like the apartment he shared with Yuuto, where only the rooms were covered with study hints and posters and the rest was plain as the day they got the house; Yuuri’s was instead so filled with trinkets from all over the world, countless canvases hanging from the walls, all lit by soft, yellowish lights, it was like entering a microworld on its own, chaotic and decadent. There was a nice scent of what Yuuya guessed was jasmine, strong but tempting; he felt that in a sense, he was watching a piece of Yuuri’s soul, all that decadence suited him. He got the glimpse of two cats running between Yuuri’s legs, and then running away the moment they saw him.

«Don’t mind them, they just don’t like strangers». Yuuri closed the door and said «Make yourself at home, Sakaki. Want a cup of tea?».

«No, thank you».

Yuuri grinned and commented «Then, shall we have some fun?», and gently pushed him against the wall of the short hallway heading to a big room that was the core of the house, divided into smaller sections by tables and bookcases brimming over with novels, essays and papers full of notes, and in the middle of everything, a large Japanese style bed that was ten times fancier than the Western style bed Yuuya had always been used to. Yuuya’s heart suddenly raced, and he preferred noticing all those details, instead of the handsome man with the devil’s eyes and lips dragging him into something that - really, the only one to blame for it would be Yuuya, it wasn’t like Yuuri hadn’t been clear about his intentions from day one.

«Scared, Sakaki?». His pale thumb brushed over Yuuya’s dry lips. When had they gotten dry to begin with? He licked them quickly, hoping Yuuri wouldn’t notice, and answered «Of course I am» with a voice that didn’t bother to hide his feelings.

«You don’t have to, you’re in good hands». Yuuri’s hand caressed the back of Yuuya’s head, and drew his lips closer, until Yuuya felt his breath on his face of a long instant, and then he didn’t feel it anymore, when the humid warmness of the air coming out of his parted lips was replaced with the humid warmness of his lips.

Whatever Yuuya felt, it was at the same time his entrails knotting tightly and cutting his breath, and them liquefying and loosening the grip off reality at the same time. Yuuri’s lips were gentle on his, pressing just how much it was needed to make the other tremble in anticipation, and Yuuya just knew he was just waiting for him to lose a bit of his control and drag him on the bed that was awaiting them.

Yuuri’s tongue swiftly slipped the moment Yuuya opened his mouth, and cut his breath with his kiss, suddenly deeper and rougher, and pressed the other against the wall, making their jeans grind against each other, each compressing a basic need Yuuri definitely had, but Yuuya was surprised to have its own so quickly, without hands or nothing else touching.

They both looked for air as they broke their kiss, and Yuuri smiled - a wicked and giggling smile on his pretty face - as he took Yuuya’s hand and pulled him over, reaching the bed. With shaking hands, Yuuya undid the buttons of Yuuri’s shirt; he wasn’t thinking over what he was really doing, his hands were as moving on their own, undressing Yuuri’s chest, like carved into ivory.

«Take off your clothes» he laughed, and Yuuya nodded and took off his t-shirt. Yuuri’s eyes shined for a moment, and his fingers touched Yuuya’s pendulum, admiring its beautiful beryl crystal and silver decorations, and then they brushed his chest, moving downward, following the thin trail of red hair leading to his lower abdomen. With just a naughty look, he convinced Yuuya to unzip his pants, let them fall on the carpeted floor.

He was hypnotised by his manners and his kisses over his body, teasing him, and then Yuuri took off everything else that got in their way and pulled him again, knees on the bed, and whispered «You’ve got a nice cock there, you know that?».

Yuuya didn’t answer, the comment had left him speechless. His eyes followed Yuuri kneeling in front of him and lowering his head, and with a gasp both closed their eyes when Yuuri’s mouth enveloped his half-way done erection and sucked so slowly, Yuuya groaned impatient. It was a hot sensation, with the tongue running over, stopping right before hitting the tip, smirking every time Yuuya let out an annoyed lament. It wasn’t in itself a lot different than the times Yuzu blew him, but Yuzu was sloppy, both in technique and sound, and she didn’t like it all that much, but Yuuri was on a whole other level, he knew exactly how to suck and lick, how to get someone horny with just his mouth (he was the guy who slid his presentation ticket into his pants, after all).

Yuuya couldn’t believe he was getting horny with a guy sucking his dick, and that he was liking it so much, and Yuuri’s eyes peeking from below only hammered down the fact.

Yuuri let a short moan out when he stopped and briefly kissed Yuuya again, making him taste the hints of salts of his precum, weirding him out.

«Turn around». His voice was firm, but Yuuya could hear a shiver of anticipation in that simple order. It _was_ an order, no doubt about it, and Yuuya knew that whatever was going to happen next wouldn’t be absolutely pleasant - he never had that kind of sex, not even with Yuzu, specifically because he feared the pain it implied, but maybe, just maybe, he could try it out. He only hoped it wouldn’t hurt a lot.

Yuuya put his hands behind his back. It was more of an instinct, he had seen a lot of movies where showing your back meant getting your hands tied, although not necessarily for sex, and he doubted Yuuri meant to do anything different with that “turn around”. And as he thought, his wrists got bounded in a matter of seconds, but he was surprised to feel the smooth texture of a silk tie instead of itching duct tape glue sticking to his skin - he didn’t know why he expected duct tape anyway, maybe he saw one too much crime series. He felt one of Yuuri’s slender fingers pass between the tie and the skin and whispered «Tell me if it’s too tight».

«Y-yeah, it’s alright I guess» Yuuya answered, although he was in such a confused haze that he hadn’t really hear the question. He was still processing what was exactly was happening: how did he actually come to a point in his life where he would genuinely have gay light bondage sex, was beyond his knowledge.

His back shivered at the cold touch of the other’s fingertips over his spine, from the curve over his ass to the back of his neck, and then a push on his nape forced him down on the mattress.

«Keep your head down, Sakaki».

Oh God, the way he just spoke, it sounded like a devil’s spell hitting a dark spot in his soul.

«And keep your ass up».

No, it sounded more like he was a demon shaking his most inner core, tempting him with the very idea of lust. If anything of that made any sense, Yuuya wasn’t exactly in complete control of his mind. He whimpered at the sharp pain right on his buttocks: in a second, he realized Yuuri was digging his nails into his flesh and spreading his ass apart. There was a moment of anticipation, and he held his breath.

Was it gonna hurt?

No, probably the proper question should have been: how much was it gonna hurt?

Would it be a stinging pain? Maybe a dull on? Bearable but tiring? Or rather so much forcing him in bed? Would he have to go to the hospital and face the shame of having to explain to the doctors why he had such peculiar wounds?

And, most important of all, was he going to like it?

He expected an immediate pressure and the obvious intrusion, but instead he gasped in surprise when instead he felt a softer and wetter touch between his buttcheeks. «What are you doing?» Yuuya asked in a whimper. Yuuri’s answer was a vague «Foreplay», before another longer touch like the previous one, but more definite; Yuuya felt something definitely soft and warm sliding over his tight hole, trying to win its resistance, or maybe just pretending to.

He wasn’t really _licking_ him… there. Was he?

And even if he really was licking him over, why did it feel so damn good? Was it normal to feel like this, or was it Yuuri who was simply good at it? Why was he moaning with a tongue trying to go up his ass?

Yuuri gasped and chuckled when he lifted his head and slapped Yuuya’s ass, making him whimper louder, and jokingly asked «What’s the matter, Sakaki? Is this already too much for you to handle?».

«N-no, I’m just tense» Yuuya answered.

«You shouldn’t be afraid, didn’t I tell you you’re in good hands?».

«Yeah, but you just licked my butt!».

He heard Yuuri chuckle again, and his soft hand caressed his ass, before digging his nails again in his skin.

«It’s just foreplay, it’s meant to relax you».

Yuuya held his breath and then let it out. Yuuri was right, he needed to relax and take back his self-control.

The mattress creaked a tad bit and Yuuya was sure Yuuri got up for a moment. He didn’t dare to turn his head and see what Yuuri was doing, not that he needed to check it, it was obvious that he had just opened the drawers and grabbed a couple things, most likely the lube and a condom, what else should he had to take, after all? The mattress creaked again, and he shivered once more when something cool and with the texture similar to jelly touched him; he’d never used lube, he never needed it, Yuzu’s natural wetness had always been more than enough, and thus it felt awkward. He expected it to be more like a warm oil, rather than something having the same consistency of hair gel.

He didn’t understand if Yuuri put inside him the index or the middle finger, but he gasped all the same. It wasn’t bad, in anything it tingled and felt actually nice. The second finger hurt, however. There still was a tickling feeling, but it was also stretching, tight around Yuuri’s knuckles, and the still small pain made Yuuya bite his lips and hold his breath; he held it longer and deeper whenever Yuuri brushed weak points he didn’t know he had, the ones that managed to win the feeling of unnatural opening and sent waves of pleasure over his back.

Then, Yuuri forced it more open, spreading his fingers like scissors, and Yuuya didn’t manage to keep a painful grunt, he had it to let it escape from his throat, when finally his ass didn’t tighten around two thin fingers, but around his hard cock invading the worst place it could invade. Slowly, centimeter after centimeter, he slid inside, and spread Yuuya’s ass even wider, and another gasp came from Yuuya’s throat. He couldn’t see how slowly was Yuuri taking it all, the corner of his eye could only see his face as distorted, his lips slowly licked by his tongue as viscid as a snake’s. Yuuri was enjoying every single moment, every millimeter he sank deeper into Yuuya.

He chuckled and clasped Yuuya’s buttocks tighter, and went deeper, and hit some place sensitive, yet unable to feel pain, only waves of pleasure, and then Yuuya’s gasps came one after the other, the more Yuuri hit his soft spot, thrusting slowly yet precisely, like the hands of a painter on a miniature full of small details. He couldn’t even begin to think he had it so hidden. There still was pain, but it felt as if it became an unbreakable part of lust, only amplifying it. Yuuya hid his face on the sheets and bit them, but sounds still escaped his teeth, and soon Yuuri joined him with long laments, when Yuuya felt his hips finally meeting his own, and realised Yuuri wouldn’t go any deeper, only harsher.

«I want to hear ya, Sakaki» he moaned «Let me hear your sweet voice!» and pulled his hair with one hand, while the other as well left his butt and pressed index and thumb around the head of Yuuya’s swollen dick, and then pulled and pushed his foreskin, turning him crazy with pleasure. Maybe it was the overdrive of sensations he wasn’t expecting at all, or maybe Yuuri really knew how to push his limits, where to fuck and touch, but it took an unexpectedly little amount of time for Yuuya to ejaculate, his hair pulled, his hands tied, and his ass ridden and filled and his erection under a sweet torture, and his voice out of control and sighing and even begging, and Yuuri kept on treating him the same until he himself let a high moan after a longer and more violent thrust, still pulling his hair.

With a sloppy sound, Yuuya felt his ass finally free, and his body rolled on a side after Yuuri lightly pushed him and laid next to him. His pale body was covered in a thin glow of sweat, except his penis, still covered in shiny lube and rubber, and in his hands like chiseled in marble there were already a cigarette stick, of a surprising pale pink, and a lighter.

«Cleared up your mind, Sakaki?» he asked with a smirk.

«Yeah...» Yuuya answered, and he found himself tired and breathless.

«And did you like it?».

«Nh…».

«Tch, that’s not an answer, silver tongue» he mocked, and took a long smoke, and the best smell of tobacco Yuuya had ever smelt filled his nostrils. «I need a cigarette too» he asked.

«Mh… maybe I’ll let you breath some of this one’s smoke».

«Can’t you light one for me?».

«Why should I?» he replied, and breathed out the smoke right on Yuuya’s face. The other coughed a bit, before inhaling the smoke himself, letting is loose his tired nerves and muscles. The scent that came from the cigarette was like nothing Yuuya ever knew, rich and perfumed, and he thought that he needed another pull from that cigarette right then, but Yuuri laughed and didn’t give him the pleasure for a long minute. Yuuya had smoked a lot that day, and yet he never had craved a cigarette like in that moment. «Do you always act like this with everyone?» he asked.

«Sometimes, it amuses me» Yuuri replied. «You still haven’t answered me… maybe you need a second round?» he then chuckled, and licked his lips again, slowly, spying with his eyes if Yuuya could see him. Yuuya felt his cheeks go on fire.

With the cigarette firm between his lips, Yuuri undid the tie around Yuuya’s wrists and pushed him up on his knees. «Does it hurt?» he asked.

«I thought it would be worse» Yuuya admitted. He felt he’d be missing the smooth silk texture binding his hands together, as he brushed the fingers over them looking for red signs. Yuuri left him to look into his night table, and took another cigarette and a small piece of plastic that he attached to his radio, a USB drive.

«David Bowie?».

«You don’t like him?» Yuuri questioned, a brow quirked.

«No, it’s fine - you look like someone that might listen to Bowie anyway».

Yuuri giggled, with his voice that never missed a hint of sarcasm, and gave his cigarette to Yuuya.

«Why are you giving me your cigarette?».

«You’ll see, silver tongue».

  


_Oh no, not me_

_I never lost control_

  


As soon as Yuuya was handed the pink tobacco stick, Yuuri lit his other cigarette, a light brown and smelling way different, its smoke denser and whiter than anything Yuuya has tried in his life.

«Is that...» he asked the moment he, shocked, realised what Yuuri had just lit.

«Afraid of a little joint, Sakaki?» Yuuri answered, still licking his lips.

«What - of course not!» Yuuya replied, but the way he quickly smoked the pink cigarette betrayed his newfound apprehension.

«Hey, that’s not how you treat a Sobranie Cocktail! If that how you treat a lady?».

«It’s a cigarette, not a lady - and I treat them really well, if you wanna know».

« _How well?_ » Yuuri smirked. His face was more of a lust mask than ever. Yuuya startled when the other’s cold and toes touched his feet. «What do you mean?» he asked.

«You know what I mean, silver tongue, if you can use that tongue of yours for something better than speaking in front of a public».

Yuuya felt a rush of blood going into his groin, just waiting for the refractory period to end and give him another boner, and how could he not, with that man with lips dragging you, eyes eating you up, crawling closer, a hand caressing his thigh.

«I want your tongue all over me, Sakaki».

  


_You’re face to face_

_With the man who sold the world_

  


The instrumental part began to play, but its notes seemed to fade when they reached Yuuya’s ears, every nerve of his concentrated on Yuuri’s bottomless, drugged up lust, drawing closer and hotter every second. Its smoke even entered Yuuya’s flow, but he didn’t lose himself. He still was there, conscient, and able to articulate thoughts, but really, the only thought running in his head was how much he was wanting him all over again - drugs or not.

«I want you to fuck me like your life depended on it, _Yuuya_ ».

It wasn’t Yuuri who pulled Yuuya into a kiss; the contrary happened. It was quick, but so passionate, desperate for Yuuri’s moans, and when they broke it, it was Yuuya who pushed Yuuri’s head, and he eagerly took his cock, still recovering from last orgasm and soft, in his mouth, breaking to take breaths full of even more of whatever thing he was smoking and then going down again, breathing the smoke off his nostrils. Yuuya couldn’t believe he was having sex with a man for the second time in a single night, smoking fancy and rare cigarettes that he’d definitely miss the days after, but he was, and unlike the first time, he couldn’t wait to see what was awaiting for him. It was too absurd, and yet it was happening.

«Wait here a second» Yuuri interrupted himself, and from the drawer took another condom and a blindfold. «Put it on» he again said, again with that tone that seemed like an offer but truly was an order, and Yuuya covered his eyes, and let Yuuri completely guide him.

His head was pushed down. At first, Yuuya felt scared, but then he took some courage and opened his mouth. His tongue run with the utmost care along Yuuri’s length, letting his new precum rest on his tongue. It had a really bitter taste, yet Yuuya didn’t mind it at all; in fact, he found himself eagerly drinking every drop of it, letting it in his mouth with each sucking and pumping. And the best part were Yuuri’s hands, stroking his hair and keeping his head down, and most of all, his moans, passionate and shaking with pleasure.

Each second, he felt his sense of touch getting more definite, his head yet getting lighter, as the psychotropic entered his blood and mind with its alluring wisps. Every sense but vision spiked, and he could smell Yuuri’s lust, taste his soul, led by his own hands and heart pumping.

Yuuri pulled his head up and put its joint on his lips, and Yuuya instinctively took a deep toke. The other laughed when Yuuya coughed, not used to something with such harsh taste, and then he breathed, right over Yuuya’s ear, with the hottest whisper on his skin, «Blow my mind, _Yuuya_ », handing him a small bottle, a bit covered in something slimy, and the condom.

He expected him to be less tight, but he was, a lot. But definitely, Yuuri wasn’t tense - Yuuya wondered how many times he had already done that, seducing young men like him and opening his legs to them. His fingers dug their way inside Yuuri, the muscles around them warmer than any hole Yuuya had the luck to know (which, not counting Yuzu’s, were a lot more than the average college student could probably admit to have seen in real life. Not that many, but still more than average).

The radio started to play a really old psychedelic song, just when Yuuya had finished covering his erection with the condom, and it all fitted perfectly in the whole situation.

Yuuri’s thighs were shivering under Yuuya’s tight grip, spread, and they quivered even more, when Yuuya pushed himself inside him, and found a binding heat like he never experienced before, not welcoming but fighting despite his owner’s moans of pleasure and requests for more, tightening desperate around him.

  


_And if you go chasing rabbits_

_And you know you’re going to fall_

  


Yuuya didn’t really catch up how he ended like that, first with his wrists bound, then with his eyes blindfolded, first dominated, then dominating, and with his senses spiked by hashish. Where did Yuuri even found it? And did it really matter? Yuuya was having the greatest sex of his life, by thrusting his erect penis inside someone’s rectum, he’d just realised, and he knew it hurted Yuuri, but his voice was sweet in his ears, embraced him and pulled him closed, begged for more, reached notes and shouted profanities to the point of sounding fake, and Yuuya couldn’t give any less damns in that moment.

  


_Remember what the dormouse said_

_Feed your head_

  


Yuuri penetrated his perfect nails into Yuuya’s arms, leaving red arching marks, and begged «More! More! Give me more, Yuuya!» at what was probably the apex of his bliss, his inner muscles pushing around Yuuya’s dick. It was almost as their heartbeats joining into one, Yuuya could calculate his own in his chest and Yuuri’s whenever he pushed inside. He couldn't’ take any more and came, right when the song finished; his head had been indeed fed, with sex, drugs and music, and Yuuri’s voice drawing him down the rabbit hole.

They stayed in that position for a while, catching their breaths and their forces, while Yuuya remained buried inside Yuuri and lost his excitement, before pulling out and falling back. He finally took off the blindfold, and looked at the ceiling, and he could swear it changed colour with the music that kept flowing - not a complete swirl of all the rainbow, it was more like the cream paint pulsating at the rhythm of whatever was playing right then. He wanted to stay there and let everything cradle him.

He heard Yuuri lit another cigarette and turn off the radio, walk somewhere in the living room, and a minute later there was a slow melody stringing, soft and sad. He looked up to see Yuuri lying half-sitting on the sofa, velvet pillows all around, gliding the arch over a violin, or was it? At a second glance, it was too big for a violin. Yuuya closed his eyes and let the melody run and touch him, as if it had real hands brushing lazily over his forehead.

«Do you always treat people like this?» he asked. Yuuri didn’t answer, which prompted Yuuya to elaborate «Make out with them, tie them, play the violin after sex».

«It’s a viola» Yuuri finally answered, putting the instrument down.

«A viola…? Nobody plays that, anymore, I think».

«That’s why I play it, people have forgotten about it».

«You’re kind of weird, you know that?».

«Weird? You should’ve realised by now I’m a theatricality whore, and a huge one to boot. You disappoint me, Yuuya». He then chuckled and took a long poof of smoke, and just to hammer down harder the concept he opened his arm as wide and decadently he could just to tap down the ashes in the ashtray. Looking at all the books and the fact he smoked hash, his fingers running on the viola chords, the whole way he seemed to live by all the details scattered all over his house, really showed the fact he lived as if the nineteenth century never truly ended.

A shiver, both of curiosity and dread, run on his spine, as he fell asleep, and Yuuri stayed awake to pet his cats.

  


**F** or months, there were more nights drinking, smoking and screwing with old ‘70s and ‘80 rock music than nights studying and shit talking with Yuuto and his apparently new boyfriend. They sure looked like a couple, watching movies together and Yuugo being all lovey-dovey and a bit clingy, despite Yuuto’s apparent lack of romanticism… comprehensible, after all having someone next to him who wasn’t in any form and shape Shun wasn’t easy for him, was it. But they, Yuuto and Yuugo, did lots of things together, apart from (probably, Yuuya didn’t dig into the subject) having sex. Yuuri’s idea of a relationship, and Yuuya’s too, was much simpler: sex. Lots and lots of sex. And they were both extremely content with it.

But, despite the seriousness, Yuuya felt like what he felt and what Yuuri felt didn’t resonate. Yuuya wasn’t even sure if he loved him, although he was now 100% sure that he really liked men, just like he liked women, which was the whole reason why he slept with the man with magenta hair and a devilish voice… but knowing this new part of him only built another round of walls of secrets for everyone that wasn’t living directly with him. It wasn’t like he could go to his mother, or Yuzu or Gongenzaka, and start a conversation with “Hey, I’m with a guy now, and I discovered I like both sexes, we still cool?”. His mother would actually be cool with it, probably, and Gongenzaka would do his best not to be bothered, but Yuzu would probably kill him on the spot.

«Are you still with her?» she would ask every once in a while, and he couldn’t still find the guts to tell her the truth. After all, she was still hanging with him, inviting him to her gigs. The problem was that he still wanted her, hug her naked body, and the desire would leave him insomniac and without concentration. Before he knew it, his life had become a mess, where he was more busy ruining his liver and lungs and getting drunk with haunting refrains than, say, studying and being a nice person in general, one that wouldn’t smoke hashish and hide his homoerotic whereabouts to people he was supposed to trust.

«You’re pale, Yuuya» Yuzu noticed, right before a show of hers. «Have you been eating?».

«Yeah, don’t worry… but I haven't had a nice sleep in a while».

Yuzu sighed «I’m worried for you, you’ve become so secretive since you’re with that girl, you haven’t even introduced her to me!». Her fingers brushed a lock of hair off Yuuya’s forehead and rested on his cheek. «There’s something wrong, isn’t it?» she questioned.

Yuuya simply smiled, instead of giving a proper reply, and said «It’s almost show time, give them your best!». Yuzu sighed again and murmured «Yuuya… nevermind, thanks». Clearly, she had many questions to ask after her and her girls’ show was over, but they had to wait, it wasn’t time to ask, it was time to shine.

And she didn’t simply shine, she was a star overwhelming everything and everyone with her warm voice and smile, everyone had eyes only for her. Yuuya darted his eyes away a couple times to the other girls, to see how they held the stage, but they were just dim candles, when confronted with the bonfire of passion that was Yuzu.

Yuuya felt quite confused at that comparison, it wasn’t like him… was Yuuri slowly infecting him with his decadent crap? Apart from getting high every week and try out Yuuri’s new toys and ideas, ending with Yuuya’s buttocks all red and ropes all around his body, and then talk about very serious topics or play tabletop games with the couple living in the apartment in front of Yuuri’s, with the guy that sold Yuuri his drugs and his… Yuuya never got if they were or not a couple, in all honesty... or listen to Yuuri’s impromptus for viola, full of a deep melancholy that Yuuri let loose only in those moments of weakness, when inebriated with hashish, afterglow and imported bourbon.

… damn, Yuuri had completely turned his life inside out, wasn’t he only supposed to check if he was or not less straight than expected?

«Hey, Yuuya! Are you daydreaming again?».

«Uh… no» he lied, and joked «More like nightdreaming? It’s past midnight, after all».

«Come on, I’m serious! I really don’t like the way you’re acting lately, you look like you’re hiding too much from everyone».

Yuuya, of course, didn’t give a proper answer, and that made Yuzu groan, although she couldn’t stop shining and being as beautiful as ever, to the point of making his heart beat faster and his hands itch with the want of grabbing her somewhere, maybe a broom closet, and drown in her orgasm. They haven’t go to bed together since the night he got the job that ultimately led to Yuuri’s bed.

«Anyway, Yuuya» she then asked «Are you free this Halloween? There’s a party my study group is throwing, and I thought we could go together… unless you’ve got something better to do with your... girlfriend, that is».

Yuuya would have loved to attend Yuzu’s party, especially if it would have ended up with a karaoke night, drunkenly singing stupid love songs, hearing Yuzu sing them, and then getting a corned just for the two of them and make out, turn her warm and wet, turn himself hard, grind against her leg… he missed the touch of Yuzu’s hands. Unfortunately…

«Sorry, I have other plans for Halloween» he turned her down, avoiding her eyes and scratching embarrassed behind his head. Then again, she wouldn’t have let him touch her, most likely she would glare back at him and hiss “I’m not anyone’s replacement”, and she would be right, heck she had two whole songs about that argument. She wasn’t that desperate, even in the case she still liked him, like the old times they attempted to be a couple. Yuuya thought in general that many of Yuzu’s songs were aimed at him…especially the ones about broken hearts...

«It’s… alright» Yuzu replied, with a faint hint of upset letdown. It wasn’t alright, they hadn’t speak properly for ages, and Yuuya had just ditched for someone with his own Halloween party, and who knew what Yuuri had in mind. Not something big, probably, his house was bigger than Yuuya’s and Yuuto’s, but not that much, mostly because of the shelves and furniture that turned it into a maze, and he had asked him once or twice about “expanding” for one night. He hadn’t explained what he exactly meant, he laughed it off and said «Don’t mind my ideas, it’s not like we’re really gonna do that, right?», without explaining either what “that” meant, but Yuuya had a feeling he would regret it.

And he regretted it. He regretted every bit of that Halloween party.

Every hand and every moan, every minute of haze and stupor, every second with the awful taste of tobacco, alcohol, hashish and sex mixed with puke the morning after, the terrible headache and shame and anger directed to himself and everyone else in the room. His costume was all ruined and his makeup was all smudged, some even ended of Yuugo’s weirdly round chest somehow, or at least that was how Yuuya remembered. He really hadn’t got the will to check anything or anyone, and was too ashamed to ask for help.

There really was nothing else to do, except call for someone to bring him home, he didn’t feel like going around alone, not after what had happened, and shower to take off the sense of filth and the real dirt lingering on his skin.

It was a good thing Gongenzaka didn’t ask him a thing on the train home, not even the reasons why he had seemed to crack into sobs on the phone, or why he seemed apathetic and mute next to him, or why he took another shower, despite having his hair still humid. Yuuya and Gongenzaka had lost track of each other since the first started college, but in case of need, they knew they could rely on each other. Which meant, Yuuya knew he could rely on Gongenzaka: there was a reason they used to call him “the manliest student of their high school”, not just because he was too proud to ask for help, but first and foremost because he never had needed help to begin with. He was the solid rock in Yuuya’s life, where he could grip when everything was sinking away, before he decided he didn’t need his help anymore… and there he was, asking Gongenzaka to stay in his house and not leave him alone. It looked like he still needed his rock to grip, after all, as his life was reaching rock bottom, and he sank with it.

Yuuya couldn’t look anyone in the eyes for a long time. Not Yuuto, not his mother, not his friends, not himself, and definitely not Yuuri. The apathy that surfaced from time to time in the other’s limbs had slowly infected Yuuya since the first night they slept together, and it fully conquered Yuuri right after that Halloween night Yuuya wished he could fully forget. He couldn’t remember but bits here and there, and all of them arose the smell of vomit into his nose.

«Yuuri» he mumbled, around a week after Halloween. It was morning, but they were both already drunk, to the point of not even remembering what they drank, and the ashtray was a cemetery of cigarette butts. He’d been making too many comparisons with death, since he met Yuuri.

Yuuri was sleeping soundly and didn’t answer. Yuuya sighed and got out of the bed, attempting to keep his head and body straight as he walked around to collect his clothes scattered, angering one of Yuuri’s cats (the normal-looking one, not the hairless one) that had decided to use his trousers as nest. He tried to make as less noise as possible, but the door creaked too loud.

«Could say at least goodbye» Yuuri slurred, without moving a muscle that wasn’t needed to talk. Yuuya sighed and turned back to see him still abandoned on the bed, apathetic and worn off like the sheets under his naked body. In that state, he wasn’t as gorgeous as the first time he first met him, sipping cocktails from another time, marking his neck, smirking like the lustful devil he was, or was supposed to be. In that state, he was only sad and pathetic.

«I didn’t want to wake you up» he excused himself, still hanging on the door.

«Why are you leaving so early?».

«I’ve got class».

«You’re too drunk to attend class… you’ve put on my jumper».

Yuuya looked down to realise that yes, the jumper he was wearing was too expensive and deep purple to be his own. While he changed and ignored his brain floating and hitting his skull with every movement, Yuuri sat up on the bed. His voice was dry and emotionless when he said «You’re the first one leaving me like you were a thief in the night».

Yuuya didn’t reply. He felt his stomach tangle, the more Yuuri looked at him dress, stared, with his magenta eyes void of real emotion. Had they been always like that? Had Yuuya been hypnotised by his aura of dissolution, not noticing how rotten and empty he really was? How little he truly cared? Did Yuuri even care about people, beyond his vices and kinks?

«Are you dumping me, then?» he asked, and then added «I don’t really blame you».

«Why would _you_ blame _me_? You know why I’m breaking this story, and it’s your fault no matter how you look it».

Yuuri looked at his cats meowing, and instead of answering Yuuya, he petted them and murmured something about being hungry. Yuuya kept waiting for anything that seemed like a reaction from Yuuri, but there was none, only a gelid silence that Yuuya couldn’t decipher.

The last thing Yuuya said to Yuuri was «You’re too weird, and I don’t want anything else to do with it… goodbye».

The air felt colder than it actually was against Yuuya’s flushed cheeks. Instead of taking the easy subway route, he took the long way home, walking slowly to let his mind get clearer and collect his ideas. He’d been slacking off from university, and he really needed to get off alcohol and whatever other drugs Yuuri made him try in those wild months. He didn’t want to miss him in any way, but he couldn’t get his mind off him. He needed months to recover back to his life before Yuuri, at most, to get his head straight back again. Maybe not everything straight, it wasn’t like he could deny to himself that he loved Yuuri’s company, sexually talking.

At least, all that mess had the upside of throwing away that incertitude. But he couldn’t really say it was worth it.

Yuzu still refused to talk to him about anything related to intimacy for a while. Yuuya at first didn’t pay attention, she’d been clear about not wanting to talk about sex and feel like a second wheel, but then he noticed she felt uncomfortable, too uncomfortable, and he couldn’t tell whose fault was. Had he done something to her? Had she… known about what happened to him, and didn’t felt alright around him anymore? The idea frightened him, he cared about Yuzu, and to see their long-lasting friendship (in the end, sex was optional between the two of them) crumble because of… that, it would have been too much. He didn’t want to lose Yuzu, for whatever reason.

Winter passed with a frozen wall between them. Yuuya tried his best to get better votes, and he did, and spent the holidays with his mother and pets, a boring and simple Christmas. By the time spring had come, he and Yuzu has already started to work on their exams and theses and had so little time to get together, Yuuya felt surprised and even happy when Yuzu called him.

« _I know it’s weird to ask_ » she spoke over the phone « _but could we meet for Golden Week? Just the two of us_ ».

«Sure! I really need a night off, these notes are killing me...».

« _I can tell, you still sound sleepy_ ».

«Yeah… you want to go to Shibuya, like usual?».

« _Actually no, I’d like to visit the Ogouchi Sanctuary_ ».

Yuuya lifted an eyebrow and questioned «Why?».

« _Why not? We could go down the lake and take a bath too_ ».

«But isn’t water still really cold in this season?».

« _I know, but… I want to pass the time somewhere where no one can nag us_ ».

«Oh, I see...». His initial happiness faded a bit, when he noticed she still sounded wary, but at least, she wanted to spend time with him.

  


**I** t was a really warm morning, the day they finally went to Ogouchi Sanctuary, the perfect day, in fact, to take a bath in the Okutama Lake the sanctuary faced. There were many people going in and out the sanctuary, but as soon as they got there, Yuzu dragged him away from the crowd, to a shaded slope, where she laid down all her belongings.

«It’s quiet in here, isn’t it?» she commented, sitting on the grass, with a tone that suggested Yuuya to sit next to her. He glanced at her body, as beautiful as ever under the spring dress, and he gulped when she took it off and revealed her cute swimming suit, covering what was barely needed to be covered. Her face had turned a delicate pink for the embarrassment, probably he had turned that colour too, he thought. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t see like that in a long time, but he found her beautiful beyond any belief, to the point he could almost fall in love with her.

Her skin was soft, and all prickly due to the cold crystal water. Yuuya hadn’t felt so carefree in ages, it was like turning back into barely teenagers, splashing water at each other and laughing as nothing else mattered in the world, just the two of them and nobody else to watch. Everything bad that had happened in the past months between them, had simply gone with a long kiss above the surface of the water, with smiles and giggles like they were a newlywed couple on honeymoon. It was the biggest relief Yuuya could hope, to see her body again, her smile that to him could as well be a shining ray into white and gray clouds, hear her wonderful voice beg him, touch and grope every part of her that was gropable, feel alive again after months dedicated to the quietest life he had life.

She held his hand, harder than she used to, and under her eyes clearly hid many thoughts and questions. Her fingers played with Yuuya’s, ultimately showing her uneasiness.

«Is there something wrong, Yuzu?» he asked. She nibbled her lips and took a deep breath, and then answered with another question: «Do you promise you won’t get angry at me?».

«I would never!».

She took a deep breath, lifting her naked chest, and finally said with a whisper «Since you’ve been dating a man, I -».

«Wait, you _knew_?!».

«After a while, everyone knew that, Yuuya! But they were too confused to ask why you were with a guy».

«Why did you keep asking me about a girlfriend, then?».

«I didn’t want to embarrass you… there were always people around us, and I was, how can I explain?».

«Disappointed?».

«Pretty much, but with myself. I thought that I failed as a friend, because you wouldn’t tell me about that, or because I wasn’t enough». She sighed «Sorry, we already had this conversation».

It wasn’t an easy topic, and Yuuya never was comfortable about the fact he apparently never felt that spark, or at least recognised it, that other people apparently felt when they fell in love, that spark that had lighted Yuzu’s heart, but not his own.

Yuzu stared at the trees above them, covering the grass they were lying on, without caring about the soil over their skin, and continued «Well, I felt weird, knowing that you had a relationship with another guy like you. I was confused, knowing you probably had been confused too - I’m not saying you are now, it’s alright if you like both!». Well, that was a huge relief… «but then, I ended up thinking about that all the time, and I ended up doubting myself».

«Why would you doubt...» he answered, but stopped when he realised that it was a very stupid question. After all, hadn’t been the constant presence of homosexuals and general queerness around him the spring of his quest to find his sexuality last summer?

«And...» she took another deep breath. The grip on Yuuya’s hand grew tighter. «You know that Halloween party I tried to invite you?».

Yuuya’s stomach sank just hearing that.

«What about it?».

«I wanted to understand if, by any chance, I was like you, the question was irking me, and...» she darted her eyes away when she said «I had sex with a girl. Selena, to be exact. My bassist, you know her».

Yuuya didn’t know how to react. Was there a right way to react? Was he supposed to be shocked (which he slightly was), was he allowed to be aroused (which, despite his best intentions, he slightly was)? Was there anything to ask that wouldn’t sound stupid, or offensive? It wasn’t like he could ask if she had liked it -

«And did you like it, then?» he asked before he could shut his mouth, and cursed himself for his idiocy.

«How can I put it… there was something missing, like there was something that was supposed to be there, but it wasn’t, and I ended up mentally unsatisfied».

«Then, it was a fiasco, I understand».

«That’s...» she sighed again, her whole body getting red with shame «The problem is, when it comes to just the sex, it was the best I ever had».

It was Yuuya’s turn to get ashamed of his own fantasies running through his mind.

Yuzu continued «Maybe it’s because she knows how women’s bodies work, being a lesbian and all, but I’ve never felt something that good! I feared that, despite that inner feeling missing, she still had ruined sex for me, because -».

«She mindblew you, that’s what you’re saying?».

«Could you not interrupt me?!» she slapped him, and then covered her mouth mumbling «Oh God I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to!».

«G-guess I deserved it… ouch...» he massaged his hit cheek. He didn’t want to interrupt her either, but it was really for the best of them if she gave no details: it was already enough fantasising about Selena licking Yuzu all over her body and burying her fingers in ways Yuuya couldn’t even begin to imagine, and turn Yuzu into a babbling orgasmic mess in pure ecstasy, or worse, fantasising about Yuzu moaning all that she did with her friend as Yuuya himself brought her to another climax.

«A-anyway… yeah, she’s been incredible, and loving, and _talented_ » she whispered the last word «but I was just more confused, and I was too ashamed to ask you anything, since you still were with that guy». She turned her whole body toward Yuuya and asked «You like both, at the end of the day, right?».

«Yeah, I guess so».

«I think I still don’t. Selena was amazing, I can’t deny it, but it didn’t feel as right as it would with a guy. That’s why I brought you here, to clear it up, once and for all».

Yuuya could have hugged her and kissed her, just because he knew Yuzu really trusted him, after all. There was the concrete possibility that deep down, Yuzu was still in love with him, like she used to when they tried to be a real couple, and that was something Yuuya would have never been ready to address. Maybe it was because he wasn’t cut for long and serious relationships, he’d tried twice but it didn’t work, and the second had been rightfully ended once and for all.

«You never told me your boyfriend’s name».

«I left him months ago; does it still matter?».

«I guess not...».

Her hand were still cold on his hips, but her lips were warm over his, gentle and soft, and her voice was even gentler and sweeter, when in the end, he still lost himself inside her deepest, hottest desires.

  


« **G** lad you’re back again from the bathroom» Yuuya mocked Yuuto, whose face was all sweaty and red, even under the neon lights all over the dancefloor and the bar counter. Yuuto hadn’t just took a piss, from the way he stroked his jaw and the person next to him barely hid a satisfactory grin.

«When are _you_ going to the bathroom - don't tell me nobody asked you yet».

«Nope, not even offered a drink».

In the end, they all came back to the old place. Both of them stopped attending it, either because they were too busy at home, or for whatever other reason Yuuto had had, but that night, Yuuya felt like going out and have fun. He had told himself he would’ve quit drinking for his own sake, and probably smoking too, more for Yuzu’s sake, but in the end, he still craved for that after sex cigarette, and for that vodka on the rocks he used to drink and love, despite the mockery of cheap Baudelaire wannabe. He’d been craving for another man too, lately (with the approval of a vaguely resigned Yuzu), and he put everything together into what the once called “the usual place”.

«Maybe you should offer instead, if you’re that desperate» Yuuto suggested, gesturing another beer to the bartender.

«I’m not sure, there’s really nobody that picks my interests».

Just as he said that, the sit next to him got empty and just as quickly, someone loud and obnoxious sat there, shouting «Hey, barista! Make me a Batiste!».

«You could say “please”, at least» Yuuya commented out loud. The loud guy faced him and hissed «You trying to give me orders?».

«Oh, not at all» Yuuya answered, and thought that that guy was almost adorable when he was angry. That guy who looked suspiciously like one of the youngest politicians around Tokyo and was literally ordering a Batiste.

When he turned to talk to Yuuto and his boyfriend, they were gone. Yuuya mentally cursed them for leaving him alone, he still wasn’t good at flirting with men as he was with women, and they had more experience than him.

«You come here often?» he came up with the most stupid pick-up line ever invented, and the vodka wasn’t helping.

«Uh? No, no, I - uh - just went along with a friend, don’t worry, I’m straight» he stuttered, as if he had been caught in the middle of some dirty affair, which probably wasn’t that far off.

«Sorry, but I don’t think one that just has gone along with a friend would order a cocktail like that, in a place like this, like it was ordinary business» Yuuya commented. The guy grimaced, and dear God he looked beautiful when he was angry - it wasn’t a good idea drinking more than one vodka on the rocks after being pretty much a teetotaller, he was already commenting like there weren’t social barriers. That Sawatari guy wasn’t even from the party Yuuya voted for.

«Is that really obvious?» he muttered, and gulped a terrific amount of his drink in an ungraceful way. «Listen, I don’t know you» he immediately hiccuped «and I don’t want to know you, I’m here to have fun, and if you’re a paparazzi go away, I don’t want my career ruined».

An awkward silence fell on them both, each drinking their alcohol. Yuuya for a moment wondered if Yuuri had a reputation to protect too, like everyone else in that bar probably, heck even he had a reputation that could be tarnished if really everyone knew the kind of placed to went to. He shook his head to forget about that guy, and instead peeped at Sawatari. «You said you’ve come to have fun, right?» Yuuya broke the silence.

The other didn’t answer to Yuuya. Instead, after muttering «Fuck it», left his cocktail, gripped Yuuya’s wrist and dragged him to the nearest available dark room. There were buckles falling, sloppy makeouts, a thrill that run on Yuuya’s spine, and the sudden realisation that he couldn’t really give any less damns about loving, that he only needed sex to be satisfied, that he truly didn’t care about who was with him, and that as long he would not fall into any traps like the one Yuuri put up, he would be totally fine.

 


	2. Yuuto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the "violence" warning was necessary - just so you know. It's not THAT graphic but still, be careful.

**T** he soles of Shun’s combat boots splashed with no grace or tact into a puddle of mashy water. There was a harsh and cold autumn rain, hitting his cheap plastic umbrella like a nervous man on his first job interview, tapping his fingers on the table. He himself was nervous, his stomach fighting itself, and the two shots of black coffee he had back at his hovel he called home and the cigarette he was smoking despite the humidity didn’t help his digestive system. Next to him, Yuuto was smoking too, his shoes dirty of mud, wrapping up in his raincoat and protecting his frail cigarette from the rain.

«Have they called?» the shorter asked. Shun shook his head and said «No, they haven’t».

«We should have expected that, I bet they still remember the incident».

«It wasn’t an incident» Shun corrected him «Ruri flashed herself on purpose».

«Yeah, right»

Back in high school, Yuuto and Shun had put up a band; at first it was just a joke between them, an excuse to strum away on the guitar for Yuuto, or on the bass for Shun, and write crude lyrics, full of swearing, blood, sex, drugs (which they had never touched, in reality, unless they counted nicotine and alcohol); it wasn’t important their true experience back then, they only needed a way to bond even more and talk behind their parents’ back, let their frustrations out in a way that didn’t imply punching dickheads around. Which was something they did anyway, breaking the noses of everyone who annoyed them or badmouthed about their relationship, and ending up almost expelled because of it.

Talking about their relationship, they had known each other since they were in kindergarten. The first day, Yuuto had picked on the little girl who had been nagging him since they each have been presented to each other, and pulled her long violet hair, just like she was pulling his, but while she thought it was funny to pull people’s hair, he wanted her to cry, because she was obnoxious. He had thought he had won, but she instead called her brother, two years older than her, and he pulled Yuuto’s hair until he was the one crying. And that was the exciting story of how Yuuto and Shun met: because Yuuto had pulled Ruri’s hair.

With those premises, one would have guessed they would have hated each other for a long time, but instead they had started to be inseparable. When Yuuto had started the third year of elementary school, and Shun had started the fifth year, they had told everyone they were married and had held hands in front of everyone, making the kids laugh and the adults uneasy, claiming it was just a kiddy thing, but they were surely going to outgrow it. Needless to say, they never outgrow their “kiddy thing”, they had never stopped being “married”, or just merely engaged, and they had fought with fists and bites since then. In a sense, it was a good thing Japan’s school system had a weird tendency to keep the troubles to themselves and hide everything that could damage their reputations, like revealing they had a couple of troublesome boys who had a history of not being interested at all in girls. That way, their parents never suspected they weren’t just each other’s bad influence.

And so, they started a bad, hid themselves, smoked and talked about how much they should really punch the whole world. How violently they were going to truly make everyone who had laughed at them suffer, how many bones would they break in the process, ever their own. But all they did in reality was circlejerk their frustrations and do nothing useful for anyone but them. They needed someone at the drums, if they wanted to turn the whole band business in a serious business, but they didn’t trust anyone enough, not even Shun trusted his sister enough (and Yuuto had always been an only child, anyway). They were in a weird limbo where everyone but their families knew, and they couldn’t rely on anybody.

At first, they weren’t sure about Ruri joining the band anyway. It was _their_ thing, their way to express themselves, and Shun was so protective about his little sister, he didn’t want her to hear angry lyrics about sucking cock until one couldn’t stop drooling, burning shithead homophobes alive, and all the like.

«It’s alright, I’ve read worse stuff» she had answered «and in all honesty, I suspected you’ve been a couple behind my back since Yuuto and I started high school».

She had always been a blessing. Never peeked in their private life, but she helped them anyway, taking drum lessons just to help his brother, even pretending to be a boy, by cutting her long, princely hair she had taken care for so long, with so much love, into a traumatically short pixie cut (the first week she constantly touched her bangs, as if her body felt her cut hair like a ghost limb), and pressing her chest into tight binders she had to lie about in order to get her hands on one (as far as her parents knew, she needed it for cosplay). It was easier to blend into the mass of homosexuals and bisexual men filling the nightclub where they were about to perform in.

Which had prompted the “incident”. During one of their gigs, they overheard a group of men badmouthing over female musicians and their supposed lack of talent, and at the end of their performance, she walked under the spotlights and took off her tank top and binder, showing proudly her round, feminine chest in front of hundreds of men who would have hated to see females chests. Just to prove a point. They had to drag her out before she could shout feminist slogans and had to cover her too.

«Are you still mad about that?» Yuuto asked, dragging his cigarette.

«Of course I am! It’s a miracle my parents still don’t know about that - they’ve been digging into her life, since -». Shun stopped talking, and kicked the first thing his boot could hit. «Pieces of shit» he jeered «If they kick her out of the house, I’m gonna kill them».

«I can give you a hand».

«No, you’re already helping me too much».

They had that kind of discussion way too many times. Yuuto did everything he could the week after Shun had been kicked out of the house, first letting him stay in his flat he shared with Sakaki Yuuya, but as soon as he couldn’t let him sleep with him, they looked for anything Shun could afford with the money he managed to save, even if just a cheap, narrow and decaying one-room flat. The band, because of that situation, had become their job, much like Yuuto’s flatmate put up cabaret shows, but for him, it was more of a personal leisure; for Shun, it had become the only way to maintain himself. He hadn’t got any more support from his family, barren from Ruri, who had to lie to her parents even more, claiming she was rehearsing with her own band, the one she made with her roommate-slash-feminist buddy-slash-lover Selena (which she actually had, even getting a guitarist, a lovely green-haired girl named Rin, whom Ruri had know in one of her feminist circles, and a vocalist named Yuzu, who was majoring in Human Studies together with Selena, and just so happened to be Yuuya’s friend with way too many benefits), just to be able to play with her disowned brother.

And of course, Yuuto had been the first in line to help Shun, to the point of sacrificing his hard work over engineering studies, not that he had cared about them: he took that path just to make his parents shut up about his future. They were completely ignorant about Yuuto’s life, and it was definitely better that way, given what had happened with Shun.

Yuuto suggested «it’s their loss if they won’t answer us, we’ve got a couple more pubs to contact anyway».

«True».

«How about that one we went to when we found you a home?».

«I’m not sure» Sure answered, pressing the consumed butt of the cigarette against a wall and then throwing it in the nearest trash bin «about the pub making us play our queercore, that was more of a jazz pub». He immediately lit another cigarette, even if they were meters away from Yuuto’s house; the only places where the smell of the smoke would have bothered someone were the stairs, anyway, and nobody usually used those stairs that late in the night.

They moved to make as little noise as possible, Yuuya had snored the moment Shun raised his voice a bit. Or maybe it was Yuzu, that snore was too delicate to be Yuuya’s. «We’ve got some beers in the fridge» Yuuto checked.

«Bring me one».

They kept on talking the whole night, ignoring the signals from their brains begging them to sleep, smoking and drinking. «You’re drinking less» Shun noticed.

«Nah, I’ve been drinking the same» Yuuto replied «But I should really give up on alcohol, maybe I could as a Christmas resolution».

«Why Christmas?».

«Just to give myself a deadline». Yuuto chugged on his beer and added «I should give up on smoking too».

«I can smoke for two, in case».

«You’re already smoking for two, that’s the third cigarette you’re smoking in a row».

Shun raised his eyebrows and looked at the already lit stick between his lips, and the many consumed ones in the ashtray in front of him, one still emitting a thin trail of smoke. «I’m really tense these days, I’ve got overdue bills and lots of other stuff to deal with...» he explained «I can’t try to solve a problem, ‘cause ten more pop up and ruin my life».

«Why don’t you ask for help?».

«I’m already looking for a job, everyone including you has university, and Ruri has her own problems to deal with, and I’d feel like a thief for panhandling...». He sighed heavily, rubbing a finger against his temple where an old thin scar marked his face «Really, the only thing you can do is listen to my rumbles».

«Or help you release the stress» Yuuto commented over the beer, caressing Shun’s arm.

«You don’t need to».

«I’m your boyfriend, I gotta help you, somehow».

Shun sighed again. Yuuto was sure his stiffness was merely a side effect of the stress piling up in his muscles, making him groan more than usual and touch more clumsily, getting just more irritated with his own lack of good results. Shun was usually a good lover, not the gentle kind, not even when he wanted to, but still a good one, but that night his mind was too fuzzy to deliver something good for both. After he tried for the third time to penetrate Yuuto and failed, he punched the mattress in anger, with tears flickering at the corners of his eyes, and hissed «Fuck, I can’t do this».

Yuuto pulled himself up, his erection slowly retreating, and patted his back whispering «Don’t worry, it can happen».

«Don’t pity me, Masaki».

«I’m not pitying you, you know that».

Yuuto had never seen Shun so tense and surly, and was about to ask him if there was something else troubling him, but Shun stopped him with a grumbling «Let’s just sleep» and covered himself with the quilt, without even dressing back. Yuuto sighed and took his time to dress back and perform his necessary night routine before heading to bed. Shun was snoring too loud to be really sleeping. They have never hid each other’s troubles or secrets, but knowing that Shun had such problems he preferred not to talk about them with his boyfriend scared him. Yuuto, however, was sure it was just his stubbornness to solve everything without any external help, and if anything helped, he had surely talked about it with Ruri, and Yuuto only needed to ask her what was going on with her brother. Both Kurosakis were frank, and would never lie - after all, it was Shun’s frankness that drove him to come out to his parents, be kicked out, and have to rely on his band, born as an inside joke, to survive. Ruri, as far as he knew, simply avoided talking to her parents unless strictly necessary. He trusted both, after so many years.

  


« **Y** ou’re joking, right?».

«Do I look like I’m joking, Masaki?»

All Yuuto could do was fall on a chair and hold his head in his hands.

There wasn’t one thing that made sense, not even one. He’d known Shun for ages, they’re been together for so long, they had been each other’s first time, each other’s accomplice in many acts of vandalism and rebellion, they even had gotten themselves pierced and tattooed in the same session under the same roof, whether it was in a proper tattoo shop or in a backalley parlor, smelling of piss and low-quality curry where friends of friends of friends of them would inject who knew what mixture they called “ink”. They had spent every single cent they had for their band, the one thing that, without exaggerations, kept Shun alive, since it had become his only job. And of course, he broke up the band, the one thing they cherished and polished day after day, like a garden, creating new pieces as inspiration struck them, rehearsing everyday with only the help or Ruri (someone should really give that girl a medal), who had been their drums and the one person that kept Shun from falling in deeper shit, and thus kept Yuuto from falling in deeper shit. Years of care and hard work, gone, like that, like a tornado destroying that cherished garden.

And why?

Because Kurosaki Shun had spent the last three months doing the one thing they promised to never do: get in someone else’s pants. And whose pants, just to make it shittier? Some spoiled brat covered in sugar and with smiles in place of his blood.

And Kurosaki Shun still had the guts, the fucking guts, to stand there, head and eyes down, and Yuuto didn’t know what to say, or do, except from punching him to a pulp, he deserved it. Shun had been the only thing Yuuto had always found sure over the years - of course, he didn’t completely rely on him for everything, that would have been unsane, he had his own friends and his own way to cope with his problems, but he couldn’t deny Shun’s presence had been fundamental, he couldn’t see his life without him, he wouldn’t probably even be the person he was.

Shun, however, seemed to be ready to continue without him, after stabbing him in the back for a goddamn baby face with more money that he could use.

«Can you at least tell me why?».

«Why would I? I would just hurt you more».

«Why are you doing that then?».

«It’s something it’s better you don’t know».

Yuuto was too shocked to react and stop Shun from silently walking out of his house, or kicking him out even quicker. He didn’t hear whatever else Shun uttered - it better not be something on the line of «I’m sorry», if he were really sorry he wouldn’t be doing that in the first place! - and stared at the floor.

Nothing made sense. Absolutely nothing. He could think of a couple reasons why Shun would leave him, but to him, the only one that truly made sense was Shun didn’t love anymore, simple as that, it could have happened, but if Shun outright refused to explain, how the fuck was he supposed to understand that? To fully accept in a breath everything he knew about his life was most likely wrong?

He hadn’t touched a beer since, but he felt the urge to drink one, or lots, depending on how hurt he really felt, it was sometimes he couldn’t understand in that state. Yuuya was visibly surprised when he suggested to hit pubs and asked «I thought you stopped drinking?».

«Don’t ask about it, I need a drink, and quick».

«Alright… just let me better dressed and we’re off».

Yuuya was incredibly patient, when he wanted to. Not always, of course, he remembered the day he went around tapping his fingers against anything he could find, just to stop himself from shouting «Are you really gay?!», after a certain night when he accidentally caught him with - one beer wouldn’t really be enough.

He didn’t have a precise memory of the night. One thing was sure: he drank a lot, so much that it messed up his ability to remember, let alone his ability to think properly, or move properly, and apparently his housemate barely saved him from a drunken hook-up, and the idea made him nauseous. «You’ve never acted this reckless» Yuuya commented «Why would you get drunk like that?».

«It’s none of yer business, Sakaki».

«Hey, I dragged your ass back here, you could at least be a bit thankful!».

Yuuto snorted, trying to keep his head up, and slurred «Shun dumped me».

«What…? Why did he leave you?».

«Fuck if I know...» he hissed with anger, unable to keep his tears of frustration in. Yuuya had the decency of letting him vent for a while, without interrupting him, and Yuuto didn’t care if he was listening to him, he just needed someone to talk to, and he just happened to be the first one available. He didn’t even pat Yuuto’s back, but if anything, that was better, since Yuuto hated when people showed him pity.

He, however, remembered the night after, going for the first time completely alone, without anyone to control him, and drinking a bit less, enough to lose a bit of control but not enough to completely lose it. He would have never given himself to someone else so lightly, otherwise. It felt mechanic, to have sex with a complete stranger, just to get his mind off everything that was going wrong with his life, and despite the fact it still felt good, it also felt ugly and dirty, as if Yuuto was suddenly covered in a thin layer of slime that wouldn’t be washed off even with tens of showers. How could Yuuya do that and not feel that disgusting sensation on his skin? How could anyone do that?

Before he realised it, it became an habit, to go through pubs and hookup with strangers, attempt to see each other for more than once and fail, and feel the grimy film on his body. After a while, it became like smoking his cigarettes, or drinking his beers, he wanted to quit but he had no real intention of doing so, even if he knew it was slowly killing him. The smoke and the alcohol at least, the sex was ok, as long as it was safe.

Then there was this night, months after Shun left him, when Yuuya asked him, with an evident morning wood, what could they do for the night. It wasn’t like he was attracted by Yuuya, but he couldn’t deny he was in some weird and subtly physical way interested in him. He was handsome, of course, although maybe a bit too thin for his tastes, but definitely better than most of the people he had “knew”. However, he couldn’t try it out with him, it would have been embarrassing, and then, Yuuya was straight. Probably. He had seemed more than open with a couple guys back at the usual place, but he always ultimately rejected them, and he doubted it was going to be a different night from any other else.

Looking around him in the club, Yuuto didn’t find anyone interesting enough, and he found the music’s quality to be even lower than usual. It was going to be a waste of time, money and decency in a bathroom or dark room, like usual. He took his usual beer, and Yuuya took his usual vodka on the rocks, the bartender told them they should try something else once in a while, as if he hadn’t tried and found out to not bear the taste of most liquors, maybe the only things he liked to drink apart for beer were whiskey and vermouth.

«Hi! May I sit here?» a cheerful voice suddenly asked. Yuuto turned around to see whoever asked him to get a seat, and he was immediately struck by the marvelous shine of big cyan eyes and a large smile expand from one rose cheek to another. With a breath, Yuuto uttered «Sure» and the guy immediately took the seat and called «Hey!, Bartender, here!», making Yuuto regret to accept that guy next to him.

«Hey, Suzuki! Long time I don’t see you!» the bartender reacted, much to Yuuto’s surprise.

«Yeah, I had to take some time for myself, y’know? Sometimes you oughta do that».

«You need the usual?».

«Nah, gimme the strongest beer you’ve got, and make it the biggest bottle you have!». The guy put his hands under the chin, looking around with curiosity, until his eyes reached Yuuto and stared. It was almost scary, to be under exam by those sky blue eyes. «Am I bothering you?» he finally asked.

«No, but it was embarrassing, to see you shout like that».

«I can’t really help it! Oh, my beer’s here» and he chugged a huge gulp. Yuuto feared he was going to choke himself, but instead, the one with sky eyes gulped again, and then slammed the bottle so hard it was a miracle it didn’t smash. He ungraciously wiped his mouth with the back of a hand and hiccuped. «Sorry» he smiled guilty toward Yuuto.

He was… quite the character, that was for sure. Yuuto drank his beer, throwing a glance or two toward the one drinking his as if it was water. Suddenly, the other widened his eyes, and pulled Yuuto’s sleeve, saying in a hurry «I need to go to the bathroom, follow me». Instinctively, Yuuto told Yuuya «Wait here, I’ll be back in ten minutes» and followed him as he said. He didn’t have a reason, unless curiosity was to be considered a reason.

The guy however didn’t enter the stalls, but stopped in front of a mirror. «I can’t believe he’s still following me» he murmured.

«Creepy ex?».

«Yeah, really creepy!» he exclaimed, still drinking from his bottle «I dunno if he’s following me or if that’s a coincidence, either way I do NOT want to meet him anytime soon». He took yet another sip and stared at Yuuto, and then giggled «You’re cute», making Yuuto blush a bit. It wasn’t the first time someone had flattered him, but it was always to get inside his pants; however, that guy, maybe because he seemed so nice and easy-going, didn’t give him that usual vibe of wanting just sex and that was it. Despite the clearness of his eyes, it was impossible to understand what he was up to, if he was up to anything at all.

«So, uhm, I’m Yuugo!» the guy said «I like to drink and run on my motorcycle, not at the same time of course! What about you?».

«Well, I’m supposed to study engineering and -».

«Oh, cool! I study journalism - I know, would you think one like me wants to be a journalist?» and he pointed at his insanely pretty and flushed face. «Hey, can I touch your face?» he asked out of the blue.

«Why?».

«Because your face looks nice!» he replied. He didn’t wait for an answer and caressed Yuuto’s cheek and commented «Oh, it’s scruffy!».

«I have a beard growing, yeah… I should shave it».

«You can grow a goatee! It would look good on you».

«It doesn’t, I tried».

«Oh, damn». He pouted his lips, and it was too much for Yuuto to handle. He grabbed his chin and kissed him, pushed his tongue inside his mouth, over his, and to his surprise, he didn’t push him away, on the contrary Yuugo stroked his free hand on Yuuto’s back of the head. He tasted of that beer he was drinking, strongly alcoholic but with a sweet aftertaste. Yuuto caressed his abdomen, lifting a bit his t-shirt, and he probably tickled the other, by the way he giggled, but the moment he slid his hand under the edge of his jeans, Yuugo jerked and whispered «No, not that».

«Yeah» Yuuto said as excuse «We should get inside a stall».

«No, don’t do that hand in my pants thing».

«Why?».

«Because not!» he shouted. He then sipped the beer and said, crossing his arms on his chest «Sorry, it’s that touching me makes me really… nervous».

Yuuto didn’t inquire more, and said «It’s alright, we don’t have to have a quickie anyway».

«I can still suck your dick, if you wanna!».

Yuuto gulped a bit and answered «Yeah, sounds alright» as he opened the nearest empty stall. In seconds, the other was on his knees and with his eyes eagerly looking up, his bottle lost somewhere but both his hands were free to unzip his jeans and take out his swelling dick. It felt dirtier than usual, maybe because Yuugo’s features were so nice and seemingly pure, even his gagging sounds didn’t sound so horrible as usually everyone else sounded. He was clumsy and giggled a lot, and he was the most adorable thing Yuuto had ever the luck to see, even if he was sucking him dry.

«Ew, I swallowed!» he jerked, after Yuuto had come with a grunt «Do you smoke?».

«Yeah, why?».

«Your semen tastes bitter». Yuugo had to use the stall’s thin walls as a support to stand up «Oof, the beer’s kicking in, damn, I hoped I wouldn’t get this wasted. Now I’m hungry, can we go out and take something?».

Even with a heavy drunken slur, his voice was adorable and his attitude strangely open. Yuuto couldn’t help but feel sorry for probably not being able to keep in touch with him.

Second after second, Yuugo lost his ability to walk in a straight line, and giggled almost uncontrollably. He had to bring him home, since he had no idea where he lived, and let him sleep his hangover away, after he attempted to finish all of Yuuya’s snacks.

The morning after, he was woken up by noises from the kitchen, and he checked out to see Yuugo putting up a war against the cupboards. «Oh, sorry!» he whispered guilty «I’m dying for breakfast but I can’t find the coffee».

«It’s next to the electric oven».

«Oh, great! Do you want me to make breakfast?».

«Haven’t you got a hangover?».

«No, don’t worry! I get drunk easily, but you really gotta fill me up to make my head explode».

Yuuto yawned and sat down. «You don’t have to make me breakfast, I just drink coffee anyway».

«Oh, that’s no good!».

«I know, a healthy breakfast, yadda yadda, I don’t like food this early».

«You really don’t have anything to eat for breakfast?».

«There are eggs, if you wanna».

«Great! I was craving for eggs!».

Only then, Yuuto noticed what wrapped Yuugo’s chest. «Is that a binder?» he asked.

Yuugo crossed his arms, trying to hide what was useless to hide. «It’s just for muscles! I find it comfortable, that’s all».

«Uh… uh» was all that Yuuto said in reply. Yuugo’s face had turned flaming red, and he prepared his breakfast and Yuuto’s coffee, none of them uttering anything else, until Yuugo turned and said «You wanna meet again, sometime? I live far from here, but we can date, if you wanna».

Something, in the back of Yuuto’s mind, said “ _no, why would you do that, you don’t like them that way_ ”, but his conscience told him his curiosity was stronger. «Yeah, sure, how about next Friday?».

  


**R** uri was pretty easy to be found, she hung out with either the same political group or her partner, a girl named Selena, pretty badass on her own without adding Ruri’s own badassery, at the same place, a hidden spot in the north section of the Ueno public park. That day, however, she was alone, picking her nail polish off her nails, with a sad and annoyed face. «Hey, what happened?» Yuuto asked her.

«We’ve got really idiot partners, you know?».

«What do you mean?».

«Selena dumped me for one of the most stupid reasons of the world».

«Again?».

«Last time I was the one dumping her, and I did it just because she wouldn’t quit smoking. At least it worked, but now I don’t really get it why she would dump me, it’s a stupid reason».

«Do you want to talk about it?».

«No, don’t worry, we’ll sort things out, we’re not Shun».

Yuuto sighed «Yeah, you’re not Shun».

«My suggestion to kick him in the nuts for you is always up, remember, he deserves it».

«Can we not talk about him _again_?».

Ruri sighed herself and took out a small packet of chewing gums «Yeah, sorry, I just think you’ve got a lot of things to ask each other, but he’s so stubborn and stupid, I keep telling him to at least tell you the whole truth». She started chewing and patted the empty seat next to her, and Yuuto sat down. «So, Masaki, what torments you now?».

Yuuto bit his cheek, figuring out the best way to express what was his dilemma. «I’m pretty sure the guy I’m dating is transexual».

«And?».

«You know how I am, I’m a fucking size queen, and I’m allergic to women’s genitalia».

«You can’t be seriously be still embarrassed to say p-».

«Don’t say that. Anyway, how am I even supposed to have sex with him?».

«Are you sure he’s trans, in the first place?».

«Come on, he never lets me see him naked or touch him, he’s the most androgyne-looking guy I’ve ever met, and he even wears a binder, for muscles, he says».

«If you put it that way, I can see why you think he’s trans, but why would you ask me how to have sex with him? I never had sex with a transexual».

«You’re still more open about this stuff than I am» he said, litting his cigarette. Ruri made a disgusted noise «You still haven’t quit?».

«I’m not your boyfriend» he replied «You can’t force me to quit».

«I could decide to not talk to you until you stop smoking».

«Will you at least help me out? I’m really clueless about what should I do, and I don’t want to dump him because he hasn’t got a dick».

Ruri smiled «It’s nice to see you’re finally getting really over Shun. I was scared he would haunt you forever».

«Oh, come on, I couldn’t really let him retroactively destroy my life».

«True. Anyway, you can just be always active, or make him use a strap-on».

«You think it could work?».

«Maybe? But it’s still sad you had to ask me, instead of talking with him?».

«I thought talking with you would ease my mind, I’m more confident like this».

She sighed and murmured «You rely too much on me, sometimes, you should really start to answer your own questions».

«But then I’d stop seeing you».

«Not necessarily, the girls would love to have you around, Yuzu’s got her almost boyfriend, Selena her ex, and Rin has… whoever than guy is to her… but then again, it’s better you stop meeting me so many times, my presence would only hurt you now. You don’t still look happy, but at least you’re serious with another person, and you even want to overlook stuff you usually hate».

«I’m trying my best. If things go well, I can consider going straight edge again».

«You should have gone straight edge anyway».

«If I did, I would have never met Suzuki».

«Oh… where did you meet him, then?».

«One of the clubs I usually go to, he got drunk with one beer».

Ruri didn’t reply. He had to admit, when she was pensive she was beautiful, and it was easy to understand why most of the boys back at school asked her for a date, and why most girls were green with envy about her. Her hair was at her shoulders, but when it was long and luscious, it made her look like a princess. Yuuto could remember all the fun he had braiding it when he and Shun helped her with her first date, all nervous and trying to shine, even if she didn’t need all that care to be gorgeous. But even if he did his best to keep contact with her, he could feel that sense of complicity they ended up sharing fading day after day. He missed the times when he, her and Shun would meet and talk in that place, smoke despite Ruri’s protests, let their minds be free to express themselves.

«Hey, Ruri, how are things going with your parents?».

«Tch, they’re getting so annoying with their attitude. First they almost kick me out, but then they decide that since I still can fall in love with a guy, I’m fine, they just need to push me toward the one they want. But Shun’s still out of the house because of reasons and they don’t care about what happens to him… I wish they would snap back to their senses but oh well, I’m doing great with the girls, and I’m sure Selena and I will sort things out in days, and we’ll probably find a home together and turn serious, and I can say goodbye to my parents». That said, she turned silent again and watched the sky turn grey with clouds. Yuuto admired the Kurosaki siblings had more guts than he; after what had happened with Shun, he knew he would have never come out to his parents and find himself homeless as well. He still could have reinvent himself and get the help of his friends, but it was still a scary idea, to be left without a real economic support, even if it meant being true to himself. After all, his parents were clueless and it wasn’t going to change anytime soon.

That same night, what a coincidence, Yuugo came over. He didn't even warm beforehand with a call or a message, he just thought it was a good idea to knock on the door around dinnertime and just announce «I’m going to stay for the night! I brought the beer». Luckily, Yuuya was out with his boyfriend (it was completely unexpected, to find out he liked men as well, in the end), and that meant they had the house completely for themselves. Yuugo was particularly cheerful that night, even more than usual, and that was saying something; he constantly fidgeted and talked, and he was a wonder to see, all happy and dork. He tried to braid Yuuto’s hair, but failed, and for a couple minutes he pretended to be a cat for unknown reasons. He was already the strangest experience Yuuto had ever the luck to have, and it was going to be only weirder.

«Hey, Suzuki».

«Myeah?».

«We could have sex».

«You mean, actual sex?».

«It’s about time we did that, right? We’ve been dating for some months».

«I...» he stuttered, holding his own chest tight «I’m not sure it’s the right thing, Masaki».

«What are you scared of?».

«That you see me and you’ll be disgusted… most people are, even when I just mention it».

«Do you think I’m going to be disgusted?».

«Yeah, or at least turned off».

Well, that was a possibility.

«I still want to give it a try, I’ll try not to mind you’re trans, really».

Yuugo sat up in a burst and asked «Trans?».

«That’s the problem, right? Why you wouldn’t get naked and why you have a binder».

«I - what do you - I -» he babbled, before taking a deep breath. «Are you sure you won’t be disturbed by it?» he asked in a whisper.

«I’ll do my best, at least».

Yuugo took another deep breath and bit his lips. «Alright, just don’t… make funny faces, please» he finally said, and stood up in front of Yuuto. He took off his t-shirt, showing for once voluntarily his binder, and when he took it off, a pair of small breasts, red with all the binding and probably sensitive, came out. Yuuto couldn’t help but sweat a little and gulp: thinking something would happen was fine, but seeing it unravel in front of his very eyes was something else entirely. For one thing, he thought his breasts would be bigger, for some reason. And then, Yuugo took off his jeans and underwear.

And Yuuto was left completely speechless. Where he expected to see the tender flesh of a vulva, he instead saw something barely defined as penis, not longer than a thumb but still thick as one, but it was there nonetheless, between his legs. The first thought was that maybe Yuugo was already taking hormones and it was a side effect, he’d seen some photos, not exactly pretty, but they were a thing. Yuugo was a thing, with his small breasts and his penis-yet-not-penis, and Yuuto wasn’t sure how to react.

Yuugo smiled nervous and said «Do you think it’s really ok for you? Do you still want to have sex with me?».

Something in his mind said clearly no, he wasn’t a complete man, he had breasts and probably still had a vagina at that point, but his reasonable side had to remind him he promised he would have tried, and then regardless of who or what Yuugo was, he loved him, and wanted to be his partner if possible.

«Yeah, I still want to» Yuuto answered.

Maybe it was the embarrassment, but Yuugo’s way of sucking him off was more gentle and less noisy, even a bit slower. It was absolutely crazy to see him in such a different light, as if he suddenly turned immediately more ethereal the moment he showed himself completely naked, more feminine and delicate. Yuuto knew it was a really stupid concept, but either way he had that sensation. The weirdest part, however, was surely seeing his small prick getting hard, despite everything. How many times had Yuugo got hard and he just didn’t notice it?

Yuugo was gasping, his hand still rubbing on Yuuto’s erection, but his expression was more confident. «Hey, Masaki» he said «do you want me to bottom?».

«Are you ok with that?».

«Well, I wanted to top, but I guess it would be too strange for you».

«You can top?».

«I know, right, it’s weird! I didn’t know I could do that, but I can».

Yuuto’s curiosity tickled the back of his neck. «But will it work?».

«Sure! It you want to, at least, it’s fine if you don’t want to, I understand».

The gulp Yuuto made was one of the loudest he ever did. He laid on a side, letting Yuugo lay behind him, caress his hair and kiss his back, let his fingers run on his buttocks, between them. «Wait, where’s the lube?» he suddenly asked, ruining a bit of the atmosphere.

«Second drawer».

It took way too many seconds to find the small plastic bottle, and Yuuto realised how weird it could sound to squeeze any liquid out of a bottle. Either way, Yuugo’s lubricated fingers soon entered his asshole, at first just one, easily, and then another, a little more difficult, but nothing Yuuto couldn’t handle, he was used to bigger stuff.

«Is it ok if I use your condoms?».

«You don’t have to, don’t worry».

«But I worry!».

«Do whatever you want, then».

As he expected, he entered with ease, and at first there was no real thrill, Yuuto was so used to be screwed by well-endowed guys, something that small wouldn’t really satisfy him in the end, and he had to rub himself. But maybe, it was just the right length to hit the spot where his prostate was, he found himself gasping softly, as Yuugo moved his hips against his and left kiss after kiss on his shoulders, chuckling in a never heard way, beautiful and horny. He couldn’t believe he was really getting off to someone with a ridiculously small prick inside his ass. It still wasn’t that orgasm dripping with rage and regret, but with the way his own warm sperm trickled down his fingers, the grunts of his lover behind him digging his fingers and his short, pecked fingers in his hips came inside him, although Yuuto didn’t know if he as well came from there. He didn’t really care, for the first time he didn’t feel that ugly film on his skin, and he couldn’t have asked for more, it was the best sensation he had felt in a long time.

Yuugo laughed and hugged him tight. «I was afraid you would turn you back of me!» he said, pressing his little curves against Yuuto’s back «I mean, you’re the second person who doesn’t react badly at me in bed».

«The other one being your creepy ex?».

«Yeah… he used to be so nice, but then he turned creepy. You won’t turn creepy, will you?».

«I don’t even know how to be creepy».

«Good!». Yuugo suddenly jumped on the other side of the bed, and Yuuto could see from very close his chest, and his genitals were merely inches from his hands, and the sole idea he could touch him all over was really strange and embarrassing. Shaking, he hovered over his curves, brushing lightly, and his thoughts crushed. If there was something he had always been sure, it was his homosexuality, so deeply-rooted it was downright impossible for him to fall in love or desire a woman, but he was just so curious about the way Yuugo’s body worked, the fact he liked him even if he knew, touched his feminine side, although he was a man (... he was a man, right?), his mind couldn’t fathom the mix of notions, the way Yuugo smiled when he brushed his fingers between his slim legs, discovering his completely wet crevice but then brushing his short member… it was crazy, too crazy, how did he find himself with such a person.

«I know what you’re asking yourself, Masaki».

«If I can still call myself gay?».

«No, I don’t know that! I guess, if you don’t like my female side, then yeah, call yourself gay, or even if you like it! It’s up to you!».

«Then, what should I be asking myself?».

«How can I be such a freak of nature».

«You’re not a freak, it happens, sometimes mind and body don’t quite connect. I guess it’s the hormones that made you like this, right?».

Yuugo chuckled warmly, but then, in a completely serious tone, he explained «The hormones were off since I was in the womb, I was born like this».

«… what?».

«I know you thought I was just a guy transitioning to his real gender, but this is my real gender. Well, not when I don’t want it, but it usually is».

What that even possible?

«… you’re making a terrible face, Masaki».

«What -».

«Sorry, I shouldn’t have spent the night, I knew I would have scared you». Yuugo stood up and took some tissues from the night stand, wiping himself… herself…? clean. Yuugo was suddenly moody, sad and Yuuto just stared stunned, trying to fully process the informations he was just given.

«We can still be friends, in case! Uncle would love a guy like you in his band».

«Why are you leaving?».

«Because you’re disgusted now, are you? You made a disgusted face right now».

«I didn’t, I’m confused! What do you mean by born like this? How can people be… hermaphrodites? I thought it was just a legend».

«Do I look like a myth?».

«No, that’s why I don’t get it, and I want to get it».

«You… don’t think I’m a freak?».

«Well, yeah, but I said, it happens, it’s not bad. People would be more scared by me than you, with all my tattoos».

«I think they’re cool!».

«See? I think you’re cool too, with or without your bits».

«Do you really think so?».

No, he didn’t completely think so, he wished he completely thought so, but at the same time, he minded less than expected, but he still minded. He… she? made him come, made him feel right for the first time after months of self-loathing for his libertine behaviour, made him feel loved and fulfilled, and it was simply too hurtful to break both their hearts simply because he liked cock too much. What was he thinking? Not even he knew anymore, he just knew a huge part of him couldn’t live without Yuugo’s quirkiness anymore. He had so much to show, so much to tell, he was so completely different just in his interests, let alone in her body - his body.

Yuugo knelt on the bed, in front of him, with that smile so warm it could have melted the thickest ice. Yuuto wished with all his heart he would just stop minding all that Yuugo had just revealed, but he couldn’t ignore… all of that. But the fact he was willing to stay with him - her, despite his turn offs, was even more shocking, confusing, he thought he wouldn’t really like that, but somehow he didn’t mind that much. The idea of being less homosexual than expected scared him beyond belief, more than anything else.

«You’re amazing, Suzuki» he ended up saying, and it was the truest thing he could say. Yuugo hugged him tight, too tight maybe, and made happy noises like a child would make. «It means a lot to me!» he said, with tears flickering in those clean springs he had as eyes. Yuuto wondered how much courage Yuugo had to harbor just to show his, her body, and grew suddenly jealous of all that courage.

  


**N** ovember had begun with a little rain, a terrible hangover headache for Yuuto and tears for Yuugo, sitting in a corner with a bed sheet to cover his - her body. Yuuto could barely stand up, and barely heard Yuuya whispering in the bathroom over the phone, or even Yuugo sobbing, even if he was right in front of him. With a tremendous effort, he put himself on his feet and walked toward Yuugo, but his reaction - her reaction was to jerk back and utter «Don’t touch me».

«What...» Yuuto said, but the moment he opened his mouth he felt like he had already puked and the taste was still in his mouth.

«Don’t… touch me. Don’t speak to me, I’m sick of this».

«Sick of what?».

«Of what you said and did… it hurt me so much».

«Oh… I don’t even remember what happened yesterday».

«See for yourself, we’re all _naked_ ».

Even if his stomach was clearly empty, he still felt his gastric acids attempt to climb his esophagus. «I was drunk, whatever I said I didn’t mean it».

«Yes, you did! I mean, it’s why everyone gets drunk, to be themselves».

«Oh, come on, we say lots of bullshit when we’re drunk».

«Don’t lie to me, you meant all of that! I trusted you… I thought you really didn’t mind about my being, but you’re like everyone else, thinking I’m really a horrible freak».

What had he told him - her - Yuugo, to break them so much? Whatever he had said, he didn’t really think it, whatever he had said was the result of being shocked and confused - but not disgusted, how could he be disgusted? There could have been a thousand reasons he could have been disgusted, but none of them was right, nice or decent, so why would he have said that stuff? What had been wrong inside him? He was terrified at his own subconscious, and his heart sank down somewhere around his kidneys.

«I don’t think that you’re a freak».

«Liar! Everyone thinks it, even my parents do, _I do_ , I’d prefer a thousand times being normal like all of you, but this is who I am, I’m too used to my body, I can’t just cut and sew it, like you said!».

«I said what?!».

«You’re not even the first one telling me that...».

Jesus Christ, what the FUCK had he said to him - her - Yuugo? He felt the nausea rush once again to his nose, he wanted to eat back all the words he had said to him - her - _Yuugo_ , and puke them in the toilet, flush and never see them again, together with the undigested alcohol, if there was any left.

«I swear, I don’t hate you, how could I?».

«You said I make you not-gay, and you hate that».

«I don’t hate you for that. I don’t like questioning myself, but -».

«But what? You went past my aspect, that’s what you were about to say? I’m sick of being lied to, just say you don’t like me».

«But I like you… that’s the point, I like you, but I feel too weird about how should I touch you, no matter how hard I try».

Yuugo sighed sombre «Why did you lie to me, then, and said you find me amazing? You don’t clearly think that».

«Are you kidding me, just because you have a pussy, doesn’t mean I can’t like you! I know that I really liked just the male side of you, but -».

«I don’t want someone who likes only the parts they find best».

«Will you let me finish?!».

«No. I’m tired of this, I just want to go home».

Yuuto was so tired, he couldn’t shake his head, or react properly. Whatever he said, Yuugo blocked it, sure that he had never cared about him. But he cared, deeply, about Yuugo, although in a very egoistical way, he knew it, but he cared about that slim person with the most beautiful smile and eyes, with more bravery and will to fight than he even wished to have a tenth of: he still couldn’t come out to his family, but Yuugo showed his body to him, despite the way it wasn’t at all normal, knowing how that could hurt him - her, fearing who knows what reactions. He admired Yuugo, in many ways… then, why did the worst side of his mind, the one that couldn’t face how Yuugo was, intoxicated with jealousy, have been given full field of action?

«Yuugo, please, I -».

«I know, and I did as well, but I can’t go on, knowing a side of you won’t let me be myself. Maybe we can meet up at Uncle’s gatherings, but don’t expect me to just talk to you so lightly. Be as gay as you want, I don’t care at this point. Take care of yourself». He, she, they, stood up keeping the sheet over his body, hiding it, and wiping away their tears and mucus off his faces, but he couldn’t keep in another burst of tears and sobbed until his voice cracked and Yuuto wanted to comfort him, hug him, but he rejected him and said again «Don’t touch me! Nobody touch me!» and had to collect his clothes, dress, and go away, and Yuuto did nothing to stop him, he was a shell of apparent void, but with too many emotions barely being kept in. He trusted Yuugo in a way not even he fully understood, and Yuugo had trusted him, and now he couldn’t trust himself, because of whatever insensitive atrocities he had told while completely wasted. He couldn’t even cry, his forehead hurt too much, he wanted to sleep and hope to wake up and find Yuugo next to him, smiling and stretching loudly his arms, but it hurt even to do that, without counting the fact he knew Yuugo wouldn’t be next to him being as cutely clingy as they always were.

He couldn’t blame anyone but himself and his stupid mouth and his suppressed side, even doubting that he loved Yuugo, lying to himself just not to break their heart, they didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve Yuugo, he didn’t deserve anything at that point. He had just pushed away one of the most beautiful persons he’d ever met, because of his stupid stubbornness over his sexuality. He deserved absolutely nothing good, because of some repressed anger not even he knew he had so much to contain. He stumbled on the floor, sobbing, worsening his headache, wishing he would die right there.

  


**A** s months passed, he turned back to his awful behaviour made of quickies and sense of shame staining his skin, thicker where the sperm dropped. It had become almost constant, never-leaving, no matter how hard he washed himself, or how much his friends told him that it was ok to have so much sex with so many strangers. He felt that it wasn’t ok, it was like having sex with someone wearing a plain mask, but the need for something physical was greater than his shamefulness.

Week after week, he collected bits of informations about what happened that night, and if Yuuya was right, then it had been a disgusting mess, something that needed a huge amount of brain bleach, and it was easy to see why Yuugo had been so visibly traumatised. He wished he had never knew what he had done, what he said and seen, or that he had done, said and seen all of that in the first place. The sense of dirt was becoming too much to bear. The only good thing that had come off it was his finally quitting alcohol, possibly forever, but on the downside, he began to smoke more, almost reaching a whole packet of cigarette a day and starting to cough more than usual, irritating his dry throat and dumping it with unknown men’s liquids. It was the quickest way to forget, let his mind not hover on anything that troubled him, even if just for ten minutes at the time. Unlike Yuuya, who had been concentrating on his exams and relationships, turning into the usual fun and easy-going guy he had always been until that crap happened, Yuuto was falling again into the self-loathing circle he had come out only because of Yuugo, and he hadn’t got Yuugo on his side, he hadn’t got Shun, he got no one, and he was too ashamed to ask Ruri for help, or ask anyone for help.

Up until days before Christmas, his behaviour worsened, without his housemate to at least check on him if he overdid anything, already keeping him from smoking too much, although he should have checked better, since Yuuto felt the tobacco constantly sting his mouth. He smoked more, and at least the cold kept him inside the house, instead of out in the streets meeting more strangers without attempting to have a serious discussion with them. He could have gone to his parents, but he had no wish to see them anytime soon.

Someone knocked on the door, and he didn’t immediately stand up to open the door, but then he heard someone snarl «I’m gonna wait here, you can’t stay inside your house forever, Masaki».

Just when things couldn’t get worse, Shun Kurosaki had the nerve to pop up in his life, after a whole year of pretending he didn’t exist anymore.

«You’re wasting your breath, go away».

«Have you gone deaf? I’m not leaving».

Yuuto with a loud and angry grunt stood up, lit a cigarette, and did his best to ignore the guy on the other side of the door. But Shun knocked over and over, and Yuuto had to open the door, furious, to kick him away. «Have you gone deaf, I said you go away!».

«I left him».

It was sudden, not asked, and Yuuto thought that it was about time Shun came back to his steps, but why did he dare to show his face again?

«Good, now leave» he said, closing the door, but Shun put his boot to keep it open. «Fucking let me in, I have to talk to you».

«Why, you’ve grown tired of him and decided to eg me for forgiveness?».

«I want to explain, everything».

«And you waited a goddamn year to do that?».

As it was predictable, he didn’t answer.

«Tch, you’ve become pathetic, Kurosaki». In the end, he sighed and opened the door wide, saying «Enter, but make it quick».

He couldn’t help but get a good look of how Shun’s body had ended up. He looked paler, but less thin than the last time he saw him, when he had to tighten his belt; it looked like he had been well fed, after all, and it was predictable, since he went with a rich as hell kinkster. Shun lit a cigarette, the usual cheap brand of Mevius he always used to smoke since high school, exploiting his adult look, and sat on a chair. «I want to put up the band again» he then said.

Yuuto couldn’t keep a jeer in «You’re joking, right?».

«I’m not the joking type, Masaki».

«What makes you think I’m willing to go back with you?».

«I know I’ve hurt you, but -».

«Why haven’t you started a band with what’s his name, Shiun’in?».

«I would have never tainted something like our band with him».

«You have stained so much more than the band, and you know that». He was smoking angrily, not even enjoying the taste and the small pleasure waves of nicotine, despite him being almost at the end of his cigarette. «You’ve sold yourself, you betrayed my trust! Heck, you’ve probably betrayed his trust as well, backstabbed him because you missed me so much. At least, I hope he paid you good, bitch. Because» Yuuto crushed the cigarette butt under his sole «that’s the real reason you left me and ran behind that creep’s skirt, right? Money! The band wasn’t enough for you, you couldn’t pay bills, and he offered you to be his bitch, am I right?».

Shun didn’t utter a sound, he kept slowly breathing his own cigarette.

Yuuto continued «He should’ve asked you to leave me - of course, you weren’t to be _shared_. I really hope your services paid you good. How much did he pay you to suck off his dick, or fuck you? I’m curious».

Shun kept his strategy of not saying anything.

«I wasn’t enough, was I? Ruri wasn’t enough, all that stuff you wrote meant absolutely nothing, all that shit about being true to yourself was just a lie, wasn’t it? You said you had to face whoever’s insulting you, kicking you under their boots, and look at you, you aren’t answering me, you aren’t defending yourself, and you didn’t say no to that fucker! You’re a joke, you’re less than a worm!».

There was a very tiny reaction, his lips trembled for a couple seconds, but he quickly returned to his stoicism.

«You said when you had to clench your teeth for hunger, you had to keep going, and instead you sold yourself like a slut, because you couldn’t deal with hunger! How the fuck can you look at yourself in the mirror, how can you feel not ashamed?! You’ve taught me everything I know, you’ve filled my mind with ideals, the ones I needed, we needed, and YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHAT ON THEM! I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE, BEFORE I FUCKING BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE!». Yuuto took the first thing on hand and threw it with all his force at Shun - it didn’t matter in that moment if he was going to really break some of Shun’s bones, even if they were his skull’s. Luckily, the pillow he took only broke the cigarette Shun held in his lips, but in that moment something broke inside Yuuto, something that had inside his brain, he could have sweared he heard it crack, and all the anger he’d grown in his body exploded. He ran towards Shun, took him by the collar, threw him on the floor, and started to kick him. Shun expelled all the air in his lungs when the boot first hit his chest, and then he barely managed to breath between one kick and the other, but he still didn’t react, and that only angered Yuuto even more, making his punch his face, and punch again, and again, and break his nose, making the blood flow like a river off his face, and he only whined like a loser dog.

«REACT, YOU FUCKING SLIME!».

Yuuto didn’t care if the impact hurt his knuckles too, or that Shun’s blood was dirtying his clothes, he only wanted to destroy that excuse of a human under his legs. He kept punching him until his arms became too tired, and then he managed to lift him by the collar again and make his slam his head of the floor, _and he still didn’t lift a finger_. His anger was broken and its pieces pierced his brain, and someone they managed to break even more and go further, blinding his conscience, and he pressed his hands on Shun’s neck.

But the moment he did it, Shun’s hands twisted his wrists and his head slammed against his, and Yuuto really went blind for a moment, and something truly broke, his nose bridge, and blood started to flew from his own nose, unbearably warm, ending up in his mouth and he was forced to taste its iron. Shun lifted him up and slammed him on the wall, and threw punches on his stomach, even after Yuuto accidentally bit his tongue and more blood filled his mouth to the point of drooling off it. Shun pulled his hair, dragged him on the ground face down and pressed a knee on his back, and then he took off his red bandana, twisted it around Yuuto’s neck and pulled the ends crossing them, strangling him.

Tears of fear started to fall down Yuuto’s cheeks: Shun was pulling the bandana too hard, he couldn’t breath, let alone talk. It was terror what now pierced his brain in thousands of pieces, terror of dying right there, under Shun’s weight, by Shun’s hands, and he was pulling too hard to be joking. He shouldn’t have break him, make him feel how broken he felt, how he had to rely on tens of strangers to fill the hole Shun left in his chest, the one that was forced to press on the floor, how the only one that understood him ran away because he shouted the worst insults towards them, insults that should have been directed to the guy that was killing him, right there, right then.

His neck hurt, and his mind had been stopping to function way too quickly, his muscles begged for oxygen, and his heart was trying to pump all it could and seemed to break his rib cage by how much and how hard was trying to let him live. He felt cold, and confused, and he couldn’t even sob. It took him a terrifying amount of energy to get a word out.

«Plea… se...».

He didn’t have energy to fight. He barely had energy to think, and his only thought was “ _I’m gonna die_ ”.

He almost lost consciousness, to the point he didn’t immediately noticed his throat and back were free again. He took deep breaths, checked his own pulse, his body ached like it was used as a pincushion, and his face didn’t even feel like it was his own, but a mask, covered in blood and saliva over the mouth. Only then he tried to talk and realised moving his tongue meant Hell.

«Are you done with jumping to conclusions?» Shun asked, his voice tired and emotionless. Yuuto nodded, despite the pain around his neck that surely was about to leave a terrible mark. He turned to look at Shun, his face just as bloody - but then, he saw his tears cleaning up a way on his dirty cheeks.

«I was desperate, you’re right» he uttered, his voice was dry and even depressed. «I needed money, and quickly, and he had promised me to give me some - and then I don’t know, it was supposed to be just one night, but he kept coming and he told me he loved me, and... ». He sighed deeply. «My parents had almost kicked Ruri out of the house, and I didn’t want her to become a prostitute just to keep herself alive, and I ended up becoming one in her place».

«R-» Yuuto tried to speak, but his whole face was in pieces, and even if he overcame the pain, he couldn’t talk properly; with lots of struggle, he finally said «Ruri has her band».

«I… know».

«She’s an excuse, isn’t she».

«She is».

«Fuck you».

Shun looked even more away from Yuuto. «It wasn’t really money, in the end… he had this way of dragging you with presents and his sweet face, and then show himself for the bastard he is, and you don’t even realise it».

«Did you - ouch!».

«Don’t talk, Masaki».

«I talk all I want, bitch».

But he didn’t talk more, it took him too much. The ache had become duller but more extended, from the point of the head to the end of his toes, like getting the tact back after pins and needles. And Shun as well stopped to talk for a while, and smoked ignoring his own pain.

«I guess I was punishing myself, for falling in love with him… or whatever happened to me, I don’t know if I even liked him to be honest. He dragged me first, and I let him drag me deeper into his Hells… you don’t know how fucked up his mind really is. He’s got so many morbid fantasies, and I was fascinated, I wanted to know how worse he could get, how much could he break me… and I always thought about you, how much I hurt you, and I couldn’t face you, each time he did something to me I felt more guilty. He’s a psycho, and I didn’t want you get involved».

«He wanted you to be just his, then».

«No, he couldn’t have cared less, he likes to watch in fact, and that’s the most normal kink he has». His cigarette was consumed completely, and let only a thin trail of smoke barely visible coming out of it. «He’d have dragged you into this, if I stayed with you, and I didn’t want you to get involved, and so I did the most reasonable thing».

«If you kept your cock into your pants, you - urgh...».

«I know, it’s all my fault. I was stupid, but I couldn’t - I was like hooked on heroin, I know I was doing the wrong thing over and over, but I couldn’t stop and face anyone else».

His voice, all that time, kept on sounding emotionless, fake, but Yuuto knew he wasn’t faking, Shun never had been the type to let emotions out, and if he was telling the truth, that guy left him drained of everything he held dear. Just like the absence of Shun drained him of happiness, after all. He had been happy with Shun by his side, fulfilled, he had a meaning, a reason to live… he wondered if Shun had ever felt the same. He really, really wanted to trust him back, deep down, but his neck reminded him of why things would have never be the same, if they were going to be back together in the first place. Maybe Shun was as broken as him, or even more - not that they ever had been even in one single piece to begin with.

«Look at me».

Shun didn’t lift his eyes. Instead of repeating himself, Yuuto stood up and pulled his hair. Shun resisted against him, and he pulled more, surely tearing some of his hair off, until Shun’s head was turned and he had to face him. Then, whatever was still left in Yuuto of anger and fear fell off and the only thing he knew was the cold of sadness, when he noticed Shun’s eyes were all red and pathetic, and apologetic - since when he had been crying?

He couldn’t get his words out and the toll of the night finally called, he lost all forces and fell on his knees. He didn’t even know what he should say, anyway.

«I’ll call an ambulance» Shun coughed, more than said, and spit some blood on the floor that has accidentally gulped from the nose. It was a good thing Yuuya was off to visit his mother, or he had been going to kill them, after he’d have washed the blood off. They’d think about how to pay the emergency service later; probably, Shun had some money left from his pimp. Calling that guy “boyfriend” wasn’t even worth the bile.

He woke up into the hospital bed. At first, he didn’t realise where he was, he had fallen asleep before he could get there, and he opened his eyes to find needles in his arms and a wide bandage over his not anymore broken nose, but still corked (despite that, he could still smell the scent of aseptic, it was almost palpable he could smell it using only his tongue). A nurse was just right checking his values, and said «Oh, you woke up!».

«Yeah… I woke up». He tried to move his legs and he took a breath of relief when he moved them and didn’t feel any pain.

«Don’t move, please».

«I’ve only got a broken nose, I can move». He sat up on the bed and touched his face and arms and legs, to check that everything was really in its place. His fingers lights brushed the strip that pulsated a bit more than the rest of the body, the bruise he had on the neck.

«What are you going to do with him?» the nurse asked.

«What do you mean».

«You know, the police is interrogating him, the guy who brought you here… that looks like attempted murder, to them. I thought you should know that».

Yuuto imaginated Shun under that thick smoke and the bright light one always sees in noir movies, with a bad cop and a good cop pressuring him. He wasn’t sorry, not completely, Shun didn’t deserve to be forgiven that easily, but he couldn’t deny that it had been his absence to mess him up, and probably his presence would mess him up even more. He didn’t want Shun to ruin his life again, nor he wanted to give him another chance, but if he had to chose between Shun and tens of nameless men before finding someone to trust again… he was aware he could simply not have sex and concentrate on other stuff, but the other stuff wasn’t at all what he wanted in his life.

«May I go see him?».

«I’m afraid you can’t… but don’t worry, you’ll both be out of here tomorrow».

Tomorrow was still too soon to face him problems. Getting the band back together would have been absolutely fantastic, but Shun had almost killed him, after cheating on him and pretending to have never met him in a year, how was he supposed to trust him enough to play together once again? He was too tired to think it over, he wished he could just live things as they used to be, but there was too much pain, too much confusion. Yuugo would have surely helped him, but he had pushed them away because he feared to be something more than what he always knew. Nothing that he knew made sense anymore, not even himself.

  


**I** t was June, sweat rolling down the neck, along the spine, and his shoulders hurt, he wasn’t used to having a guitar hanging from them anymore, the strap was irritating his skin. Not even his voice was used to sing anymore, it had quickly gone hoarse, but it wasn’t a bad thing, it gave perfectly the sense of authentic rage that Yuuto wanted to express. It was a more vast rage, not just as he sang toward whatever system denies whatever right, but toward possibly everyone in front of him. He wondered how many of those faces were the faces he had seen in the shadows of a toilet stall, how many of them offered him drinks in exchange of a blowjob (he wouldn’t go so low, but they tried), and the one toward in the end was rageful the most was merely steps behind him. He couldn’t forgive him, never completely, never pretend nothing bad had happened, but he couldn’t help but once again hide somewhere and smoke together with Shun, diss everyone they wanted without limitations, and even fuck.

It felt dirtier than anything else, and Yuuto couldn’t believe it was possible for that slime to be thicker and more corroding with someone he knew, but given it was Shun Kurosaki, it had to be expected. It didn’t matter how much he had missed his touch, his low grunts, he couldn’t let himself get completely loose, he had to keep some kind of conscious thought even when he wanted to lose his mind in the backstage, and it didn’t get better. But it was all that he wanted, and he couldn’t let it escape once again.

At least, it felt good to be on stage, nothing could go wrong, and even Shun’s kisses right in front of everyone, as a mark, as a warning to all of them to not mess with Yuuto and him, almost a symbol of ownership, despite the lyrics screaming about not belonging to anyone or any place, were welcome. There was a zone, so to say, where not even the sense of shame could tarnish his experience, nothing could ruin his mood, but it was rare, and easily broken.

Shun had never been a lot talkative in regular life, and in bed he limited words to a minimum, mostly because there was such a mutual understatement they didn’t need to tell the other what to do, how to do it, even after being apart and hitting each other in fury and having to sew their relationship back together. Yuuto often found himself pushing Shun away because the sensation of firth whenever he grabbed him was too strong and sick. It was some kind of miracle, that Shun wouldn’t leave and would understand, maybe because, as he said, he understood the way he felt. Maybe he said that just to reassure him, maybe he really had the same film on his skin, but he did his best to let Yuuto accept him.

«I can’t do this, sorry» he gasped, once in their dressing room, his penis painfully erect and demanding attentions, but his butt fighting against Shun’s own needs to fuck him hard. He felt inept, as if he had to re-learn how to be a bottom. Shun caressed his forehead, swiping away a drop of sweat, and whispered «Don’t be sorry, it’s my fault».

«No, it’s not, not completely».

Shun looked away, wounded and aware that he was right. He dressed back, without bothering if his erection was visibly swelling under his clothes, and lit a cigarette, offering one to Yuuto. With a «Thanks» Yuuto lit it, wondering when would he quit smoking and find a better way to deal with the stress, and they smoked in silence. He’d realised he didn’t like silence with Shun anymore, they knew they had to talk more frankly, but didn’t have the courage.

«Have you come out to your parents?» Shun said, to break it.

«No, and I don’t know if I ever will, at this point, I don’t have to».

«I didn’t have to either, but I did it anyway. If anything happens, I’ll help you out».

«You know I don’t - nevermind, thanks».

He knew that his parents would have treated him just like Shun’s parents treated him, and he had seen how Shun had been scared, despite his stoicism, with his eyes darting like a stray cat concentrating on a danger and his trembling. He had never cried, not in front of Yuuto at least, or in front of Ruri as far as he knew. And then, Yuuto despised his parents, how they were drenched in middle-class self-righteousness, avoiding and judging anything odd, including their son with tattoos hidden under his clothes, hip piercings and an uncanny taste for punk subcultures, They wouldn’t probably even suspect the existence of a place like the one they just performed in.

«You’re feeling better?».

«Yeah, thanks».

«Do you want to grab a beer?».

«Drink one for me, I’m done with alcohol».

They stayed a bit more. Yuuto felt himself watched, and when he turned, Yuugo was peeping from the other end of the counter. His stomach felt like burning.

«Hi, Masaki» they said, looking away «Great show». They were smiling beautifully, shyly.

«Thanks» was all that Yuuto could say.

«You know, when Uncle told me I could go watch you play, I thought no, it would hurt me so much! But he insisted so much and I came anyway, and I’m glad I did! I had so much fun!».

«I’m glad».

«Hey, uhm, I’m really sorry for the way I treated you».

Why did people have the ability to make him feel like absolute shit and then say sorry after ages?

«I’ve called you names».

«I know, but when you were sober, you treated me well!».

«Why have you waited so much to tell me this, then? Why does everyone wait ages to tell me anything?».

«I thought you hated me! I mistreated you and left you!».

«But I don’t hate you».

«You really don’t?».

Yuuto didn’t answer. Yuugo sighed and said «Yeah, I guessed so, but it’s alright, really! I’m glad you’re happy and you found someone else!».

«It’s not that great, he and I have got a lot to work on, in this relationship».

«But you go along so well! It was a bit embarrassing, seeing you making out on stage, but I’m really happy that you aren’t afraid to show how much you love him».

Yuuto smirked amused «Yeah, what a courage».

«I’m not kidding!». They smiled, glancing over the bottle of beer in their hands. «Hey, is it okay if we see again, sometimes?».

«I don’t know...».

«You can bring your boyfriend, if you want! I don’t mind, it’s better if we’re more!».

«I’ll ask him».

Yuugo smiled again, but their cheeks weren’t red anymore. «I know, it’s been hard for you, I mean it’s been hard for me! But everything gets better, trust me!».

The last thing Yuuto needed was to be told something as overused and corny. He knew he had to tell his parents, but how would things get better? They could only get worse. If they, by any chance, accepted him, it wouldn’t change a thing, he would still have to study something he didn’t like, and he would even feel like shit for judging them too early and spitting on everything they said and did without checking.

He decided to stay at Shun’s for the night and bring Ruri with them, although she had insisted on going home, the one she shared with her girlfriend, alone, despite the risks. She fell asleep almost immediately on the couch, forcing Shun to wake her up and bring her somewhere more comfortable, yet she insisted on sleeping right where she was. Shun and Yuuto went to the older one’s bedroom, and silently made out. Shun put his hands under Yuuto’s underpants, stroking his dick until it turned warm and hard, with blood rushing in his veins, his fingers feeling sticky. Yuuto kept all his voice inside, when Shun went down, opened the zip of his trousers, and let his erection free, enveloping it between his lips and sucking it, and his hand stroked his scrotum, squeezed it, made Yuuto twist his lips, before his fingers moved inside his ass, stretching the canal.

«Use some lube, idiot» Yuuto gritted, passing the bottle over. As soon as he felt the watery texture inside him, he felt all over his body that goo slunking over his skin and making him think he should reject him, let him ignore the urgencies of his body, and the more Shun played with his asshole, then more that sludge invaded him. Not even the safety of the smooth rubber texture helped him feel any better, and he concentrated on the mild pain he felt when Shun’s hard cock forced his muscles, and the good feeling in his chest when Shun kissed him again, cutting his breath and his low groans. Sometimes, it felt good enough to make him cum, but it wasn’t like the old times, when every orgasm was complete and mind-blowing, he had to keep himself conscious and not let his mind completely run wild, in fear of feeling too disgusted and having to stop.

In the afterglow, as his semen had met his skin and Shun collapsed on a side, falling asleep, Yuuto didn’t find any sleep. He passed the night staring at the ceiling, unable to pinpoint something secure in his future. Shun wasn’t a safe haven and so was the band, university had never been a point to begin with, his family was the point he wanted to forget no matter how, and what else he had? Nothing much. His own underground rebellion, which in itself meant a life without anything certain. The only certain detail was quitting every dangerous habit he had. «I don’t know what to do...» he murmured.

As an involuntary answer, Shun in his sleep reached him out, longing for his hand, and while Yuuto wasn’t thrillingly happy with the sign, he thought he had to be content as he was, and enjoy what he already had, until they ran away and disappeared in the night.

 

 


	3. Yuugo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pronouns I've used for Yuugo are based off the Orion's arm Anglish pronouns (http://www.orionsarm.com/eg-article/495360fba7a46).  
> This is where the "rape/non-con" warning ended up being necessary - it's not detailed, but be careful.

« **H** ey, you gonna get up?».

«Mhrmrh - what».

«It’s nine o'clock, you gonna go to class or not?».

«Just five more minutes, Pa’».

There clearly weren’t five more minutes for Yuugo, since a well placed kick shook the bed and rolled hir out of the bed.

«Paaaaaa’ c’mon, first lesson is at half past noon, and it’s rush hour, let me sleeeep».

«Are you gonna sleep until lunch, then?».

Yuugo muttered something barely heardable.

«What?».

«A shaid» se yawned «I’ll get up when I want».

Instead of getting up when se wanted to, hir father took hir by the shoulders and put hir up. «Wake up, idiot!».

«I’m awake, I’m awake, Pa’, don’t worry» se said, yawning again. «Is the morning paper in, Pa’?».

«I’ve already brought it, it’s on the kitchen table - but you’re making your own coffee».

«Thanks, Pa’».

Just like hir father said, the newspaper of the day was right where he said it would be, and he clearly had already gave it a look, as it was a bit worn out and there were traces of motor oil on the corners. When the heck would hir father ever learn not to touch the morning paper while he did his daily check on his motorcycle? Yuugo sighed and went to fill the coffee machine and make hir daily dose of warm coffee that would wake hir up and understand anything that went beyond “What 2 + 2?”.

As usual, there weren’t any political news se didn’t already know, but at least, the culture section was interesting! Yuugo was all well aware that physical newspaper was pretty much useless, in a world where every bit of news was delivered as soon as possible and available within a touch of a finger, but se loved the small pleasure of drinking your favourite beverage while reading the news, better if the coffee was hot and sweet even if outside people cursed the social unacceptance of going around naked. That day, however, wasn’t clearly that type of day, since it was a nice and warm April morning, with just some white fluffy clouds to dot the light blue sky, the type of day where you wouldn’t need to cover yourself nor to expose too much, all you needed was a light jacket just in case.

Morning passed slowly, and Yuugo spent it mostly tidying his room and recollecting his notes. Se couldn’t believe how much of a mess se would make in one night of study! It looked like the lair of some mad scientist who was on the verge of discovering something fundamental, but in hir case it was simply the detailed analysis of various articles. While for many journalism was a simple subject studied by lazy people, for Yuugo it was important, as it was the best way, se found out, to express one’s opinion and be believed. Well, a journalist shouldn’t expose their opinions, but they would choose some subject to write upon, the one they have the most at heart, and be passionate about it, and that’s what Yuugo wanted to do with hir life, be passionate about issues se cared the most. That, and take care of hir motorcycle as if it was a kid, and possibly adopt as many children as se could, and marry, or at least live together with Rin.

Which wasn’t that simple, for many reasons:

Reason one, she was heterosexual.

Reason two, even if she were anywhere in the polysexuality spectrum, she would probably still think twice about getting sexual involved with someone like hir.

Reason three, even if she were chill about hir body, they were childhood friends, since their births basically, and the day she would date hir would most likely come in twothousandbelieveit.

Reason four, Yuugo had the terrible habit of adoring her and at the same time have gargantuan crushes on other people, and se felt like betraying her retroactively, in the impossible case they would become a couple.

In other words, Rin and se were still best friends, relying on each other, but se never moved toward exposing hir feelings, and if she felt the same way, well, she either never showed or Yuugo never caught the signals.

After a quick shower, se prepared to make errands for the house, before heading to university, and se stared at hir body, as every morning, seeing if there were any particular changes that never came. Se knew se was freaky, uncommon, but se had to live with it, and ended up loving hir soft curves, hir lean body that couldn’t decide if it should be more like a man’s or more like a woman’s and ended up being a bit of both, se liked a bit less that lame excuse for a penis se had hanging between hir legs, but a lot more hir vagina, soft and sensitive. Nonetheless, se was aware that nobody would like hir as se was, weirded out at best and ragefully disgusted at worst; not even hir doctor was 100% comfortable with physical exams, se knew that, although he treated hir way better than any other doctor hir parents went to.

Se run her fingers over hir chest, small, like a teenager shyly discovering how puberty was changing them, and in hir eyes those two tenuous hills were the cutest chest you could ever have, but se had to put binders to hide it, since it was just easier to pretend to be a boy with feminine facial features, rather than a girl mocked for a tiny bosom, or a boy with some kind of issue that made one have a bosom, or any kind of transgender, whether the side, and be bullied for it, something that se had the misfortune to experience regardless of all hir precautions. But that was in the past, se had gone past that terrible time and gotten stronger, not that se had ever been a crying chicken. Seeing hirself flat had always been weird, but se had learnt not to mind that much in daily life.

There was only one thing, in that moment, that se didn’t like: a small, dark bruise below hir neck, and thin red bruises on hir wrists, where hir “boyfriend” had tied hir and gave him a harsh hickey, before Yuugo finally snapped and dumped him. At first, he had shown a soft side, treated hir like royalty, spoiled hir, but it went gradually darker, until Yuugo couldn’t take in anymore, too much creepiness and unwanted attentions and experimentations. It had been the first time Yuugo had ever had a relationship, one that would be 100% serious and 100% involving a sexual intercourse (the only other times se had an intimate contact, it was at a high school party, with a girl from another class whose name se completely forgot, the first time se saw a girl naked and fully realised how different the two were and how much it hurt  not to be like her, and at a gay bar where hir uncle - not really his uncle, but a family friend that had taken care of hir as if Yuugo were his own child, and responsible of around 80% of Yuugo’s own political ideals too - brought him as se turned eighteen, and where Yuugo for the first time saw a naked man, feeling a deep sense of inferiority because se would never be like him), and understandably se was eager to make such an important experience, with someone that seemed, for once, to truly love hir completely, even hir unique bits, and was eager to try so many things, even kinky stuff, and feel a warm sense of fulfilment every time they met. But then, the kinks became only painful and degradating, for Yuugo at least, maybe someone else liked them, but se didn’t, and he escaped before they could turn into something truly violent, and smacked him and shouted at him many insults that were all true. And that hickey was there to remind hir of all of that.

Se took a deep breath and slapped his face, and told to hirself «Come on, Yuugo! There’s the whole world out there, don’t get yourself down!», letting everything bad behind.

Se was let down, after the first university lesson.

«Suzuki» his professor addressed him in private, right after the lesson ended «I’ve got a glimpse of your paper, and I seems you haven’t learnt».

«Learnt what? I did my research, checked the sources, as requested, I did everything right!».

«The composition meets the criteria, it’s… the topic».

Yuugo didn’t bother to hide hir annoyance. «I’ve already made clear, I’ll write as much as I can about what I want to talk about, it’s why I’ve taken this course!».

Hir professor sighed heavily «I’m really glad you are so passionate about these important issues, but it would be better if you addressed your energies in actual activism».

It was extremely irritating to heard that every time se dared to concentrate hir efforts on issues se found important, especially to the sphere se was directly invested in, but also things that didn’t touch hir but se still found important as much as the ones se experienced first hand. «I thought I had already explained this!» se replied «This is part of what I do for my activism, I will be taken more seriously if I’m a journalist!».

The professor sighed again, collecting the papers, and repeated, just like the last time they got themselves a quarrel ike that «Trust me, you’re just wasting your time, here».

«Yeah, I got it, I’ll still do things my ways. Gimme a bad grade, I don’t care at this point». Se took hir backpack and rushed away, without saying goodbye - se was sick of having that bullshit thrown every time se handed a paper about, just to make examples, why the heck they haven’t legalised marriage for everyone regardless of their sex, or why the fuck does Japan still hate the Koreans living in its territory, or just poor people, or literally anything that made hir ask “Why isn’t Japan the perfect place everyone thinks it is?”.

Se knew se couldn’t do much, while se had to study, but it wasn’t like se didn’t do anything useful! It wasn’t like he had missed a couple assignments just because se had to finish the regular issue of hir zine, something that se deemed fundamental and the reason why se decided to study journalism, or one of the many reasons. If se had enough weight in society, by say,  _ be a journalist everyone knows _ , se could really change things, se was sure of it. It was something se believed with all hir heart, and se wasn’t alone in that mindset, although as far as se knew, se was the only one having taken that path, others have taken other paths just as valid for their objective.

Se was trying to calm down, munching something from the vending machine, when se felt a familiar voice calling hir, a voice that would make hir shiver and blush like a kid at their first crush, except hir crush went on and on for years, and not exactly as monogamously as se wanted.

«Let me guess» Rin commented, once she got a nice glimpse of hir face «You got in another fight with your professors».

«Yeah, always about the same stuff».

Rin didn’t take a lot of care of herself when she went to attend lessons, but she still shone with soft beams of her cute beauty, showing itself under her skin. Was Yuugo really to blame, if se had fallen head over heels for her since they were little kids? She was already beautiful in what everyone would have thought it was a shabby way to present oneself to university, in a way that made Yuugo want to take her hands and never let them go.

Her usual beauty, however, seemed a bit tarnished, as if there was a shadow inside her brown eyes. «Hey, is something wrong?» se asked.

«Why do you ask?».

«Dunno, you seem pretty sad today, maybe melancholic».

«I’m not melancholic...» she murmured, but after a long sigh, she said «I am, a bit. He broke up with me...».

«Oh, dear… I thought this time it would have worked out». Rin had never had a long relationship, which was something that had always troubled Yuugo: she’s always been a serious girl, who wanted a long, stable relationship with a boy, but somehow all her affairs ended up in nothing but a small amount of regret. Yuugo was jealous, se couldn’t deny it, but se was way past the period of part “DON’T TOUCH MY FRIEND”, part “DON’T TOUCH MY FUTURE GIRLFRIEND” and had learnt to accept that Rin might as well be never interested in hir and see other guys and find the right one in one of them, but every time she was let down, se could only comfort her and hope next time she would finally find her special one. Se would have prefered a thousand times to be her special one, but se would accept whatever would have happened… se wondered if se would ever find hir special one, one that would make hir feel completely loved, and not used as well, but it was something so impossible, Yuugo believed se would never find someone else.

«I was so sure as well, but… it’s all my fault».

«Why would you say that?! It can’t -».

«It is, I know what I did, don’t contradict me».

«Oh… alright». Se bit hir cheeks and clicked hir tongue, and then proposed «You want to cheer up with a warm chocolate?».

«Yeah, why not» she smiled. Yuugo didn’t manage to hide hir cheeks going all red, as it always happened when they were alone together.

«You don’t look like usual as well» she noticed «Has something happened to you as well?».

«No! No, no, don’t worry, I’m just really pissed at the assignment» se lied, all that talking about boyfriends ended up reminding hir of the fact se dumped hir own. Yeah, he had been the first, maybe only? one who would kiss every centimeter of hir skin, worship hir body, but it wasn’t worth it, if it had meant to life in fear. But should se tell about it to Rin? She was already dealing with her break up, there was no way se would put more weight on her shoulders. The only thing she needed was small talk, a nice drink (if it were the right time, se would have definitely taken a beer, despite the fact he needed really little to get tipsy and then drunk - Rin would have been just fine with a fruit juice, usually, she didn’t like the taste of alcohol, but who cared!), maybe a movie together, Rin would have loved that. Maybe Yuugo should have asked her about her band, if she had got something more to do than play the guitar. and write some lyrics like she wanted to. Maybe something useful for her own political beliefs, surely the other girls would have been glad! Maybe not Yuzu? She wasn’t in their same discussion circles. But whatever. As long as Rin was open to hir, whether she was serious or talking about whatever stupid TV show.

Se could hear Rin talk for days and never get tired of it.

«Are you free this weekend? We can go» she asked all of a sudden.

«I’m not sure» Yuugo answered «Pa’ and Ma’ are busy and I gotta take my time after - don’t mind».

«After what?».

«I said don’t mind! It’s nothing important, really! But I’m still not sure about this weekend. But next one is Golden Week, I should be free!».

«Uhm, I’m not free next week, we are probably going on a trip. The girls and I, I mean, it’s been quite some time we’ve been planning something like that».

Yuugo pouted, a bit annoyed. No, se wouldn’t attempt to flirt with Rin, se already tried and failed miserably, se was fine with just spending hir best time with her, but of course, she still had her friends, and she had all the rights to put them before Yuugo. As long as she was happy! Maybe being with her girls would help her more than se could, as far as Rin knew, se was what hir ID said se was, a man. A full-fledged man, without chest and with a penis of human size, not minuscule, and without a vagina, and with the testicles hanging instead of being in the abdomen and not figuring out what hormones they should produce. Yuugo didn’t even know if se was fertile in any way, but it didn’t care a lot, since there were other options se wanted to pursue.

But it wasn’t the right time to think about that. It was time to have fun as much as they could.

  
  


** B ** y huge chance, hir uncle (again, the one that wasn’t hir real uncle, Yuugo didn’t even have real uncles and aunts) had decided to spend the Golden Week in Tokyo, instead of going wherever he should have gone instead, which meant Yuugo could find himself somewhere fun, instead of having to deal with sudden sadness, as it always happened when se kept hirself at home for long times. The usual place they went to was really noisy and full of whoever a gay man would like, either slender and beautiful boys, or manly buff men. Or Yuugo, who could as well be considered one of those slender young boys, as long as nobody touched hir in weird places. If there was a chance, se would merrily make out with someone, or maybe get on hir knees… as long as nobody touched hir. Doing small sexual acts was fine, maybe even useful to forget about hir ex, but there was no way in Hell or Heaven se would have someone unzipping hir pants. And the loud music would help hir get a bit more open, as well as the almost sure bottle of beer se would drink (not that se wasn’t already open).

As usual, hir uncle’s boyfriend wasn’t sure if they should bring a person (pardon, a boy) that age to such a place, it was too noisy and full of dangerous people.

«I started going when I wasn’t even of age, you idiot! And without anyone controlling me, we two  _ met  _ when we were minors drinking illegally».

«But what if something bad happens?».

«Yuugo isn’t frail, se could break your legs if se wanted to».

Se liked hir uncle a ton. After hir parents, who of course knew about hir condition since hir early age and the doctors, he was the first person se confessed to. Being a family friend, a really close one, and one that in a sense was weird as Yuugo, “queer”, although in a different way, it was natural se would confess to him, despite hir fears of being mocked. Hopefully, hir uncle didn’t mock hir, and at first he didn’t understand what se exactly meant, and it was comprehensible, as he didn’t know how it felt to constantly feel disconnected from one’s body, but in Yuugo’s case as if there were still strains keeping hir body and hir self-sense of the body together, but he told hir something extremely important: it was like being on a train, starting from one point and with one goal everyone on it had in common, and there were many stations on the way, and they were in different wagons, but in the end, they were all on the same train and had the same destination.

It kinda was his fault is Yuugo was so determined about activism, yeah, but Yuugo also knew their activism, in whichever form they wanted to achieve it, was the right thing to do. But even they needed a rightful pause with just fun and alcohol, between one discussion and a zine.

Hir uncle’s boyfriend was even more extremist, at times. Yuugo liked the guy, in a sense se considered him as a third dad, after hir actual dad and hir uncle, but there were some moments where he was… stupid. Like asking why did Yuugo look so much like a girl, or why was se so nervous about intimacy, or why was se a “se” and not a “he”. He was an adorable man, a bit like a Santa Claus giving out candies whenever he could, but sometimes he was too stubborn and closed-minded in his ideals to understand things that were out of his sphere. But that didn’t damage the positive sides of him.

«Hey, Yuugo, don’t go around too much, I want you to always be around».

«For fuck’s sake, Shinji, se’s twenty, let hir go whenever se want».

«But -».

«No buts. Do whatever you want, Yuugo».

With a wink, Yuugo greeted them goodbye, and immediately went to the counter and grab his usual beer. Se had the luck of finding an empty seat immediately, and occupied it, between a guy with a leather jacket and a guy with tattoos sticking out from his rolled-up sleeves and a crown of black piercings on his ear shell. «Hi! May I sit here?» se asked in a cheerful voice to the guys with tattoos and piercings, the one that looked sexier, and staring at him better, he was a guy from a band Yuugo reviewed once for the zine (it was a shame they broke up!). Se never had the chance to know them and interview them, but maybe…

He gestured something and said «Sure». Yuugo sat down and called the bartender, a guy se saw so many times thanks to hir uncle, and asked the strongest beer the local got. «I had to take some time for myself, y’know? Sometimes you oughta do that» se explained, looking around and watching all the people having their fun time.

That was when hir heart gulped.

Not him.

Not there.

Se went there to spend some time in peace with strangers, not to feel stalked. Was he stalking hir? Gods, se sure hoped it was just a coincidence (it was a famous gay bar, after all… although he wasn’t gay, he wasn’t even bi, he was beyond that, and that had been Yuugo’s luck and misfortune). «I need to go to the bathroom» se said, all of a sudden, dragging the other guy. Not even sure why se did that, maybe in case hir ex noticed hir, se would have someone to excuse hirself with, and a handsome excuse he couldn’t deny.

«I can’t believe he’s still following me» se accidentally uttered.

«Creepy ex?».

«Yeah, really creepy!». It was a relief that guy se met by chance immediately understood hir intentions! And perhaps it was the alcohol, but Yuugo couldn’t help but notice he smelt nice. It had hints of natural musk, as all men did, heck even se did, but it wasn’t deep and nauseating, it was fresh, even in a place like that bar’s bathrooms where it was a miracle the stain of piss didn’t reign, unlike the smell of freshly produced bodily fluids, not exactly the sexiest stuff around, and that smell he gave out was not only charming, but also relazing, as if it told that just like it was nice, its owner’s personality was. It was like Yuugo could trust him, at least enough for a quickie, but maybe even more… or maybe, it was just the beer. But that was a good beer, it couldn’t lie.

«Hey, can I touch your face?» se asked out of the blue. It was something se had always liked to do, stroke people’s faces. Se knew it was extremely rude, but se loved the touch of a freshly cleaned face, or of a face needing a shave, or faces in general. Faces were extremely important, and as long as Yuugo asked first, it was perfectly fine to brush them.

«Why?».

«Because your face looks nice!». His face however didn’t feel completely nice under the fingers, it was icky and a bit scruffy, probably in that annoying moment between having a perfectly shaved beard and a beard long enough to be shaved, but under it se could feel a cool skin that only remarked that feeling of trust. In a matter of seconds, that guy, Yuuto, kissed hir, and even his taste, even if tainted by bitter beer, was welcoming, even if it clearly betrayed his ideas of something a bit more bold.

When his cold hand brushed under hir jeans, however, Yuugo jerked out. That spot of skin was already sensitive on its own, but Yuug understandably was even more sensitive, and pushed him away. «Sorry, it’s that touching me makes me really nervous» se simply said, hoping the other would ask more about why would “he” wouldn’t want to be touched. There was no way se would tell “I’ve got ambiguous genitalia” as if se was talking about a funny shaped birthmark, and whatever excuse se would put up would mostly likely be exaggerated and vaguely offensive to people who had the misfortune to experience those stuff.

He didn’t ask anything more. He just dragged hir in a stall, but without any unnecessary force, more like an invitation, and with already some of the drunkenness affecting hir actions (but not that much), se unzipped his jeans, tight and bulging.

A trail of deep jealousy arose over Yuugo’s spine. He looked not that different from hir, aesthetically speaking, they even had a very similar face, but Yuuto had everything in place, where it should be, and se didn’t. It was something that shook something deep in hir being: envy. Se was envious that he could show his dick so easily and se couldn’t, or that his could be called a dick and hirs not. It was not fair that se would be so different, to the point of fearing touch, but one like Yuuto would have no problems getting sucked off by a stranger. What would se have given, to be sure of hirself as him, letting hir erection stand proud, or just be truly proud of hir body!

For the moment, se’d rather drown those thoughts in alcohol and awfully tasting semen, that reminded hir of how hir ex tasted, terribly bitter and thick, as if it was burnt and polluted. Yuugo started to wonder why the frick did people smoke anyway, it made one’s mouth taste horribly without a proper wash and burnt the lungs to the core, it wasn’t fun at all. Drinking was much better, getting tipsy was a sure way to have fun, but smoking wasn’t fun at all (and more expensive as well), although se couldn’t stand alcohol and getting tipsy meant being almost unable to stand up and speak properly, even tho hir mind still followed a trail of thoughts that made sense, even if that train ended into the desire of putting something good-tasting under hir teeth, maybe a bowl of udon. In the end, se munched some snacks hiding in Yuuto’s house, where he brought hir to get over hir hangover, waking up hir night date and his half-naked housemate wearing only briefs multiple times, and waking up hirself rather early with the forehead pulsating a bit, but not painfully, after all se needed really a lot of booze to get truly drunk.

«Pans have always been here» se mumbled «why did Ma’ change their place? … oh, right». Making a terrible racket, he finally found a pan se could use to make an omelette, or maybe sunny side eggs, if they had eggs, se was craving for some, but hir beloved coffee was nowhere to be found. They had a coffee machine, then where was the coffee?

Yuuto, behind hir, mumbled «It’s next to the electric oven», and Yuugo immediately mindpalmed hirself because in had been right under hir eyes. There were even eggs! Even somewhere when se never was before, se was going to have a decent breakfast; it was a shame hir night date wasn’t going to.

«Is that a binder?».

Yuugo crossed hir arms over hir chest, completely taken by surprise and secretly dying of shame. «It’s just for muscles! I find it comfortable, that’s all» se half-lied. It wasn’t for muscles, of course, no one would believe that, but it truly was comfortable! It wasn’t the first time se slept with the binder on, while aware of the dangers, but sometimes se slept anyway with it on, and that night it just happened to found hirself so hot se had to take off at least hir shirt and stay with the binder… better be found with it rather than without it. Se knew that, it had happened.

Of course, Yuuto didn’t believe it, Yuugo cold read his misbelief in his eyes, but at least he didn’t seem to act particularly bad… he was such a cute guy. He seemed so nice, but could se trust him? After what had happened last time?

«You wanna meet again?» se asked, almost as if hir mouth and his brain didn’t connect.

And he said yes.

Yuugo smiled like the dork se was, up until se arrived home, ignored hir parents’ curious questions, and looked at the ceiling, covered in posters of bands from a time way before hir birth.

  
  


** J ** erking off had been a conquest, back in the day. Realising that a particular type of thoughts, or certain sights of people, made hir body react in the weirdest ways. Hir small organ hanging out would get full of blood and somehow change consistence, becoming hard and impossible to truly hide, even with that ridiculous dimension, and the opening that went deep in hir abdomen, but not that deep, would get warmer and wetter. Discovering se could put a finger inside in had been a huge step, even in normal conditions, but knowing that se could put more than one when se was excited, amplifying that feeling, had been most likely as Columbus realising he had found a new whole continent, that kind of important. There were very few manuals for self-love for regular people, but there was none for one like hir, so it had been a complete jump in the unknown, and it had been a jump se never regretted.

Being touched, however, was something completely different. Se knew how se moved hir fingers, how and where se touched hirself, bit by bit se discovered how hir body really was, but other people didn’t know how se was, except probably hir doctor, but knowing hir body for health issues was different than knowing hir body for sensual pleasure. Yuugo was the kind of person that relied on physicality and displays of affections, but se wasn’t that stupid: hir body was, for most people, the nearest thing to an abomination. One of the bullied se had in middle school had asked hir in what nuclear waste can had se been dropped. Yuugo had dropped hir bully frontal left incisive to the ground. Hugs and kisses were perfectly fine, even small acts like giving oral or masturbating the other were fine, but showing hir body required a huge amount of courage.

The day, or rather the late night spent consuming alcohol, whatever insult to lung health hir boyfriend inhaled, and listening to half the stuff referenced in a certain famous manga, Yuugo found that courage ended up being unforgettable. Yuugo had been shaking, keeping sobs of anxiety in hir chest, as se got naked for the first time in front on someone that wasn’t hir parents, who had seen hir naked when se couldn’t still bath on hir own, or the doctors. Someone that could have become another person to avoid and hate. Even when hir boyfriend had left the cigarette in the ashtray still lit and approached hir, se had tried to hide hir body behind hir arms. But then he had kissed hir, traces hir chest and pinches hir nipples, pressed hir body on the mattress, and then shook hir whole body when he eagerly fingered and stretched hir, making way for his penis. Yuugo had cried, it was a sensation too new, even scary, to lose hir virginity, but it felt less painful than expected, in fact it hadn’t been painful at all, only wonderful, with the feeling of being filled and his fingers tightly rubbing hir.

Hir ex’s fingers were really warm, se remembered that, and feeling Yuuto’s fingers to be cold was weird. There had been fear, lots of fear, so much fear Yuugo was left paralysed, but then loosing hir limbs and muscles when Yuuto told hir it was alright, and even let hir top, and everything became nice and se could relax and cover hir skin in kisses not of love, but of gratitude. Yuugo wondered if he understood what se was trying to say, that se was really thankful for letting hir be who se was, or at least most of who se was. Yuugo wondered many things, in all honesty, even when hir mind was supposed to let loose.

Sleeping next to someone like Yuuto was amazing. He wasn’t the type of guy that would express his feelings openly, he was probably a bit annoyed at all the ways Yuugo expressed how se loved him, for example when se took his hand, or gave him a quick kiss on his cheek when nobody was watching, but he was patient and listened to whatever Yuugo decided to throw all of hir words on, let hir play with his hair when they were alone, although he gave a distinct vibe that Yuugo feared.

But no matter how many times se asked him if it was really alright for him to have a datefriend that wasn’t quite like the type of guy he liked, Yuuto always smiled and assured hir that yes, it was alright, he just needed to learn to deal with it.

“ _ You’re becoming paranoid! _ ”  Yuugo told to hirself “ _ I know he’s gay and all, but he hasn’t told a thing against you! He’s so nice, why would you be still scared of him? _ ” . He didn’t even have all that many reasons to be afraid, after all, Yuuto had already demonstrated se had nothing to fear. But there was the way Yuugo loved him not as much as se expected to. Sure, se didn’t have all that experience in romance, but se had always been head over heels for Rin, and se had found hirself helplessly in love with hir ex, the first person who loved hir back (although in a very twisted way - or at least, loved hir body), but there was something that Yuugo couldn’t understand, a sort of suspect. Has se become wary? Probably. But that didn’t stop hir from trying to make him interact with everything and everyone se loved. Although he didn’t play anymore, he still was eager to participate in Yuugo’s mad ideas, like the usual meetings with hir uncle’s discussion group, or help hir out with hir zine.

Or, say, organise a small Halloween party, which was more of an excuse to have fun just the both of them, and maybe Yuuto’s housemate, maybe maybe his housemate’s date. Yuugo had always loved parties, they were the greatest excuse to socialise and drink and make stupid spin-the-bottle games, or just drink, as it probably was going to be. Good enough, Yuugo only needed an excuse to pass the night a different way, and have the perfect excuse to not wear hir binder for a night. Sure, Yuuto’s housemate would probably ask one thing or two, but it was Halloween, seeing a guy with boobs surely wasn’t the weirdest thing to see. In fact, Yuuya simply shrugged and said that the drapes of Yuugo’s costume probably played tricks.

It was all fun and games, until se saw Yuuya’s date.

And Yuugo knew everything was going to Hell.

Se tried to hide out the balcony, but it was useless.

«Yuugo, are you still mad at me?» hir ex whispered, with that smirk that oozed with malice that Yuugo used to love, when se thought it wasn’t all that evil.

«I’m not mad, Yuuri, I’m scared».

«Scared of me?» he chuckled, under the light make-up he was using (not that he needed a lot of it, he was already convincing with his natural lack of skin tones as a vampire. He shifted his purplish eyes away and said «You’re not to blame, after what I did». His fingers hovered hir shoulders, left uncovered by hir costume, making hir shiver, and he chuckled again «Who are you supposed to be, undead Aphroditis?».

«S-something like that» se uttered in a hurry, trying to get in the house again, but Yuuri blocked hir passage.

«We can talk a bit, just the two of us».

«I’ve got nothing to talk with you».

«Aren’t you curious about how we ended up under the same roof?».

«No».

Yuuri ignored his answer - of course he did - and explained «You know that club you used to bring me to?».

«I said I’m not interested».

«I went there some time after you ditched me, and flirted a bit with Sakaki… he’s less curious than you used to be, but he’s really fun, once you hit his right spots».

«You’re creeping me out».

Yuuri again shifted his eyes. «Sorry, I smoked a bit before coming here» he said «And I’m just letting my thoughts flow».

«You still smoke that crap?» Yuugo twisted hir mouth in disgust «It’s rotting your brain, I swear to the Gods».

«I do whatever I want, Yuugo» he said, and just to hammer down the concept, he took a cigarette from the packet he held inside his trousers and lit it, poofing the first smoke of death right on Yuugo’s face. Se tried to enter again the house, but Yuuri clenched hir wrist and dragged hir back, slammed hir against the wall.

«Does Sakaki now you’re this huge a piece of shit?» se reacted, hiding hir fears of anything that resembled one of Yuuri’s ugly ideas, and his eyes - his hauntingly beautiful eyes - betrayed exactly that, projects that would scare most people without any kinks, and probably some people with kinks anyway.

«I’m doing my best not to mistreat anyone, let alone him».

«You’re mistreating me right now, fuckhead, let me go!».

Yuuri lifted his arm  «You can go as you please, I’m not going to stop you».

Se didn’t thank him or anything, se just escaped and went next to the fridge to grab a can of beer and gulp it in one go, and immediately regretting the alcoholic cold kick messing with hir brain. Not in a million years se had imagined to see hir ex anywhere, anyhow, and not in the excuse of a party se had put effort in it just to be comfortable. Se found hirself shaking next to the appliance, trying to ignore everything that was running in hir head, memories of hands touching even when se would have said no stop it, careless acts of violence mixed with genuine interest. Yuuri used to really care about hir, but his obsession with anything physical had driven many people away, Yuugo especially.

«You alright?» Yuuya hiccuped, as he approached hir. Yuugo hoped the subtle stink of luxury whisky and marijuana was something that se was feeling since Yuuri breathed the smoke on hir face, or something that Yuuya had since Yuuri and he had been in the same house, and not because Yuuya had been fully gone in that downward spiral, like se almost ended up in. He looked more stable and nicer, not like Yuuri, it would have been terrible to find out he was in the end one and the same.

«Yeah, I’m just a bit down, but it’s alright» se lied.

«I know, Yuuri - I mean, Tamaki can be scary, and he’s weird… but you know, once you learn to deal with his ideas, he’s really great». He lit a cigarette of his - why the heck did everyone smoke?! - and then sighed «Well, things aren’t going ok, he’s creeping me out».

«Then leave him, before he does anything bad to you».

«Yeah. I dunno, it’s a sensation I have… but he’s not that bad».

Yuugo snorted, amused and irritated. «I’m getting another beer, or maybe three» se grunted, and hid hirself out the balcony again. It was supposed to be a fun moment to get drunk altogether, se wasn’t supposed to get drunk alone, in the cold, avoiding human contact because that contact implied terrible stuff.

Se didn’t allow hirself to cry, however. Se had gotten stronger, se could be afraid, but not sad. Why would se be sad for someone like Yuuri, after all, he was deeply messes up, he didn’t care about anyone, he cared only about his own pleasure, regardless of how much he hurt others or himself. He just didn’t care, and it was something that Yuugo ended up fearing: Yuuri never got his ass to anything Yuugo deemed important, unless it was something that would assure him something pleasant and possibly decadent. Not that, however, Yuuri was completely rotten, there had been times when Yuuri seemed to truly care, or times when his habit of not caring wasn’t linked to simple egoism, but to some kind of apathy he had inside, something that had kept Yuugo next to him. Maybe it had been hir attitude of wanting to save everyone, that kept hir next to him for so long, or maybe se had just been stupid enough to believe Yuuri needed him as much as se needed him in hir life. Although, in the end, se really didn’t need him, did se? Of course se didn’t need a person like him.

The cold was getting unbearable, and se needed some more alcohol to top what se already had drunk, but before se could get in, of course that would have happened when  _ he  _ was around, Yuuri offered him one.

«Don’t go inside» he warned hir «Your boyfriend is making out with my boyfriend».

«What».

«I’ve never seen someone get this drunk, it’s a miracle they’re not messing it all up».

Yuugo immediately turned to see Yuuto and Yuuya and yes, they were making out messily on the floor, and by all means they were enjoying it. The first reaction Yuugo had was bewilderment, straight up confusion, trying to understand first what was happening, and second why was it happening. Then, anger came.

«What the fuck have you done to them?!» se shouted, attempting to punch Yuuri, but he blocked hir fist and quietly answered «I’ve done nothing».

«Liar! What do you want to do with us?!».

«An orgy».

Yuugo found hirself nauseated. «You’re sick».

«However, I told them absolutely nothing, trust me».

«I don’t believe you, I’m gonna check».

As se stormed inside the house, the other two abruptly stopped kissing, and Yuuya’s eyes seemed extremely ashamed, even sorry, behind the red patina of way too much drug. But Yuuto’s weren’t sorry, not even a trace of guilt.

«What… why...» se stuttered. Yuuya held his head tight, muttering «Fuck… sorry...», yet Yuuto looked as if he meant all of that and had no intentions to apologise. Yuugo felt the world crumble, time freeze, and it was like a nicely hole was cut where hir stomach should have been.«Because I like  _ dicks _ ».

«I thought you liked me anyway!» se merely replied. Se had the suspect Yuuto was just bearing with hir, but se would never think Yuuto would make out with someone else right behind hir back, with just the help of some beers.

«Listen, that thing you have down there… I don’t know how to deal with it, it confuses me)» he continued, with Yuuya still trying to recollect his thoughts behind him and not minding them, and Yuuri… who the fuck cared about him, honestly, he probably had hidden somewhere else and let Yuugo alone to deal with hir soon ex-boyfriend.

«That freaky thing I have down there is what I am! What do you expect me to do, then?».

«I don’t fucking know, it’s your body, whatever you do with it, cut it, sew it, it’s your business, but you can’t expect me to deal with that as if it were normal!».

Something clicked deep inside Yuugo, something that se hoped never to experience again, and se desperately looked around for anything that could stop that nightmare. It was a nightmare, it had to be one.

«Why did you lie to me all this time? We fucked, together, you know what I can do! Was it good until you wanted to, uh?».

Yuuto shut himself, as if he couldn’t find a proper reply.

The alcohol was starting to pulsate in Yuugo’s brain, making hir lose patience. «Or was I never good enough, did you want a bigger cock? Then go for it! Nobody forced you to fuck me! If you wanted me, then why are you telling me all this mean stuff now?!». Se didn’t care if hir shouts hurt hir or Yuuto, or even Yuuya, se didn’t care about hir own headache growing, se only cared about trying to understand, but really, what was to understand? Yuuto had used hir as long as he could.

Se had trusted him, and that was how he was paying hir back? The only thing that could worsen everything was -

«Did you really believe one like him could have really liked you?» Yuuri murmured, tracing the line of hir spine with his hand. In any other case, se would have pushed him away, probably punched or kicked him, but right then, between the binge and the shock, knowing someone still didn’t think se was a disgusting freak, even someone as Yuuri, was a blessing. Se turned around and hid hir face in Yuuri’s costume, and wished se could find the courage to sob in front of everyone.

«Hey, Yuugo...» Yuuto still dared to say, only then with something that sounded like an apologetic tone of voice.

«Don’t call me Yuugo».

Even Yuuri’s arms were a safe haven. Even his cold lips.

«Yuugo, I’m sorry...».

Whatever Yuuto was saying, entered one ear and exited straight from the other. Yuugo felt sick, terribly sick, as se let hir subconscious work for hir whole body, in some kind of attempt to turn Yuuto jealous, try to believe he wasn’t really thinking that, that he had something else going around in his mind and only found a way to express it in those horrible words, but who was se kidding? Yuuto had lied to hir all that time, clearly, obviously, that suspect se always had was right.

But as Yuuri’s hands caressed hir back, another couple of hands grabbed hir arms. The same callous hands Yuuto had. With a voice cracked by something that sounded more and more like worry, he was begging hir to forgive him, he didn’t mean any of that, while he covered hir shoulders in kisses, much like se did the first time they had sex. Was he mocking hir? Did he want to twist the knife further?

Nothing made sense, anymore, whatever it took to forget that night was more than welcome, but no, everything just went straight to Hell before anyone realised,all too intoxicated to fully understand what they were doing, or why they were doing it. Jealousy? Pleasure? Who knew. Whom were they touching? Did they want to do that? Did they want to not cae who they were stroking, whose fingers were inside which hole? They were too stunned to care, too desensitised. Well, surely Yuuri didn’t care at all, after all it was his idea, and it was working exactly right like he wanted, smirking constantly as he let his boyfriend drown his drunken and drugged head between Yuugo’s legs - or was it Yuuto the one with his head locked between hir legs?

How did everything went to Hell in such a short time? Yuuto was clearly too drunk to think clearly, Yuuri was under the effect of his drugs, Yuuya was probably just as badly capable of logical thought, and not even Yuugo was clearly thinking straight, arriving to a point hir drunkenness made hir want all of that, who cared if it was wrong,  who cared if the day after se was going to regret everything and find hirself alone and emotionally destroyed as soon as se would wake up in the worst state possible for hir mind.

It didn’t matter how much se would have liked the attentions while drunk, it was something that would have scarred all of them. Except maybe that bastard Yuuri.

It didn’t matter how much the morning after Yuuto tried to explain himself and told hir that he was so much sorry, that his drunk self spewed horrendous bullshit that he didn’t really think, he didn’t know how it was terrifying to feel your body as if it wasn’t your own. Maybe he was feeling something similar, since in a sense (the thought was downright disgusting) they all abused each other, some feeling of detachment that clawed its way in their skin and made them want to tear off their skin. But for Yuugo, that kind of detachment was the worst thing that could happen.

It wasn’t really cold, the morning after, but Yuugo felt like all the warmth had left hir body, leaving a shell behind that would drag hir ass day after day in a sort of slumber where the only thing keeping hir up was the fact se had a degree to take and a zine to write, but se didn’t want to talk to anyone, avoiding any unnecessary human relation, let alone human contact. Hir own hands freaked hir out, even just the sight of them, let alone their touch on hir skin, it was unbearable, and it only worsened hir already bad need to somehow, anyhow, change hir whole body. Not even Rin could make hir open up about what was troubling hir, and it was something se wanted to take to the grave with hir, no matter what. The stench of alcohol and psychedelic crap still haunted hir, some days less enough to make it through the day, some other times it lingered in such a creepy way se felt like no amount of showers could make hir feel any better and the only thing se could do was to hide in hir room and try to think of anything else.

  
  


** A ** fter a while, at least, se recovered. Not completely, of course, that wasn’t something one could easily recover from, but se did a great job, for someone who had to cope with those kinds of problems all alone, at least se could again act like hir usual cheerful self, although it felt like a cold mask and not something genuinely true, a bit like that humid cold in the wilderness that almost entered one’s bones. It wasn’t always easy to wake up, get ready like se used to, with hir cup of coffee and hir newspaper, and hir groans at hir father’s habits not to take off the dirty gloves when reading it first, but it was definitely better than anything that se experienced. It was amazing how routine helped hir mind through that ordeal.

«Hey, may I enter?» hir father asked. Se nodded and said «Sure, I’m taking a break».

He had always been man of few words and one that always watched his step, so not to make any unnecessary noise, in other words he was the opposite of obnoxious and loud Yuugo, and hir mother wasn’t any different, albeit more used to express her emotions, but not as much as her child. Hir father didn’t like to show his emotions, but nonetheless was emphatic, and lovably patient, and while hir mother was the perfect person to engage in a conversation with, whether a light one or a very enthusiastic one, he was the person Yuugo looked for when se needed an advice. Not always about love, it was hir mother the Dr. Strangelove of the family, but se felt like hir father understood hir better.

He sat on the edge of the bed and gently stroked hir hair. «You’re feeling alright, now?» he asked.

«Yeah, I still feel down, but otherwise I’m doing great!». It wasn’t completely true, and hir tired expression showed it, but se didn’t want to make hir father worry, se had already worried hir parents enough in the last months.

«You still don’t want to tell us what happened?».

«No, I want to deal with it on my own».

«You don’t have to, if you have to close yourself».

«I know, but it’s something I can’t tell anyone».

Hir father didn’t ask anything more. Yuugo knew he wanted to know what terrible thing had happened and most likely punch whoever was the guilty part, but he also respected hir privacy, and if se said se didn’t want to tell something, then he waited until se was ready to spill the beans and not forced hir to talk, either by threat or by nagging questions. Regardless of what Yuugo had to say, he stayed in hir room and watched hir stay on hir mobile, sometimes giggling like an idiot.

«Are you talking to Rin?» he asked. Se simply nodded, answering another message. Hir father again asked «When are you going to ask her on a romantic date?».

«When we’ll find penguins at the North Pole!» se answered «We’ve been friends for too long, how do you think she’s gonna react if I ask her to be my girlfriend?».

«How do  _ you  _ think she will?».

«She’s gonna laugh at me, that’s for sure, it’d be too awkward! And then...». Se sighed heavily, leaving the obvious continuation of hir line of thoughts to hir father.

«You still have to try asking her out, you’ll never know for sure».

«I’ve dealt with enough mockery, I don’t want her to turn against me as well». Se digged hir nose in the display and tried to ignore the heavy sigh building in hir chest, but ultimately let it out. «Do you regret adopting me?» se asked.

Hir father’s widened in surprise, but Yuugo expected him to dart them away, not to stare at hir even harder. «Why would you ask that, after all this time?» he questioned, honestly confused, judging from his expression.

«You know, with the way I’m so different from anyone else! I can’t keep myself from needing things like hugs, even if it’s rude, I know it’s rude, but I need to show people that I care about them! And the whole political interests, I know it can be really irritating at times to have such a leftist child around».

«We’re leftists ourselves, that’s not a problem for us».

«And then there’s...» se indicated hir whole body « _ this _ . Even you find it weird!».

Hir father took a deep sigh from his nose and bit his lips. «Do you know how we ended up adopting you?» he then asked.

«… you wanted a kid and you went through the necessary procedures?».

«No, we didn’t have enough money to adopt a baby, we were struggling in poverty. Your mother was finishing her studies as best as she could, and I supported her with what little jobs I could take… I’m not proud of what I did, for our sake».

Hir father had always been elusive about his past, but what little he gave out had been enough to make hir loathe certain types of locals and see those who worked there under a new light.

«When I found you, you were minuscule. You should have seen you, you always cried and asked for attentions, we almost went insomniac because of you, and even more broke, but we couldn’t leave you, no matter what». He just a bit arched his mouth in a smile and said «Did I think you were weird? Of course, you’ve always been a weird kid, in every sense, and you gave us a lot of problems, but you also gave us a lot of satisfaction as parents». Only then, he looked away, to a remote point on the walls of Yuugo’s room covered in everything that interested hir, pieces of newspapers, band posters, drawings from when se was a small child that couldn’t draw, and still couldn’t anyway, and he continued «We most likely would have had a child on our own, but you’ve given us so much, and we can’t see our life without you».

Yuugo smiled with all the thankfulness se could feel, and as usual, se had to play with hir father’s hair to fully express hir happiness, se just couldn’t stop hirself.

«And I changed most of your diapers, it’s not a big deal to me anymore».

«Ew, many thanks for the imagery, Pa’!».

Yuugo was aware se couldn’t play with hir father as if se was still five and light enough to be held and given a piggyback ride, something that se truly missed from times when everything was simpler, when se didn’t vote hirself to any social cause, nor se feared judgement, when hir worst nightmare was having green peppers for lunch, but nonetheless se tried to glomp him and made him fall on his knees in a sea of laughter.

«Are you gonna ask her out, then?».

«I’ll have to think about that».

«You could bring her to Disneyland, and you don’t have to bring things to the next step immediately».

«Yeah, I know! But I don’t want to hear certain things again...».

«I’m sure she’ll understand. And if she insults you, you call your mother to deal with her».

«Oh, come on! I can do this by myself!».

What Yuugo hid was a lot of fear, as se finally had the guts to ask her for a date. A real one, with unforgettable places and perfect food and quite possibly sloppy makeouts, but that was unlikely, Yuugo hirself would probably die of shame before even grabbing her hand.

  
  


« ** A ** re you having fun?» he asked.

«It’s the fourth time you’re asking me!» Rin replied, a bit annoyed «I’ve been keeping count!».

«I-I just want to know if you’re liking this da… date» se babbled, smiling awkwardly and avoiding to look at her too much, fearing all that beauty could have burnt hir to a crisp. She wasn’t simply beautiful, she was mesmerising, she had the gentle perfection of a princess, in that summer dress that highlighted her most wonderful sides of the body in a way Yuugo adored, and with a smile that could bring an enormous joy to whoever saw it. Yuugo, of course, was aware that everybody else saw Rin as a girl as pretty as any other average girl, in an average dress, with average beauty, but that was because nobody knew how truly charming she was, how she acted both as a friend as a mother, sometimes more than Yuugo’s actual mother. She was protective, but also strict, the type of girl that would chastise you and that show you how much love she would give you, and the very fact she was ready to scold you meant she truly cared about your well-being.

«I’m  _ loving  _ it! I’ve always wanted to go to Disneyland, but I never had someone to go with» she answered «Why have we never gone here before?».

«Well, you never asked, and then… this is not a place for two friends to just go and have fun!».

«Why not? I know this is a romantic date, but we could have been here without the romanticism».

She had put so much care in that date, Yuugo could clearly picture her in front of her mirror putting that little makeup she could put without failures (not that she needed anything more! In fact, she needed none of that, se’s seen her without makeup and she was just as beautiful, even with all her small imperfections), and put a thin coat of nail polish, maybe to the tune of some pop song about girl power, even if silly and not realy like the one she believed in. Although she put a lot of effort in finding someone whom she could call “the right one”, but knowing her, the two things weren’t at all in conflict: Yuugo had known at least one of her ex-boyfriends, after all, and he was definitely a guy that suited Rin. Or so everyone thought, but that was another problem.

«You know» se said «I thought you would have rejected me».

«Why?».

«Well, if all these years you’ve never been interested in me, it’s not like a single date can change everything».

«Sure, but it’s not like you only have this date to show off! You’re a special case, I already know you».

«Oh, I see» se startled «Uhm… then, if it goes well, we… date more?».

«We’ve already been dating some time, don’t you think? Just as friend, and not as...» her face was tinted with a delicate tone of pink «… possible lovers».

They were twenty-one, but they were acting like thirteen years old at their first date ever, as if they had never been in a relationship before. It was all too weird, but also comfortable, as Rin said they knew what to expect from the other, and maybe that paradoxically made them a lot more nervous. They’ve been friends since before they could walk, until then, and then they were supposed to before fiancés? How, exactly, with what courage?

«I’d like some cotton candy» she said «One of those giant candy floss on a stick, all shaped like a flower».

«Gosh, we’ve still got to eat...».

«Oh, true, then lunch first, then the cotton candy».

«We could have lunch with the cotton candy! And maybe caramelised apples! I haven’t eaten them in ages...».

«Hell no, first we’re eating a proper lunch, and only after that we’re getting sweets».

«Oh, come on! It’s a special occasion, just for today!».

«When I say no, it’s no». She grabbed hir by the wrist and dragged him with her searching for a restaurant, and only after filling their bellies they could look for anything that satisfied their gluttony. Rin ended up with pieces of red caramel sticking to the corners of her mouth, slowly melting the sugar with her own warmth, and Yuugo with a stick so full of candy floss it was a challenge to hold, let alone finish. At the end of the day, all that sugar nauseated them and gave them a little high, nothing comparable to an actual drug but still enough to turn them more euphoric than they already were.

On the train home, Rin held Yuugo’s hand, but not as usual in a friendly way, or in an angry way, but in the way Yuugo both had dreaded and yearned for, with her fingers brushing hir palm and reaching hir fingers, barely tangling, but that barely was enough to make Yuugo scream internally and feel hir face on fire. They didn’t talk on the way home, preferring enjoying the view of the sunset shining red and orange behind the dark roofs of the Tokyo outskirts, something really trivial that they saw every time they came back from lessons, and that had never held any special meaning until that moment. Yuugo had the feeling that for the first time in hir life se was truly close to the person se had the luck to call best friend; se wondered if Rin felt the same way about hir.

The, out of nowhere, she drew herself closer and her lips met hirs. She had a soft scent and taste of green apple from her lip gloss, a taste Yuugo wasn’t particularly fond of, but when Rin had it, it was almost transcendental, wonderful, in a sense it was exactly like Rin was supposed to taste: sweet, but also a bit sour, and even subtly unripe, perfectly representing what Rin was, a girl with an innocent and simple  look but with many secret and unexpected sides and who still had to fully grow in the person she deserved to be. And regardless of her taste, the very moment she pressed her lips on hirs was when Yuugo felt an explosion of embarrassment, desire, fulfillment, and kind of an actual explosion of hormones attacking hir body, especially hir stomach.

«Is it ok if we go to my house?» she asked, once they parted their mouths.

«W-why would we do that?».

«Do I have to spell it out for you?» she said with a heavy blush tinting her cheeks. Yuugo started to play with her fingers and uttered «Do we have to?».

«No, of course, but since we’re dating...».

«I thought you were against first date sex».

«This is not our first date!».

«Well… it’s our first romantic date, it’s still a first».

«Oh, come on, it’s not like you don’t want to have sex with me, do you?».

«Uuuuuh».

Se would be stupid to lie and say no, se was horny in a way that made hir thank for once se didn’t have a big penis, or even just an average one, but that exactly was the problem.

She sighed and said «We could at least try, since we’re at it, don’t you think?».

Se didn’t feel all that sure about it, but hey, maybe se could use hir usual act of letting the other come before they could realise they were still at hardcore foreplay. It wasn’t fair, she didn’t deserve to be misled, but it was better, for the moment, she didn’t know anything. Maybe, it was better, she’d have to wait.

Her house was really familiar to hir, se’d been there many times, especially during high school, when Yuugo had the most problems with studying, but simultaneously it gave a completely new vibe, like a feeble dimness that suggested that intimacy Yuugo longed for but didn’t have the bravery to face. Se had sat many times on her couch, watching lame TV shows, but it felt like se was sitting on marshmallow, when they sat and looked at each other, fully knowing why they were sitting next to the other.

They exchanged another long kiss, slow and prudent, as each other tested those newfound waters, moving their tongues with a certain shyness that reminded Yuugo of hir first ever kiss. In a sense, that was a first kiss too, with a girl, and a gorgeous one nonetheless, and much to hir surprise, her kisses were so soft and sweet, they seemed like an incredibly stuffed animal… but it could be hir infatuation was playing tricks, and she kissed like everyone else, but who cared, she was kissing hir, holding hir, and very few things could ruin that moment.

Her dress was so light it was like touching fresh air, and it was that easy to lift it up and uncover her body, admire every centimeter of her thin body and what little curves she had on her hips and on her chest, covered by a simple bra with no fancy decorations, just like her underwear. This didn’t let down Yuugo, not even a bit, on the contrary se couldn’t believe how close se was to her, caressing her back as se collected hir courage to grab her ass and kiss her neck so hard, se would leave a red mark on her fair skin.

Her fingers didn’t shake, but they slipped many times, when unbuttoning the shirt se wore for the occasion, and in the haze se didn’t think she would notice hir binder right underneath it, and se froze only when she brushed her hand against the tight fabric; her eyes were however full of curiosity and a bit of confusion, and she asked «Why would you wear this?», in her voice just a lot of surprise.

«I, uhm, well» se muttered, scared at her eventual reaction.

«May I take it off?».

«No. Sorry, I don’t feel I should do this».

«Why? what’s the problem?».

«I’m...» gosh, the words were stuck in hir throat. What were the right words anyway? “I’m different than everybody else”? Or maybe a self-loathing “I know you won’t like the way I am”? Either way, she would answer “Everyone’s different, after all!” or “How do you know I’ll hate you?”, and she would ask again to see hir naked.

«You’re what, Yuugo?».

Se had two options: face the truth, or run away. And the second option only had negative outcomes, while the first, even with all the overthinking about everything that could go wrong, there was a slim chance everything could go the right way, but it was also the hardest path, the one that was a huge leap in the unknown.

«I’m in...».

«Why are you so scared? That’s not like you».

There were tears  flickering on the rim of hir eyelids, se knew it, and se couldn’t help it. Se bit hir lips, reddening them, and only after a deep and long breath in se finally said altogether and quickly «I’m intersex».

Rin stared at him. «What do you mean?».

«I’m not really a boy, that’s what I mean».

Se expected her to take a couple steps back, shocked and vaguely disturbed, and she.. didn’t. She stood there, in front of hir, her hand still on hir bound chest, and asked «Then, what should we do?».

«What do you mean?».

«If you’re not a boy, then how do you… you know, have sex?».

«You’re not weirded out?».

She rubbed her fingers behind her hair and admitted «Well, it comes off as weird… but you’ve been all weird since you were a kid».

«It really doesn’t bother you?».

«Not really? I’m not sure, should it bother me?».

«You’re straight!».

«And so what? It’s not like I can’t try, at least».

«You… do you mean that?».

Only then, se started to suspect that there was the possibility of Rin liking hir, and if that was the case, since when, and how much, and really enough to go past what she possibly didn’t or couldn’t like?

«I mean that. May I take this off you, then?».

Yuugo nodded, hir stomach all tingling and tangled, and let her take hir clothes off, one by one, starting from the one around hir chest, letting it free, then she was so nervous her fingers kept missing the jeans’ button and giggled «I feel like they’re made of butter...», and Yuugo had to help her.

Se had never been so nervous in hir life, knowing Rin was staring at hir, examining every imperfection on hir skin, and of course, every single way se was completely different than anyone Rin had known. Se shivered when her fingers run on hir stomach and brushed lightly over hir small erection, following its line, and then meeting with hir entrance, and not one time she pulled back. Se moaned a little in surprise when she accidentally, or maybe not that accidentally, pushed the tip of her middle finger inside hir.

«Oh, sorry! Did I hurt you?» she asked, pulling her hand back.

«No, not at all!» se replied, and realised se was tense like the string of a violin. «May I...» se said, pointing at the few clothes she still had on. After a nod, se unhooked her bra and finally saw her small and round bosom, with her nipples quickly going hard and wrinkly, and then lowered her panties, and Yuugo could only stare and wonder how could just a beautiful body could exist. Cautiously, se reached her vagina, softer than se expected to be, and definitely wetter than se wished, and pushed with ease a finger inside her, making her contract her mouth in a small grimace. «Keep going» she murmured, despite her tension.

«You’re alright?».

«Yeah, don’t worry» she nodded, and spread her legs a bit more, letting hir soon use a second finger. Strangely enough, se find her to be less elastic and wide, and really tense. Hir other hand caressed her cheeks and se asked «Are you alright?».

«I’m nervous, just that» she smiled, and caressed hir face, and pushed hir head on her tit.

«That’s not being nervous» Yuugo commented with a chuckle, and opened hir mouth to gently suck her nipple, while hir fingers explored inside her and hir thumb right outside, where her weakest point was, and hearing her whimpers was pretty much like hearing an angel sing.

«Wait, wait» she suddenly stopped hir «I need a minute».

«Did I do something wrong?».

«No, it’s not your fault» she sighed, closing her legs «I don’t even know why I’m so nervous, it’s unfair. Why do all the girls feel at ease and I have to be this tight?».

«Did I hurt you?».

«No, you didn’t… but I had to stop for a moment». She looked away when she said «You aren’t going to penetrate me, are you?».

«I don’t have a condom with me, anyway».

«But you could, right?».

«I’m not sure… I never tried with a girl, I can’t tell, but I guess I can».

Her smile was somehow sad. «Since when have you liked me?».

Se froze «W-why are you asking me now?».

«I just want to know».

«Uh… I’m not sure, since elementary school, I think?».

«But you dated other boys, like me».

«Yeah, you can call them experimenting, understanding how people react. I was, I  _ am _ , really careful about talking about… this» and se pointed at hir body «Even right now, I want to cover myself and run away».

«Why?».

«Do you really blame me? I’m not your type of person, I know that». With a long sigh, se drew a bit closer, but without any weird intentions. Se didn’t know why se was telling all of that to her, and not to, say, hir parents, or someone else beyond hir therapist. it was supposed to be a fun day, not the time for schmaltzy confessions.

«You know, I always wondered if my mother abandoned me when she saw how I was. The one who actually gave birth to me, I mean. Pa’ and Ma’ always say she would have abandoned me anyway, that she was most likely poor, and that she still thought I was worthy of life, since she didn’t throw me in the trash, but put me somewhere safer. I dunno, and I’m not sure I want to know. And you know, right now I feel really good about myself, but there are times when I see myself and not feel good enough. Sometimes, I would trade everything just to be a real man, or a real woman, and some other times...». Se had to stop and collect hir thoughts. Se had been so scared of being judged even by Rin, but right then, trusting her so deeply felt the most natural thing in the world. «When something really bad happens, I just want to take everything off and be nothing, I want to reject everything and be like some kind of doll, completely smooth».

She didn’t react in any way, not astonished, not frightened, and she didn’t comment either. Yuugo looked at her and spied «Does this make any sense to you?».

«Kind of… it’s confusing, that’s for sure».

«I know! But it’s how I am… I’ve always been like this, and if a genie came to me and told me I could have normal junk, I would answer no. I mean, I even don’t like the fact I can’t be more feminine sometimes, and have to look like a boy, and not even that helps sometimes. And I don’t even know if I can have children on my own, I know I have my balls in my abdomen, but… I prefer to having my own children anyway, I’ll just adopt all of them».

Her hand was warm on hir cheeks. «You went through so much, and I didn’t notice, all these years...» she apologised.

«It’s not like I’m the only one hiding problems! I’m sure you’ve got some as well, and you won’t tell me».

«Of course I do. Now I feel obliged to tell you...».

«You don’t have to!».

«Are you sure?».

«Yeah! We’ve got a lot of time for that, don’t we?».

Rin nodded and held hir, pressing her knee against hir groin, but clearly not to hurt hir, she didn’t press anything. They kissed again, brushing their hands on each other’s body, exploring everything they could explore (when she squeezed and kissed hir chest, Yuugo could have jumped out of joy), and someone ended up with one’s knee between the other’s legs, messily stroking their private parts. It sounded like a good idea, scissoring wasn’t all that unheard for them (surely not for Rin, with all that deal with her band, the lesbian bassist and her drummer girlfriend), but they didn’t expect it to be so unsexy, and difficult to practice, but most important, to be that funny. It tickled a lot, and many times Rin had to stop and catch her breath and Yuugo hirself had to stop and stop giggling like an idiot (in a sense se was an idiot, a lovable dork, that’s why se laughed like one), before finding a good rhythm that could satisfy both, with hir thigh against her vagina and her knee stroking on hirs and hir short penis that technically shouldn’t be called even “phallus”, but whatever.

It was definitely the strangest orgasm Yuugo had had until then. Not sure about Rin, but judging by her smile she felt the same way. They took their time catching they breath and slowly stop their giggling, until they looked at each other and said together «Pizza and trash movie night?», and giggled again.

«Yeah, pizza and trash movie it is then» Rin said, and stood up to take some new clothes. Yuugo couldn’t be sure if that date meant anything in the journey of hir crush, or in their friendship, se had to wait and see for hirself, but seeing right then how cheerful both were, especially how fine Rin felt and acted fine, filled hir heart with a joy se hadn’t felt in almost a year.

«I’ve found some old short pants and a shirt, is it ok for you?» she asked once she put on her homewear.

«Yeah, as long as it’s comfy!».

Se got dressed while she ordered their meal, she didn’t have to ask since they always took the same stuff. «Hey, Yuugo» she then said «may I ask you a thing?».

«Sure, go ahead».

«Is it ok if I still call myself straight?».

«Hey, don’t ask me! It’s something you feel, I can’t tell you you have to identify as this or that to suit me! If you… well… if you don’t like me physically, I can’t see why not».

«And what if I liked you anyway?».

«You can say that, according to my ID, you’re still straight, if you wanna».

She laughed for a moment «Yeah… sorry, it was a dumb question».

«I don’t think it was dumb!».

Se sat next to her as she browsed on her computer what could they watch, and looked at her, with her makeup a bit messy after the sex and a peculiar expression that could have meant tiredness, but also contentment, and se could have sworn she was shining like a small sun, warm and full of life.

«Hey, another thing, Yuugo».

«What’s that?».

«If you want some clothes, I’ve got some old dresses I don’t wear anymore».

Hir eyes went all wide open «You mean...».

«You said you wanted to be more feminine sometimes, right? You can’t buy them, I understand, so I can help you, even if we won’t have sex again. You could wear them when we’re alone, if you’d like to».

«I...». Se didn’t know what hir brain told hir to do, if cry, laugh, jump around the room, hug her tight, be speechless or start a never ending line of thanks. Se ended up hugging her tight, cutting her breath, as se cried of joy and squeed «Thank you thank you  _ thank you _ !», while mentally se thanked also the Gods and Spirits who had led hir to that path. All that troubles and pain had been definitely paid off with the simple existence of someone like Rin next to hir. Se envied nobody who had the perfect life, because se had much more, a loving family, a purpose in life, the most precious friend one could have, and couldn’t help but feel that, despite everything, se was the richest and luckiest person in the whole world.

 


	4. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's someone mentioned who doesn't even belong to YGO - it's not my fault, I ended up connecting two AUs of tw different franchises. I'm sorry. But also not sorry.

**W** hen Yuuya closed the door, he observed his fingers. They were perfect, pale, like a gothic figure, with the exception of two yellowish spots on the index and the medium he used to hold his cigarettes with. Two spots of burning decay, on a body that screamed perfection.

Yuuri laid down and stared at the empty ceiling, listening to his organism functioning. He heard his heart faintly beating against his eardrums, his intestine even more faintly gurgling, his eyes that couldn’t decide if they should be dry or tearing up. He hadn’t cried in a very long time, he noticed - not that he used to cry a lot anyway, but he couldn’t genuinely remember the last time he shed a tear, of any kind.

He wanted to cry, he cared about Yuuya, but there was a crawling emptiness that had been corroding him for years, like the hot smoke gnawing on his lungs, or the alcohol scraping his liver bit by bit. His limbs felt lighter than they should have felt, his heart was calmer than it should have been, and he felt less broken than he should have been. He did felt like his soul was cracked, but not shattered, as if he didn't care enough to feel that way. And maybe that was it, he didn’t actually care, he hadn’t been caring for a long time, about anything, about the safety of others, or his own, he only cared about his vices.

He realized that was the third time he made such assumptions in a week, and wondered how much had his life gone to shit because of his ego. At least, he still had a decent house, nice music and fine goods to entertain himself with. And sex. And booze. So much, in fact, he could just gulp it all and vomit his soul out, before his body would just stop living and rot in a pool of his own fluids. But that wasn’t the best line of action, of course, he felt he wasn’t yet ready to welcome Death, although he knew he had already walked along quite the path towards it.

At least, he thought to himself, he wasn’t so broken he coughed every five minutes, there was still a lot of time ahead. Maybe he could go around and drown his sorrows, or what seemed to be his sorrows, into martinis and beautiful legs locking his face on someone’s genitals, as he usually did when he had negative thoughts scratching his brain. But instead, he vegetated on the bed, staring emptily at the ceiling, smoking cigarette after cigarette until his own throat gagged the tobacco waste and cried for fresh water.

When he watched himself in the mirror, before getting inside the shower, he didn’t see the handsome man that everyone saw in Tamaki Yuuri, heir of a rich family that ruled part of Japan's economy, who lived in the heart of Tokyo City in a sea of debauchery and sweet bohémien decadence; he only saw a pale face with dry lips and terrible eye bags due to drug assumption and sleep deprivation. He was very aware he was handsome, in fact he had learnt to use his own pretty face and perfect body to seduce anyone and get everything he wanted, just with a well-places caress or a lust-hummed moan, but at the same time, he noticed how his beauty was dry, empty, perhaps even dead. His cheekbones weren’t red, nor his lips were.

He smirked at the mirror, trying to cheer himself up, he was being a petty self-deprecating teenage boy once again, he was supposed to have ended his never-began emo phase ages ago.

He cleaned himself, gave himself a fake glimpse of life in his cheeks with a quick make-up and did what he always did when he needed to cheer himself up: go around Shibuya and Shinjuku and drink as many cocktails as he could, and fuck as many people as his legs managed to stand. The who didn’t matter, whether it was a thirty-year-old woman looking for a younger thrill’s head locked between her legs, or a forty-year-old man hiding his passion for handsome boys to his family and colleagues, or a bored couple searching for a distraction with a leash and a camera, or a confused peer trying to figure out their sexuality ( _do I like boys? do I like girls? - why don’t you go down with me and see for yourself?_ ), kind of like what happened with Yuuya.

Why wasn’t the memory of him as harsh as it was supposed to?

He intoxicated himself with neon lights and unknown liquids, drink after drink, condom after condom, until his body cried for sleep and he headed back home and didn’t sleep as much as he should have. His only relief was that he didn’t have to rely on stronger drugs to go on with another day… yet, at least. He only needed his faithful cups of espresso. And some hash, but that really didn’t count as drug, no matter what it was said, they never tried it, so they couldn’t possibly know. His worst fear was the infamous gateway theory, that his joint would lead him to harder drugs, but it was more probable the gateway wouldn’t be that rolled stick of tobacco and hashish, but some kind of perfectly legal medicinal prescripted by his doctor.

He realized he'd easily forgotten about Yuuya, it took him barely two weeks. He'd took more time and pain to forget Yuugo - he'd felt heartbroken the day se screamed he was completely fucked up in the mind, took all of hir clothes and slammed the door without even saying goodbye. He never managed to forget Sora, or Selena - but they were still friends, he still supported Sora in his depravated shenanigans and he still went out with Selena to eat cake and drink tea and sometimes he even went to see her play with her band, a couple of times even going out of a fake date, when she didn’t have a real one, and try instead to find two girls, one for him and one for her, or a boy and a girl, as long as both got their pleasure. And between them, short and meaningless love stories he could only remember because they existed, even for just a week, and he forgot every single face, and even more one-night stands whose only purpose was to make him cum.

Well, every short story but one. He could never forget _that one relationship_. But just thinking about it made his stomach burn in anger and remorse, and that only meant more drinks, more cigarettes, more everything that was consuming him from the inside.

Three weeks in, and he found himself staring at the ceiling, without the force to even move his elbow and take a cigarette, while a girl showered in his bathroom, getting ready to get home. He hummed a moment when he realized that hey, someone you cared used to shower there, and you haven’t called them to make peace or shed a tear. And then he came back to not caring and vegetating. He only muttered a dry «Bye» back to the girl exiting his house, and he stayed there. It happened sometimes to him to just feel dull, more akin to a rock than a person, and the only thing that managed to take him out of the bed was the meowing of his hungry cats.

Soon enough, the cold of winter began to rise into the wind, even if officially autumn still has its way to go. That was Yuuri’s favourite time of the year, when he had to take off his best clothes, he could see his breath become vapor and warm himself with smoke, although he hated the so called Christmas Spirit, Christmas songs, and the way Christmas was lived, whether it was the Western way, coming back home and celebrating the birth of a so-called Messiah with a family you realized you don’t like, or the Eastern way, going away somewhere with your significant other and pretending Valentine’s Day falls twice a year. The only person he liked spending Christmas was Sora, just because it made him happy with the amount of presents he regularly gave him, almost always special sweets and stuffed animals. Even after breaking up, he kept a particular, if twisted, “love” relationship - not that the actual love relationship they used to have was any less twisted. If anything, it was that specific relationship to make Yuuri realise he was rotten and had a thing for biting, cursing and hitting. They still bit, cursed and hit each other, when they had their “moments”, they called them. However, Sora had been happily and evilly engaged to some punk rocker, what’s-his-name, Kurosaki Shun, and they seemed to have no intention of breaking up any time sooner. Good thing Yuuya came into his life, drinking vodka on the rocks and smoking cheap cigarettes, and let him tie up and be somewhat used.

Yuuya’s memory now only arose a smile on Yuuri’s face.

Autumn was already cold, December had just begun, and the boutiques were already full with “ _Merry Christmas!_ ” adhesives and ugly red and white lights. Yuuri thought that he was surely a show, in his classy winter coat, a deep bordeaux, grimacing at Christmas consumerism with pale lips and perfect nose wrinkled in disgust. He admitted he liked being watched - at least when he took care of himself and felt proud, not when he felt so empty he couldn’t even lift his ass for the bed, who would like to see someone like that?

He entered a crowded pub, looking for some heat and who knew, maybe someone to screw. Maybe he’d be so lucky to start a new story, he felt ready to welcome someone in his bed for more than one night (his cats probably not, tho, they clearly hated the amount of strangers he took into their domain. How Cèzanne and Manet even managed to get along, was one of those mysteries of the world that would never have an answer).

«Brandy, please» he ordered, and the bartender nodded her head once and quickly filled a cup of warm brandy in front of him and smiled. Yuuri made sure he smiled back and made her blush her white cheeks and hide her eyes. It was really a nice Irish-themed pub, and for one the green lights had a meaning beyond the coming of Jesus Claus (he never believed in either; at least Jesus’ existence was historically confirmed, unlike his godly status), and the alcohol wasn’t really expensive and really, really good. The bartender even had the decency to warm the glass, instead of making the abomination of brandy on the rocks like anyone else would have done. Every table had happy and tipsy client, and from one table in particular there was an intense chitchat of different voices, manly, womanly, deep, high, and different accents mixing up over the sound of Gaelic music. The horrid trap they usually played in clubs couldn’t even scrape the mud off that music.

It was actually kind of sad, Yuuri noticed, to drink alone in such a livingly place where nobody came to drink alone, and on Christmas’ time, even if he hated the spirit.

But it only needed one single phrase to ruin his melancholy into something else, more damaging, like fear, closing his stomach. Or rather, not that specific phrase, a very banal «I’ll pay this round!» overheard from the really noisy table, but it was the voice who said that that chilled his spine: a terrible attempt at Japanese from someone with an American accent as thick as a brick.

The only times he heard _that_ voice was in his worst dreams, the ones that left him paralysed when he opened his eyes and couldn’t move his limbs.

And then he heard the voice asking «Sorry, sorry!» sometimes in that pathetic Japamerican, other times just in plain ol’ English, getting closer. When _he_ arrived at the counter, Yuuri hoped with all his life to be able to hide into the brandy cup and go unnoticed, he couldn’t bear the fear, and disgust, and guilt, and whatever else _he_ provoked into his heart everytime he happened to think of _him_.

«Yes, sorry! Uhm, we’ll be taking another coke, two other Guinnesses...».

“ _Please, don’t notice me, don’t, it’s better for us both_ ”.

«… and then one -».

There was a moment of silence, when Yuuri clearly felt his heart fall somewhere around the pancreas.

«Yuuri?».

He put up his best surprised face.

«Dennis?».

In all those years, Dennis’ face didn’t change much. His eyes were the same cerulean green Yuuri remembered, full of life and chirpy, like a clear pond, his curls still looked like a burning red flame, and his pale rose face was still submerged with tiny freckles over the bridge of his nose, even his thick Mainer accent was there when he tried to put two Japanese words one behind the other. His eyes sparkled with joy, and he dragged the other into a tight hug that sucked off all of the air in Yuuri’s lungs. «Gosh, it’s been so long!» he exclaimed, and Yuuri noticed that despite everything, something changed, after all: his accent was gone, when he spoke in regular English.

«Yeah, so long» Yuuri echoed.

«Hey, why are you drinking alone?!» Dennis said, or rather shouted over the confusion «It’s Christmas time! Come on, join us!».

«I-».

The bartender came to save Yuuri just in time, asking the American «Was there something else to order?».

«Oh, yeah, sorry!» he switched back to his Japamerican, and ordered some other booze Yuuri didn’t pay attention to, and then he turned his head and smirked. Yuuri felt his ears turn hotter, it was downright embarrassing.

«Hey, Yuuri, don’t you think it’s amazing?».

«Mh?» he faked attention over a long sip of brandy.

«Being under the same place and meeting, by accident! It’s like the stars have brought us together!».

Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder why was Dennis so cheerful; he’d thought that the moment their eyes would have met, Dennis would spit on him and recall the horrible way they broke up. Instead, he was happy to see him again, as absolutely nothing had happened. Maybe he was tipsy, or maybe Christmas put him in jolly spirits, but there was no way he was genuinely happy to see him again, was there. Yet, the knot in Yuuri’s stomach seemed to loosen. Or maybe that was the brandy kicking in, and that was all.

A few minutes later, Yuuri’s arm was pulled away, to the table where Dennis and his… friends? Did he really know any of them? were talking loud and drinking, or rather, admired Dennis boosting and narrating stories from his country and life, and despite his laughable Japanese, he really was good as a storyteller. He wasn’t the kid messing with words and unable to get them loud out of his throat, of years in the past, shaking with apprehension the fateful night they both dragged each other into something bigger than anything else they knew. Oh no, he now measured his words, he was obnoxious, theatrical, waving his arms and mimicking without fear using his long digits strapped into leather gloves. Yuuri was mesmerised by his presence, despite the knot still creeping in his chest.

When Yuuri got up to pay his drink, Dennis tapped his forearm and with a large smile assured him «I’ll cover it for you, don’t sweat it!».

«It’s just a glass of brandy, I’ve got enough money for that».

«I know! But consider it a friend’s gift». Yuuri could drown in those clear eyes that darted everywhere, curious like a toddler’s ones, just as beautiful as he remembered them, and the small beauty mark hiding under the trim of this lower eyelashes gave his look an unusual charm. He wasn’t handsome, but he still had something unique, something nobody could ever grasp and have, that made him gleam above everyone else. Yuuri could only examine him with the corner of his eyes, admire his confidence and his spontaneity.

Yuuri shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat once they exited the pub and met with the cold and gloomy air of December, looked for his Black Devil cigarettes and his lighter. Dennis walked next to him, hiding his face under his scarf, the cold pricking his freckled cheeks and turning them red.

Yuuri’s lungs were filled with the hot cancer of tobacco, and he let it out from his nostrils. That was when he finally asked «What brings you here, Macfield?».

«Well, I wanted to visit Japan, of course!» he replied «I wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend, and since he’s Japanese, I thought it was a good idea to come here».

Yuuri looked around and inquired «Then, why are you alone?».

«He didn’t want to come, busy with work and all, but I still wanted to go! And here I am». His flustered smile peeked over the wool.

Yuuri arched his eyebrows «You’ve got a whole lot of money, then? It must’ve costed a lot to come all the way from Maine».

«I don’t live in Maine anymore!» he exclaimed; his eyes had widened, as he clearly had waited the right moment to reveal something extremely important and could barely keep himself from frolicking. «I moved to New York when I finished high school, took serious drama lessons» he explained, and then, in a theatrical way that somehow fit him like a suit, looked around before revealing «I’m gonna debut next June, my first big role in Broadway!».

Despite the ever-pressing anvil in his body, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel happy for him.

When he first met him, Yuuri was fifteen years old, disoriented, dealing still after months with the harsh reality that things were a lot less sure than he expected. He had thought he’d found the right person in Selena, he hadn’t waited to be older to know what sex meant and felt to him, messily losing his virginity with her at the young age of thirteen, but he had been heartbroken when she admitted that she had fell in love with another girl, and that she realised she truly could only fall in love with other women. Doubts had been corroding him until he had arrived in Portland, Maine, for his study trip in America. He could have asked his family for something better, like New York or Los Angeles, of course, but he didn’t.

Dennis’ family had been incredibly nice to Yuuri, but the one who’d been the nicest was Dennis himself, a boy who hid his shyness and awkwardness under his love for theater and music, something that his parents didn’t see favourably. They were scared that the environment of the drama club would twist him, lead him into a dark path made of failures and exploitment, Yuuri remembered something like that from a fight he had overheard the second day. He hadn’t understood what they had meant, at first, but then Dennis had begged him not to tell his parents anything, and then had dragged him with someone else who could drive a car all the way to Broadway and see a musical, lying about going to a friend’s house, and Yuuri had seen Dennis and that guy hold hands and kiss.

Back then, Yuuri thought that Dennis was ugly, but despite the first impression, he had started to feel a warm core in his chest every time he looked at him, sat next to him, when Dennis had explained him with shining eyes and enthusiast heart why there were singing and dancing people on the stage and what had they been singing and dancing, when he had slept the morning after resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder. Every day, the core had grown larger and warmer, dragging him closer to Dennis, fighting against what little time they had.

Yuuri shook his memories back into his subconscious, and kept himself to look at the Dennis walking next to him and motor mouthing about his experience in Broadway, finally living his dream.

«Hey, Yuuri, why don’t we hang out some other time?» Dennis suggested. He had stopped in front of a luxury hotel, the lights casting soft shadows on his features, and Yuuri couldn’t resist anymore to stare at him, his scarf a bit loosened and not hiding his face anymore, and Yuuri could behold his visage, and feel inside himself that soft core in his chest waking up again and brushing against the knot below. The desire of let him use this shoulder as a pillow, to brush his pinkish lips against his own cold, alabaster fingers.

«You feel lonely, here in Tokyo? Without your boyfriend?» Yuuri teased him.

«Yeah, guess it can’t be helped!» Dennis laughed it off «Maybe we can dine together, tomorrow night! You choose the place, after all you know this city better than me!».

Yuuri nodded, hiding all the turbulence inside his heart with a small grin, and answered «Sure, Macfield, I’ll be glad to».

He really attempted to manage his own emotions until he arrived at home, but he couldn’t help but fall again on the bed reigning in his living room and stare once again at the ceiling, but this time not in a comfortably numbing apathy, but in a trembling mix of fear and foretasted lust. With a distracted hum, he petted his oldest cat, a fat Persian that Yuuri named Cézanne in a period when he had played with the idea of having painting as a hobby, and decided finally to call the only person he could ask advice (useful and not fucked up advice, at least).

« _What do you want?_ » Selena grunted over the phone.

«Have I caught you in a dire situation?».

« _Ruri and I broke up, that’s what you caught me in_ ».

«You two broke up again?».

« _Don’t bring that up again, Tamaki_ » she hissed; Yuuri heard a thump, and he let himself imagine Selena falling on her sofa, with messy hair, barely hidden chest and ass under skimpy clothes and dried tears on her cheeks, and still retain her innate grace. If she could have read his mind and know how lewd she appeared when , she could have shoven broken glass down his throat, probably. « _You have anything to tell me, apart from “again”?_ » she sighed and asked.

«I’ve met a guy tonight, and I’ve already got a date with him tomorrow night».

« _If you’ve called me just to tell me what unspeakable things you’re going to do with him and your vibrators, I’ll hang right now; I’m not in the mood_ ».

«No, the fact is he’s already taken».

« _Has this ever stopped you before?_ ».

Yuuri gulped. No, that hadn’t stopped him before, and it wasn’t like the journey home hadn’t given him the time to turn that fuzzy feeling he couldn’t name into twisted desires and projects that he couldn’t definitely give birth to into reality. But there was something that even for someone like him rang simply wrong, at the idea of having Dennis in his arms once again. «I had already slept with him, long time ago» he vaguely explained «and I discovered it’s awkward, to date someone you’ve already attempted to date».

Selena annoyingly sighed « _What big news_ ».

«What should I do? After dinner, at least».

« _Why are you asking ME? You’re going to screw him anyway, aren’t you?_ ».

«That’s the point, should I do that or not?».

« _Of course not! Why would you even ask something like that?_ » her voice got angrier, but not louder. She’s always acted like a grumpy feline, not rawring her fury but making it still palpable with her voice and looks. « _And my opinion won’t matter anyway, it hasn’t been mattering to anyone lately_ ».

Yuuri raised an eyebrow and questioned «Would you like to talk about it?».

« _Would you care?_ ».

«No, but at least it’ll help you vent, you sound like you need it».

Selena stayed silent for a while, but then she replied « _It’s not worth the time, in the end. You would give me horrible advice, in the end_ ».

«Do I?».

« _You would suggest to go to a bar and swing with any couple that has a girl, and as much as I like that, I won’t make me feel better_ ».

«Then, we could go to a strip club and just see the dancers get naked». Yuuri grinned, partly because he could just see Selena get more annoyed and bite her lips to keep herself from cursing against him and look like an angry kitty, and partly because the emotions of the evening were finally flowing in his crotch like they should have done in the first place.

« _Ok... just once, only because Ruri and I have broken and I may need a light distraction_ ».

And then, Yuuri thought, she would have a one-night stand, feel bad, and get back with Ruri, unless she had in the meanwhile found some other guy or gal. At least Selena didn’t feel completely betrayed if Ruri would start a story with someone of another gender, unlike -

He couldn’t really remember that. After all, _he_ hadn’t mentioned that fact since they met once again, could it be _he_ had changed his mind?

«What about next night? Not tomorrow’s, I’ve already have a date».

« _I might as well go alone, I can go wild on my own_ ».

«No, you can’t, you need me».

« _You go too wild, Tamaki_ ».

«And you don’t go wild enough, Tsukino».

In the end, he didn’t get any advice. Well, “don’t fuck the taken guy” was an advice, but he was Tamaki Yuuri, fucking guys was the best thing he could do, next to fucking girls, and at the same level of fucking people who are either both or neither. He really couldn’t give a damn about what genitals one’s had, if they liked them or not, as long as they were pretty and horny like him, and he hoped kinky as well. Usually, they were just horny, and he couldn’t go for a long time without taking his riding crop and hit some ass, and it had been just so convenient to try red leather on a kink virgin like Yuuya… Yuuri wondered if he actually had felt anything for him that wasn’t sexual curiosity, at that point.

  
  


**T** he care he took for himself the following night was ginormous. Yuuri had always been vain, covering his already minuscule imperfections and his eyebags, but that night it was almost ridiculous how much his fingers trembled with the fear of not being handsome enough and not being able to impress Dennis. He could grasp the tension in his muscles, making them lightly ache with anticipation. No amount of deep breaths managed to truly calm his nerves; the impression was more of a young teenager dating for the first time at a cheap diner and a cinema where _How To Train Your Dragon_ was showed, and not of an expert seducer who had booked a table for two in an exclusive and expensive restaurant in Ginza to impress his already known date.

Hopefully, his efforts were more than well rewarded when Dennis’s mouth turned into a perfect “O”. «You didn’t have to!» he commented.

«Why not? You’re my guest, and you deserve the best» Yuuri replied. «Think of it as a gift» he recalled the day before’s words when Dennis paid his drinks.

«You’re spoiling me» Dennis laughed, and sat down all done up and still darting his cerulean eyes all around. Yuuri couldn’t help but notice only one of his hands was enveloped by a leather glove, and he wasn’t sure it that was a fashion statement, but he was damn sure he longed for that leathered hand hitting hard his buttocks.

«Don’t sweat it. You can eat what you want, I’ll cover it all».

«I can pay for my part, come on!».

«You won’t change my mind, Macfield» Yuuri smirked, and he enjoyed the vision of Dennis blushing and avoiding his eyes with a small smile and a short and embarrassed sniffle. Even after many years, deep down he still was the shy and emotional boy he first met in Portland, all closeted and nervous. However, his personality quickly turned like the one at the bar, even if it was quieter, when Dennis asked tons of questions about Yuuri’s life over their bowl and dishes and then lost himself explaining his own life.

«I guess I’m really lucky» he said «to have found such a big role in such a short time. I mean, I don’t think lots of people can say to have debuted on Broadway with a role like Lucheni - he’s pretty much the narrator, I even have to sing a whole song for myself! And it’s even a well-known musical, coming for the first time in English, I’m really really lucky, if you think about it».

«How did you get the role?».

«It’s a bit embarrassing, but I’ve got to thank my boyfriend for that… he’s the screenwriter of the English version».

Yuuri stopped for a moment. «Your boyfriend is a Broadway screenwriter?» he then inquired.

«It was by chance, after all it was the director who chose me… but I think everyone in the crew knows the real reason I got the role, and it’s not like I can deny the screenwriter has some weight in the production’s decisions».

«What you’re saying is, you’ve fucked your way to glory?».

«No!» Dennis’s voice cracked «It was a coincidence! I’d stay with Kirei even if he hadn’t got anything to do with theater, anyway».

«Hey, it’s not a crime, everybody got there like that, didn’t they? Either that, or their parents’ name was already known» Yuuri reassured him. Dennis sighed and picked on his beef bowl, but after some minutes he was back being a cheerful motor mouth too happy to have met someone he knew and to whom he could talk freely.

Yuuri’s voice did a great job covering the earthquake of emotions and nasty projects digging their nails into his organs. The more Dennis spoke, gestured, smiled, the more he wanted to drag him to the bathroom with an excuse, ignore all the morals (which even in standard situations was easy for him) and make out with him, tie him somewhere, find all of his weak points, press them and push him beyond his limits. But he couldn’t, Dennis was taken, and even if he weren’t, that wasn’t the right thing to do to have him, it didn’t work that great last time.

Once they filled their stomachs and Yuuri signed his check and paid («Are you still sure you want to pay it all?» «Even if you were a king, you couldn’t change my mind»), they walked down the most prestigious streets of the center city, apparently oozing with even more white and red jolly lights and jingle bells than the day before. «It’s nice» Dennis commented «it reminds me of home!».

«Your Christmas has a reason, at least...» Yuuri replied.

«Yeah, but it’s not like I believe in God, or anything, but it’s like being a child again… it’s more nostalgia than anything».

Yuuri’s stomach now tightened every time Dennis opened his mouth, or did absolutely anything. In comparison, he felt small, tiny.

«Hey, Yuuri».

«Yes?».

Dennis clicked with his tongue, looked around, and whispered «You know, the hotel I’m staying at is a luxury one».

Yuuri stopped walking. «What are you implying?».

«Many VIPs usually stay there, and there are paparazzi everywhere… why don’t we go somewhere else?».

«I thought you were taken».

«Yyyyeah, but… you know, my boyfriend let me down, I am in Tokyo, I can barely speak Japanese, and then I met you. And you’re pretty much flirting with me».

«I’m not flirting with you».

«You’ve just paid my dinner in a rich ass restaurant!» Dennis laughed «I’m not stupid, Yuuri».

«I don’t realise when I flirt with people, sometimes» Yuuri said as a lame excuse that was somehow true. «If you really want to, there’s always my place» he suggested, and he still felt and acted surprised when Dennis nodded. He wasn’t the type that would stab his loved one right behind his back, unless something big and hurtful happened. But it wasn’t that big of a deal, after all, it wasn’t the first time Yuuri had been an illicit lover for someone, or the one-night stand of disappointed people who had just became single.

There still was the scent of the incense he lit before going out to cover the smell of hashish. With everything that could hurt his cats all over the place, even if they had their special room, it was a miracle that they were still healthy; he knew he was a terrible pet keeper, in that sense. His hairless cat was looking them from across the short hallway leading to the living room, with her ears all tense.

«Don’t worry about the cats» Yuuri quickly told him «they don’t like -».

The cat run all the way and meowed toward Dennis, stroked against his leg, and only then she ran in her room.

«- strangers».

«It’s all wrinkly! Has she got some kind of illness?».

«No, it’s a Sphynx cat, she’s like that».

When he half-closed the door of the cats’ room, Yuuri realised his feeling of discomfort had suddenly increased. Had everyone whom he seduced felt that way? That terrifying sense of punching in their abdomen? That tingle over their backs uncomfortably reminding them of the fact morals existed, emotions existed?

The knot he was feeling again pulled its ends and closed his stomach. Dennis’ hand brushed his shoulders, and then he rested his chin on his head (he was so much taller than Yuuri was…). «I missed you, _lily_ » he softly chuckled.

«I can’t believe you digged out that stupid nickname» Yuuri pouted.

«Why? It’s cute! Remember when I couldn’t pronounce your name, and you joked about not being a lily?» Dennis laughed, and saying that he hugged Yuuri’s chest tight.

The tickle along Yuuri’s spine grew more urgent at the base of his spine. It wasn’t really happening, he would wake up and find himself high, hungover and alone, especially alone, not with _Dennis Macfield_ of all people next to him, hugging him and making him the worst coffee ever known to mankind.

«Macfield» he whispered, lightly brushing his hands - there still was one with the leather glove on, and Yuuri didn’t know if he could take it off or if it would have been better to let it on.

«Oh?».

«What’s the real reason that brought you here?».

Dennis’ leathered hand brushed against Yuuri’s hair. «Does it really matter right now?» he asked, and Yuuri turned to see his cheeks red, and probably hot at the touch. They’ve been pandering, merely delaying the inevitable, their faces were so close, their bodies were so close. Dennis brushed the thumb against Yuuri, and he reacted parting them and gasping, like a virgin at their first intercourse too excited to control themselves.

He was as gentle and beautifully careful as Yuuri recalled. He didn’t force his tongue, nor he pressed himself with the urgency of a horny man, even if he was definitely horny. However, it wasn’t shyness the reason why he was so kind, not anymore: it was something measured, calculated, something that Yuuri would do to make one crave for more, and just to mess with his head, he was finally the one of the receiving end of that kind of kiss. He found himself whimpering, silently begging with his body to have more, even aggressively with his lacquered nails… it didn’t feel right, it wasn’t supposed to be like that; wasn’t he, Yuuri, supposed to seduce Dennis? Since when the contrary happened?

Yuuri lost track of the time they took kissing, and he grew annoyed, when Dennis didn’t give him the pleasure to take the French kiss turn and insisted on the innocent kind of kiss, ignoring the fact both trousers had been clearly swelling and both hearts had been rushing bit by bit, more and more. Yuuri’s nails digged into Dennis’ shirt, pulled him closer, angrily and full of needs.

As they parted, the air felt heavier and warmer; on Yuuri’s lips it could still be perceived the vague wetness of Dennis’ lips. Each other’s eyes gazed into the other’s, attempting to communicate many, too many things, without uttering a word.

Still in silence, Yuuri moved away from Dennis’ gentle grip, walked toward the bed and waited for the other to join him. It took barely seconds for them to kiss again, and this time just like Yuuri wanted, deeply and with a hint of violence, nibbling at their lips, putting out their tongues and touching them, with husky moans, and keeping their hands from tearing off their clothes. How much Yuuri wanted to find himself naked and beaten, fucked without any precaution, and he just couldn’t do that, or hope that Dennis would really be like him. He wasn’t, Yuuri knew it.

Even taking off their clothes turned out to be a slow and teasing act. He took everything too slow, truly just to make Yuuri curse and ask, beg even, to be quicker, but Dennis didn’t react accordingly. He took all the time he wanted to unbutton Yuuri’s shirt, lick his small and dark nipples standing out in his snow white skin, brush them with cold fingers. Run those cold fingers down to Yuuri’s navel, caress the thin trail of hair leading under his zipped jeans, and his uncomfortably kept erection. Yuuri gasped when he felt the cold air, despite the heating system fully working, meeting the skin of his cock, the luscious touch of leather enveloping and mildly pumping the length, the humid of the tip of the tongue silently tasting his drops of clear precum, lightly pressing on his meatus.

«Just suck me already» Yuuri grunted, pushing his hips toward Dennis’ mouth. Instead, Dennis straightened his back and smirked, and licked his lips when he pulled Yuuri’s shoes off, his socks, his jeans, his underwear, and then his shirt off, leaving him naked, caressing his lean body, massaging his limbs. He took off his own shirt, undid his trousers, showed how his training with dance and athletics formed his once frail body into something that bordered on what Yuuri imagined the ideal male body would be: muscles shivering and lightly outlines under the skin, a long and thick erection rising over strong legs that could probably crush your head, if their owner wanted to. Yuuri was shocked to find that Dennis had turned that handsome.

They stared at each other’s body for what felt like the whole rest of time and space, but in reality was barely seconds. Dennis broke the silence and asked «Have you got some lube?».

Yuuri nodded and quickly took the small bottle from his drawers, and a condom as well - it wasn’t like they weren’t heading toward the full experience, none of them was that blind or stupid.

«Lay down».

Dennis’ voice was soft, a charming request, not like Yuuri’s elvish way to order. The result nonetheless was the same: Yuuri lying on the bed with his legs wide and his eyes staring at the ceiling, the squirmy sound of generous drops of lubricant squeezed out, the gasps when Dennis’ fingers - the ones with the leather glove, Yuuri could go crazy at the idea of having a leathered hand inside him, how have he never thought of a kink like that? Just with that, Yuuri’s hands had to fist the sheets - widened his tense hole, and the other fingers rubbed and pressed on Yuuri’s erection, and his mouth and tongue sucked on his balls, in a lustful hunger that made both long for more.

Yuuri moaned and gritted his teeth, again cursing to have more than two digits, however kinky, curling right on his weak spot. He arched his back, moving his hips in the most eloquent way possible; he didn’t care if that meant Dennis’ teeth would accidentally scrape his skin and hurt him, pain had never been a bother, no, on the contrary it had been an incentive.

There was another long silence. Dennis’ erection towered over Yuuri’s, when he rose his head and knelt closer to him, biting down his lips until they reddened, and rolled the condom over his length. It was a good thing that he had condoms of various sizes, mostly of his own size obviously, but it was always better to be careful with his one-night stands… and that habit really came in handy. Dennis’ cock made Yuuri’s dwarf in comparison.

No amount of lube could ever make the first pushes comfortable and painless. Yuuri’s muscles stretched, he let out a low cry, and hissed «Don’t you dare slow down».

«I never intended to» the other grinned. Dennis helped himself fuck his former lover by gripping his hips, so hard the fingers let red marks, until he fit completely in his ass, and left his hips to meet his hands, and move in and out with a newfound mixture of excitement and impatience.

Their hands intertwined, their fingers clasping on the other’s hands, and yet Yuuri felt himself lost. He was in his house, with a familiar man, doing the most natural thing he knew, and for some reason not even he was aware of, the only thing he could think was “Why am I doing this?”. He needed that feeling of love - if one could call it love - and that sensation of skin melting into skin, hearts beating once again in a beautiful and carnal harmony he hadn’t felt for way too long, being so filled and fulfilled the only thing he could do was moan and scream, hoping his obscene thanks would reach gods he didn’t believe in, not just Dennis’ ears but his soul as well, although he didn’t believe in something as stupid as a soul… and he still felt empty. It didn’t matter how his orgasm was total and gripped every inch of his muscles and nerves, there were so many words stuck in his throat, surely more important than any “fuck me” he had been babbling for minutes.

Sperm was dripping onto his stomach, and his legs felt tired, his ass stretched and faintly giving the sensation of dull, heating pain, and an imaginary knot ached just below the stained skin. Dennis rolled on his back and huffed, sweating and then giggling «Oh God, that was. Oh God, it’s been too long since I had such a good fuck!», and completely ignoring Yuuri spacing out with his eyes on the ceiling and his body turn paler. There it was, the void he would sometimes feel taking over him. If only he would understand _what_ it was, ennui, mal de vivre, just plain depression, if only he could just take a knife, open up his head and cut off that core of unmotivated sadness and get back his will to live.

He came back to his senses only when his Sphinx cat sat on his chest, she probably had opened the door, and meowed. He smiled a bit and patted his hairless head. Dennis turned up his nose and said «Your cat’s kinda creepy, y’know?».

«Why would you hurt her, Macfield? You don’t tell ladies such things».

«But she’s got no hair, it’s all wrinkly!».

«You heard him, Manet? He just said you’re old! What a tactless man».

«But she is wrinkly anyway! Are cats like this, when you shave them?».

«She’s not shaved, she’s born like this» he sat up and took the cat as she was that lion club from that one movie «And she’s proud of it, right, Manet?».

She probably didn’t understand what he had just said, but meowed anyway, and then escaped Yuuri’s flable grab and run towards her water bowl.

«Do you mind if I smoke?» Yuuri asked.

«A bit, but go ahead, I need the bathroom anyway».

«Suit yourself» he pointed lazily somewhere behind him, where the bathroom should have been.

The first drag was always the best one, the moment where the just burnt tobacco infected his lungs for too long deprived of their hurtful drug, the euphoria of the smoke spiking his nerves. It wasn’t as good as hashish, at least the spiking his senses part, but regular tobacco did his bargain well, and sometimes was enough, especially when he smoked his faithful Sobranie Cocktail he reserved as post-coitus.

He had almost finished his cigarette, when he noticed Dennis hadn’t come out of the bathroom yet. He didn’t want to get up, he really wanted to decay on his sheets, but he got up nonetheless, and found Dennis knelt in front of the toilet, his head tight between his hands. «Hey, do you need help?» Yuuri said, his flat voice hiding his worry.

«No, don’t worry» he slurred «it’s alright». Dennis got up, snorted loudly and cleaned his nose using the back of his hand, but despite that some white fine particles remained on the edge of his nostrils. Yuuri glanced at the toilet, and he noticed two trails of the same powder running on the toilet tablet. They stared at each other, one with shock and surprise, the other with guilt.

«Yeah, I snort coke» Dennis finally admitted with a defeated and theatrical gesture. Yuuri barely contained a giggle, as he answered «Truly in the showbiz are you, Macfield».

«Don’t joke about it, I hate this habit I got!» he angrily hissed, and sat on the sofa, legs spread and widened eyes; Yuuri couldn’t tell if it that had become his way of showing anger, his way of dealing with the coke high spike, or if he was attempting to convince Yuuri to get on his knees and suck him off.

«Then, why do you have a coke addiction, if you hate it?» Yuuri asked with the last pull of tobacco.

«It was Kirei’s idea». Dennis threw his head back, his fingers suddenly frantic on the soft sofa fabric. «I was trying to get his attentions, it was the fourth date we had… no, the fifth, no the fourth».

«Had you already got him in your pants?».

«Once, and trust me, he blew my mind, and I couldn’t walk straight the following day».

« _Now_ , I’d really like to know him...».

Dennis’s nose wrinkled, with all the freckles following the shallow folds forming. «Get in line, then, you’re not the only one who wants a piece of him» he grunted. He snorted again, cleaning his nostrils again, and continued «Anyway, he brought me to his favourite restaurant, it was the first time he brought me there, I felt honored. You know that he liked Portuguese cooking?».

«How would I know? He’s your boyfriend». Yuuri took another cigarette and sat next to Dennis, crossing his legs, almost showing off the difference in elegance between them, the rich and highly educated Japanese and the once middle-class still uncouth American. «And isn’t he Japanese? How would I know he likes Portuguese?».

«Whatever, whatever. And then, he brings me to a hotel, a really fancy one, and before I could notice, he already rolled a hundred and sniffed a whole rail». He sighed deeply, brought his legs up so that his chin could rest on his knees. «He smiled at me and told me I could take some. I wanted to be clean, but he was so convincing… and I sniffed a whole rail». He sighed again, and started to play with his locks of hair falling on his forehead.

«You started to take drugs to impress your rich boyfriend in Broadway?» Yuuri asked, although he wasn’t expecting an answer, his was a rhetorical question after all. The question that followed, however, was serious: «How’s sex under the effects of cocaine?».

«Don’t try it, it’s not worth it. First, you feel like you’re in Heaven, like you had the best time ever, and then you feel drained and completely empty, and nothing excites you anymore. You’ll have to blow another track, just to get out of the bed». Dennis’ eyes, of the colour of the sea, looked just as he said, empty and apathetic, a motionless lake in a cloudy day. He murmured «This coke I bought here isn’t even pure, it’s like baby powder».

«Yeah, drugs in Japan are terrible» Yuuri commented «Finding something of good quality is almost impossible».

Dennis stared at him, and then grunted «And you want to know the worst thing?».

«What is it?».

«I found him fucking that bitch of the director’s daughter!» he gritted «Why do you think I still went to Japan, a place I can barely orient myself in, without the person I wanted to travel in the first place?».

Yuuri could perceive his anger tremble under the skin, in his veins hiding into his muscles. He could have given up all his heritage, just to get that anger prompted in fists and kicks on his body, get a glimpse of Dennis’ darkest nature - but he wasn’t entitled to it, he needed to accept that not everyone was a kink slut like he was

«At least, I have you» the American slurred. He threw his arms around Yuuri’s waist, and mindlessly started to caress his stomach, rubbing his fingers on Yuuri’s soft pubic hair. «At least for tonight, _lily_ , I’m really glad I can stay with you. The beef was delicious».

Yuuri digged his slender fingers into Dennis’ red hair, and watched his eyelids grow heavier and cover his beautiful irises and pupils, his chest fill itself with air slower but wider. Yuuri’s stomach felt like it would implode.

He took his viola, the only way he knew to express that inner sadness always lingering somewhere around his heart, and gently plucked its strings, even more gently he ran the bow and created low notes, at first disconnected, then united into a mellow melody, maybe with a pinch of something that reminded him of a _Danse Macabre_. Although, everything that he played sounded a bit like a _Danse Macabre_. Dennis kept sleeping, as he sometimes played his instrument, sometimes caressed his head, sometimes threw a glance at his neighbours’ house and smoked as Midge Ure’s version of _The Man Who Sold The World_ played for the third time since September, until he couldn’t stay up anymore and fell asleep in the middle of the night, sitting on his sofa.

The morning after, he found no one around his house, only a paper with quick and messy writing, where Dennis told him that they could see some other time, but he had to go deal with the coke high afterwards anywhere where Yuuri couldn’t see him.

  
  


« **Y** ou did _what_?» Selena glared. Even with the terrible house music pumping, she managed to hear his confession of having ignored her “suggestion”.

«I fucked him. What should I have done? He was up to it as well» Yuuri repeated, making sure absolutely nothing betrayed the fact the bass was amplifying his headache: sleeping while sitting had been a terrible idea for the health of his neck.

«That still isn’t an excuse, you shouldn’t have had sex with him anyway, he’s taken, you said».

«He’s been betrayed, he deserved some pay off».

«No, he didn’t, now they both betrayed and have all the reasons to break up». He sucked through a pink straw what was left of her margarita, her silver nails shining under the blueish lights of the club. She had said she didn’t want to impress anybody, but really, who was she trying to pretend? Yuuri? He wouldn’t have given less damns if she already tried to get under some girl’s skirt, and Ruri wasn’t there to judge her, nobody was there to judge her. Well, maybe judge her hardcore lesbianism, but not her behaviour of finding some delight right after being dumped (again, by the same girl, for the fourth time).

Yuuri felt that mutual betrayal was what ended her last relationship, and that’s why she was so bitter about what had happened between him and Dennis. He regretted not having slapped his ass at least once, or even just pinched his firm buttocks.

«Now I can’t undo what I have already done, I’ll face the consequences when time is due».

«You have never faced consequences for anything you have done, let’s face it; you should have been thrown to jail years ago».

«Yeah, true» he laughed «I deserve some time behind the bars...».

Selena rolled the ice cubes in the glass, before stopping and asking «You aren’t thinking about being screwed in jail, are you?».

«Who do you think I am? Of course I do!».

She sighed and shook her head «You only give me disappointments, each time we meet. I miss the times you would show off your knowledge about existentialism, Pre Raphaelites, and everything you hold dear in your house, instead of just offering fancy drinks, like the Porto you always offer to your lovers».

«Don’t be silly, if I offered everyone my Porto, I’d be without it in a breeze».

«You should also stop this habit you got of screwing everyone with a nice ass; I don’t want to see you end your days with god knows what concoction injected in your veins because you got AIDS or syphilis. At least tonight, will you not screw with all the club?».

Yuuri had stopped paying attention to her to admire the perfect curve hiding under a very short plaid skirt, and a pair of slim legs trapped into net stockings, a mere two meters away from him and his hands. He hadn’t seen those legs and ass in a long time.

«Yuuri, are you listening to me?» Selena grunted.

«Absolutely no, “mum”» Yuuri replied, licking his lips and trying really hard not to grab those buttocks. and just pat on the other’s shoulders. «Long time we don’t see, sweet tooth» he whispered against the boy’s ear, covered in his long cyan hair, a flow of long and soft cotton candy, even smelling like cotton candy.

«’ri!» a large and surprised smile arose on Sora’s flushed cheeks. «I missed you soooo much!» he shouted over the loud music, and threw his arms around Yuuri, cutting his breath. He was thinner than Yuuri remembered, his face especially didn’t show those chubby cheeks he loved to pinch and kiss, and his make-up had gotten a sharp goth turn. Nonetheless, he still had that aura of innocent beauty that hid his true mischievous and rotten nature, what Yuuri truly loved about him.

«Look what I got!» Sora exclaimed, and showed his pink tongue, now crowned with a shining stud. The flesh around it was still a little swollen, a darker shade of pink; Yuuri wondered if it tingled, when he licked his new boyfriend’s dick and played with his piercing over his shaft. Sora smiled, playfully showing his tongue and with his fingers around the edge of his skirt.

«When did you get that?».

«A month ago! It’s been a while since you last contacted me, you meanie».

«I know… it’s been a terrible period, sorry».

Sora patted his head «What happened, ‘ri?».

«Sakaki left me».

«I told you he was going to break your heart, the scum. Have you found someone else?». As he asked, Sora grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the counter; Yuuri was a bit disappointed he wasn’t dragging him to a dark room.

«In a sense… he’s going to leave soon, anyway, he doesn’t live here?».

«Who is he, do I know him?» his spring green eyes shined with childish curiosity. Yuuri’s very not existing yet palpable discomfort knot tightened, when he answered «It’s Macfield».

«Macfield? That piece of trash? How did he find you anyway?».

«We found the two of us in the same bar, it was a coincidence».

«Hmm». Sora curled a lock of hair between his fingers, not even bothering to hide his annoyance.

«How are things with your boyfriend?» Yuuri changed subject, but not by much.

«Oh, they’re going great! He’s the greatest thing in this world, I love him so much, I could hate him just to balance my love for him, I’m so lucky to have him! By the way, he’s probably screwing that really cute guy with red glasses I saw him flirt with some minutes ago! Do you want to check him out?» his little grin was mischievous and Yuuri had to find within him all the forces he could to answer «Sorry, no, maybe another time».

«You’re not fun lately, ‘ri. Has that Sakaki scum drained you of all the kinkiness?».

Yuuri chuckled «Of course not, but I need my time».

«Come on, it will be nice! Shun’s a beast, in bed, you should see my new scars». He licked his lips, his beautifully shiny lips - Yuuri would have betted he had put on that cherry cola lip gloss he adored to kiss off his mouth - with his swollen tongue, and added «He got so kinky and violent, like you have no idea».

«Are you trying to make me peek under your clothes?».

«Maaaaybe?» his little grin clearly showed his intentions, and Yuuri would have loved to have his sweet time with Sora, lift his skirt and spread his cute, round ass… if Selena didn’t come to check he was just drinking and talking.

«Are you two done flirting?» she grunted, giving back her empty glass and asking for a tonic water. Yuuri sighed, asking «Do you really have to babysit me?».

«Yes, I have, you were this near» and he put her index and thumb practically together «from having sex with your crazy ex».

«He’s not crazy, he’s a kindred spirit».

«That’s the worst thing about you» she commented «You’re getting more twisted, this is really consuming you. I’m really worried you’ll end up in something terrible, and I’ll have to mourn you».

«I’m not scared of Death, you know it» he mocked her.

«Would you say that if you really were on the verge of death?».

Yuuri didn’t answer. No, he wasn’t really scared of Death, not if it were to be violent and painful and even ugly, but it was the emotionless inner Death that followed him like a shadow what scared him. He had to drown it in alcohol, light drugs and sexual fluids, exorcise it in excess, and it was working less and less. Selena wouldn’t understand, she had always been equilibrated; sure, she smoked a bit, but less than him, and she drank a cocktail or two, but never to the verge of ethylic coma, only what she needed to get tipsy, and yes, she had put her tongue inside more pussies than they could both count, but still less than how many Yuuri had fucked, and to boot it all she had never tried illegal drugs, unlike her only ex-boyfriend. Thinking about it, Selena had really babysat him, and he couldn’t know just how ugly his life would have gotten, without her to check on him.

She sighed loudly. «Let’s talk about something else, shall we? It’s not the right place to have philosophical discussions of this weight» she uttered.

«Wow, she’s really a party pooper, isn’t she».

«She got dumped, go easy on her».

«Will you not tell the world I broke up recently? I’m already getting guys trying to get a date...».

«Do you know what you two need?» Sora said «A couple shots of Red Headed Slut! You know, imagine they’re your exes, and gulp them down».

Yuuri snorted «Yeah, I might really need them».

«Might as well» Selena followed.

At the end of the night, she had to keep herself walking on a straight line with the help of Yuuri’s shoulders. «I shouldn’t have put on high heels...».

«You never put high heels».

«I know. I was supposed to try them and surprise Ruri, but then I dumped her, for a stupid reason... I feel awful».

«Hey, even if it was a stupid reason, it still is a reason, right?».

Selena hiccuped. Sora and his boyfriend sat on the ground just a couple meters away, Sora merrily smiling and talking, Shun listening to him with an absent, expressionless face. The boy wearing skirts and tights because he found it funny to see people’s reactions, shining under the streetlights as if he were himself a small core of light, couldn’t have been happier, unlike Yuuri, or Selena, or everyone else around him.

«Promise you won’t do anything stupid, Yuuri» Selena said, her voice cracking, but her eyes without signs of tears «At least not more stupid than what you did last night?».

«Hey, I can take care of myself».

«No, you can’t, but I can’t babysit you every day of my life» she sighed «I can’t even check if you do as you promise, I should trust you blindly».

«But I never lied to you, that should suffice».

«True...» she engulfed herself into her red jacket and hid her flushed alcoholic cheeks. She collected herself and added «If I discover you broke and promise and lied to me to cover your ass, I’m going to rip your face off with my teeth».

«Just my face?».

Selena darted him with a homicidal look.

«Alright, alright. I won’t make another move on him, I promise».

«Even if he’s the one making a move on you».

Yuuri took a Black Devil from his half empty packet. «Wanna?» he suggested.

«I’ve quitted smoking months ago» she rejected. Yuuri nagged her a bit, and she answered «No, I don’t want to start again and deal with the whole quitting mess again».

«Don’t tell me you’ve got this little force of will, Selena...».

Selena darted him with a second look full of homicidal intentions, then took the cigarette from his hand. «Just a drag» she uttered, letting him lit the cigarette.

  
  


**H** e couldn’t keep the promise, of course he couldn’t, he never had any intention to keep it, even if his unknown negative emotions tangling his entrails would have strangled him from the inside. He couldn’t have ignored them that easily, without the gagging and the leathered hand moving his hair away from his forehead, or the hisses and moans Dennis let out of his throat every time Yuuri forced his mouth to take more, pressed the tongue and the inner side of the cheeks around the other’s hard shaft. Yuuri’s knees were hurting, but it was comprehensible, after minutes of being on them to bob his head and spying the other’s amusing faces and smirking at them, like they were in a porno.

«Yuuri, wait -» Dennis uttered, accidentally tearing off a hair of two, and then gasped with eyes shut, as Yuuri let his warm release stain his face.

«What’s the matter, Macfield?» he still smirked, lazily rubbing his fingers against the other’s erection covered in saliva, while with his other hand he collected the sperm and drool on his face and licked them off his fingers. Dennis grimaced «Yuck, that’s disgusting!».

«I like that _because_ it’s disgusting» Yuuri replied, grunting when putting himself on his feet again. He didn’t bother to clean his face properly with the tissues lying just in the reach of his hand, however Dennis felt the need to clean himself from Yuuri’s drool and the drops of his own cum trapped in his pubic hair; Yuuri found absolutely fun the fact Dennis’ body had not one hair out of place, not one even on his legs or on his arms, as smooth as a baby’s skin, and his eyebrows carefully, and yet his groin was so hairy and wild, as if it has never been trimmed, not even once. It felt weird and yet comforting, to caress and touch that soft mass.

Yuuri glanced at the series of cocaine strips aligned with care on a small mirror, lying on one of the short bookcases. They weren’t as pure white as he expected, but it could have been a result of impurities, but despite the look, it was luring Yuuri into taking even just a small amount of it in his fingernail and snort it, just to understand the way its fangs could prey on his senses. However, he would rather stick with hashish, mostly because of a certain familiarity he had with the drug, the moment the high hit him had become like the moment he was held between warm, motherly arms, a safe haven in the middle of that mess of sex, drink and apathy; the second and other reason was the safety behind his drugs, he knew and trusted his dealer, his handsome beyond belief neighbour who every morning, may it be summer or winter, smoked a cheap cigarette on the balcony of the apartment he shared with his life partner, naked to all to see barred a white, open shirt. Every single morning. Only in a place like Kabukichou something like that would have happened, and he loved that place for that.

He went out his own balcony and lit his blunt, not keeping a long sigh of relief and a smile when the acrid taste lingered on his tongue. He heard a long sniff from inside his house, and then Dennis joined him and watched the lunch rush unfold below. «Are you ok?» he asked.

«Why would you ask?».

«Have you got blue balls, I mean».

«It’s alright» Yuuri explained «I don’t really mind. I’ll get frustrated, but we can work it out together, right?».

Dennis laughed it off «Oh, come on!», his cheeks flushing «Yeah, I can help you right now, if you want...».

«After lunch, maybe» Yuuri proposed «I want to fill my stomach first, and think over the ways you can help me with...».

The red-headed twisted a lock of his hair. «You aren’t bringing me to a fancy restaurant again, are you?» he asked, his voice and attitude betraying his hopes of being spoiled.

«No, I haven’t booked a table, but these are many nice restaurants around here. We can order anything you want, eat out, take away, take a nice walk and find a love hotel, if you just wish for it».

«Why a love hotel?».

«Don’t you wish to find out how they work?».

«Well, I’ve always been a bit curious, now that you mention it...» Dennis admitted. He laughed again «You know, I’m having so much fun with you! Why haven’t we kept in touch?».

Yuuri’s look and voice grew heavy. «Do I have to remind you...?» he asked.

The weeks he had passed in Maine, next to Dennis, if taken alone, had been probably the best in his life, full of colours and fun, and most important of all, he had found a precious truth about himself, and someone precious to him. He cherished the day he first kissed Dennis, the moment he first touched him, the embarrassed looks they gave one to the other when they looked at each other’s half-done erections and all the differences between them, the tension when Dennis kissed his stomach with trembling lips, the sharp yet wonderful pain when he finally felt completely overwhelmed and dominated, with just the help of some vaseline. He remembered the way his eyes were filled with tears, with all the sensations and emotions filling him, and the way Dennis covered him with attentions, asking him if he was ok and stroking his forehead and cheeks.

Everything had been perfect, despite the terrible attitude Dennis’ parents had against their own middle child; when they were together, alone, with just cotton sheets to cover their bodies and the street lights projecting the stark window shadows in the room, everything else outside couldn’t have mattered less.

They could have truly had been the most beautiful memories he could have had, but then he had his heart broken, felt an abyssal sorrow…

«Oh… that» Dennis whispered «I can’t believe you still remember that...».

«How could I not?» Yuuri uttered «Do you think I could just forget what you had told me?».

«I didn’t remember! After all this time, one can forget some things, even important ones...». Dennis gulped heavily and visibly, in such a way that made Yuuri’s teeth wish they could feast on his neck and mark his Adam’s apple. «Do you still hate me for that…?» he asked.

Yuuri took a deep breath and licked his dry lips. «Deep down, I’ve marked those words, but I don’t hold a grudge against you» he then explained. In a sense, he knew he was insolently lying, otherwise that feeling of probably fear and anger corroding him wouldn’t exist. «Do you still think those things about me?».

«You mean - no, why would I!» Dennis laughed it off «It was ages ago, I don’t mind anymore».

«You really don’t?».

«Yeah, I guess you haven’t magically become as gay as me, have you?».

Yuuri laughed for a moment «Why would I? I love having sex, and I don’t truly care about what someone has or wants to have between their legs».

An icy silence fell. Dennis cleared his throat multiple times, and Yuuri finished his joint, the cold soothing its effects on the psyche, as well as his physical frustration.

«You know» Dennis suddenly startled him «I never bothered to check if, by the slightest chance, I were bisexual». He stopped for a moment, as if to collect his thoughts. «I never had that… compulsory greed of screwing as many people as possible».

Yuuri wished it was just the cocaine messing with Dennis’ thoughts, or the cannabis messing with his own hearing.

«Yeah, I had a lot of boyfriends, and my fair amount of one-night stands, but it was always to find the right one, but he never came. I wonder if he’ll ever come. I thought Kirei could have been the good one, but go figures, I should have expected that from one like him, to stab me in the back with a bitch like the director’s daughter».

«One like _what_ ».

Dennis froze. «You know what I mean, come on, people like him always get around somehow - not that all bisexuals are filthy backstabbers, of course».

«For the love of god, you’ve just said you’ve been over this» Yuuri grunted «You’re bringing up that promiscuity bullshit from the day I left Maine!».

«Oh, come on, I’m talking about him, not about you! It’s not the same thing».

«Then, why did you have to specify you were talking about bisexuals?» Yuuri angrily replied. Dennis smirked «What, do you feel attacked?».

«Yes, I do, because you’re telling me the same shit that broke us, that I was a greedy whore, just because I couldn’t “choose” on which side of the river I should have stayed - I’m happy with swimming in the middle of the ocean, thanks». He knew they were attracting the curious eyes

«Oh, come _on_ » Dennis almost shouted «I’m not talking about that! He betrayed me!».

«That’s not the real problem, is it? It’s because he betrayed you with a woman, is it?».

«It’s because he betrayed me with _that_ woman!» he shouted «You don’t know how she treated me, no, how everyone in the crew treated me! She thinks she owns the whole world, that she has the right to ask us to scrape off the mud off her precious shoes, and the first actor - don’t even get me started about that bitch, I’ve got so much shit from him just the first week of rehearsal, it made me puke. I literally puked out of shame, because he would call me mongrel this, boor that, because of the way I used to talk. I had to take elocution lessons just to take my Mainer accent off, just to not give that son of a bitch another excuse to make me feel miserable».

Yuuri stared at him. There were tears dangerously gripping themselves onto Dennis’ eyelashes, with all the anger he was lashing off. Yet, the anger growing inside Yuuri was bigger than the pity he was feeling. «I don’t care» he hissed «about people mocking you for being the screenwriter’s toyboy, I care about you being as bigoted as the family you hated so much».

«Bigoted? Me?!» Dennis’ voice was cracking, finally, into his original accent «Yeah, if thinking you’re a slut because you clearly have fucked with half of this city means I’m a bigot, then yes, I’m bigoted! Not even I have fucked with so many hotshots in Broadway! Ya know, I’ve seen the shit you keep in your drawers, all the rubbers and toys and all that kinky stuff - ya think yer a porn shop?!».

«The way I have sex shouldn’t be of your concern - especially since I haven’t brought that stuff in. You don’t like it? Fine, I won’t use it with you. Or does the idea of me caning your ass terrify you? Do my habits disgust you?».

«They creep me out, yeah, ya got a problem with that? I wanted to ignore that, but I’ll be honest, people like you make me nauseous, having to hurt people just to get a boner».

«I didn’t hurt you, did I? I haven’t pulled a damn hair off you».

«You still creep me out, you and the idea of you getting laid with hundreds of men and women, it sickens me! And honestly, you can say all you want, but -».

Yuuri didn’t let him finish, instead slapping him hard right through his face with a loud smack. The knot inside him finally loosened completely and oozed all the frustration and rage.

Dennis hadn’t changed. He was still the hypocritical, judgemental prick who broke his heart and called him names, just because he had realised he liked whoever he wanted, without bothering at their genitals, and for some idiotic, unknown reasons, that was too much for poor little Dennis to handle, even if he, not Yuuri, had been the one who had just confessed to have fucked his way to glory.

Still massaging his reddening cheek, Dennis looked away and hissed «You greedy whore».

«At least I do all of that for free and because I like it, I'm not the slut who has sucked cocks and snorted coke just to get a better role in the showbiz, am I?!».

Dennis glared in a way that was not dissimilar to the look of one who wanted to strangle someone else just to shut them up, and from the apartment in front of Yuuri's one of the two neighbours clearly shouted «Buuuuuurn». Someone from inside the neighbour’s house shouted back «You did that for even less!».

«Shut up!».

Dennis glanced at the house in front of them, where Yuuri’s dealer was joyfully smoking his own joint and watching the drama unfolding in front of him, and went inside Yuuri’s house.

«Yeah, you better go away, Macfield».

He never had an answer. His cats meowed surprised, seeing their owner’s “friend” collecting his belongings and leaving in haste and not even that subtle fury, but leaving the small mirror with the cocaine strip right where it was, and then they stroked their heads against his naked and cold feet.

«You’re hungry?» Yuuri asked them, ignoring the still present anger in his nerves. He concentrated on his fat, hairy Cézanne and his small, hairless Manet, turned on the TV on the first vaguely interesting  program, playied his viola, tried his best to keep his mind occupied.

As evening, his phone started to ring, insistently, and the name on the screen was always the same. Yuuri had to turn off his mobile to not read _his_ name all over again, or hear _his_ voice, whether it was warm moans or cold insults, and he needed neither to feel the anger flow away and sadness and guilt replace it into his bones, slowly paralysing him all over again.

His only wish by the time he headed to bed, was to be able to cry and let the tears soothe his emotions, instead of building up and never staining his face and pillow.

  
  


**S** eeing people around him getting more and more festive was already a terrible way to remind him why he hated Christmas’ spirit, but the fact he was by pure coincidence seeing more happily and overly sweet couples getting ready for the big day made him cringe and erode more than ever. Worst of all, he was expecting Selena to still be alone, but a week before December 25th, he found her hand in hand with, not really surprising but still irritating enough, Kurosaki Ruri. Whatever had happened between them, it was already solved as if it never happened. Eve Sora had been nagging him to about what he was going to do for Christmas with his boyfriend, but he had always loved the festive time, even if mostly as an excuse to be covered in presents. Being surrounded by happy people amplified his feelings of inadequacy and loneliness and his need to drown them in more self-destructive behaviour, prompting even more scolding from Selena.

To make things worse, Dennis was still calling him, trying after days to contact him. It was the last thing Yuuri needed, to hear useless words that would drive him insane, and the rings were more and more difficult to ignore, even if rarer, let alone the messages asking him to see each other again. Yuuri barely gave them a glimpse, before deleting them. He wondered if that was how his exes felt, used and lied to, and if they felt that awful and consumed. When he wasn’t around screwing people and obscuring his mind, he spent more and more time lying on the bed, not moving if not to grab some water or rolling on the other side, smoking and letting his mind fall into more obscure thoughts, reading books and listening to his beloved prog rock tracks.

At one point, he had become so desensitized, he mindlessly picked up the phone and didn’t have the force to close the call, the moment he heard Dennis’ voice in a loud sigh of relief. « _Thank God you answered_ » he said « _I was fearing that something terrible had happened to you..._ ».

«You alone are a terrible thing that happened to me».

« _I know, I know… I want to talk to you_ ».

«Why».

« _I have to apologize, and I have to do it in person: it’s easy to pretend to apologize on the phone, but not when you’re apologizing in person_ ».

«Yeah».

« _And I want to do it before I travel back to New York, the day after tomorrow… are you free tonight?_ ».

«You’re going away on 21st?». Why would he care, he thought, in fact, why was he feeling sad Dennis was going away in two days, if that was what he had waited the whole week, being left alone?

« _Yeah, and it would be awful, to not tell you I’m sorry for -_ ». Yuuri could have sweared he heard his voice crack. « _How about 10 PM at the pub we first met?_ ».

«’kay».

« _Uhm… good. See ya_ ».

Yuuri’s wrists felt awfully frail. He felt his whole body frail and unnecessary cold, he couldn’t find the forces to do anything but hower and watch his body drying on the mirror, not even the forces to put what little make-up he would need to cover his bags and ill-like paleness in all his skin and even lips, where small cuts have opened and dried.

Dennis looked genuinely sorry for the state he found Yuuri in. «Have you eaten?» Dennis asked.

«I haven’t eaten anything since...» Yuuri tried to remember the last time he had eaten «… yesterday night, I think».

«Have you really gone insane?! I’ll find some place, you’ve got to eat before you pass out».

«Don’t worry, it’s not the first time it happens».

«But I have to! It’s my fault, I gotta repair somehow» he told him, looking around to find something that resembled a place where to eat.

«It’s alright, I’ll just eat tomorrow morning».

«No, really, I’ll buy you dinner».

Truth was, Yuuri hated the idea of having one like Dennis pay him dinner, even something as ridiculously cheap as a bow of ramen. He generally hated being paid dinner, but he hated the idea more than ever, but he was hungry enough to put his pride aside.

«Alright...».

In the end, they actually settled for a hot bowl of ramen, warming them in a cold corner. Yuuri slowly ate his portion, after having insisted on a normal one and not an extra-large one like Dennis insisted instead. They didn’t talk for a long while after Yuuri finished eating and Dennis paid his pathetic dinner, aimlessly walking through the street of a gelid Tokyo night, while couples were setting their own night ablaze, either at home on in a love hotel, under pink and cream lights.

Dennis stopped. Yuuri hadn’t noticed at first that he wasn’t by his side, but when he did, he didn’t turn back.

«I don’t think those things about you, _lily_ ».

Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat. «Why of all times, you’re calling me like that now?» he questioned, his voice just loud enough to be audible.

«Because I care about you, and I don’t want to ruin things between us again, like I did years ago». Dennis took a step closer and continued «You’re free not to believe me, but please, listen».

Yuuri still didn’t turn around. «You may have ruined them again» he replied.

«I know, I’m sorry, I’ve said a lot of horrible stuff… I’m really past that phase, I swear. I was so angry about my own situation, I started to lash out on the first person I trusted, and my big mouth run on his own».

Yuuri heard another step, and a light and cold breeze touch his cheeks. «You didn’t have to insult the way I lived my life».

«You got to understand, I’ve had many partners, some were great, and others...». He sighed «I grew wary of sadomasochists, since an ex of mine almost scarred my hand. I know, deep down, that the two things aren’t related, but I still make the connection».

«Is that why you always have a glove on?».

«No, I’ve got a scar now, but because I burned myself making pancakes for Kirei» he laughed «We’re both terrible at cooking».

«Does the fact I sleep with women too bother you that much?». Saying those words had been strangely hard, but necessary. Dennis, as Yuuri had already figured out, had to find the right words, probably he was about to lie just to make him happy, gain his trust again. Yuuri had often lied, and had been rightfully rejected when his lies had been exposed, and he wasn’t afraid of doing the same with Dennis; maybe is was going to be the opportunity he needed to finally leave that whole story behind him and live on.

«I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it still does».

Yuuri’s weight in his heart fell heavier.

«Why does it bother you?».

«I blame my family for this, with all their talk about me having to leave the sinful path of homosexuality and find myself a good, home loving girl. They almost made me hate women, and despite my best efforts, I despise them anyway. It’s unfair, they turned my life into Hell, kicked me out of the house with no money when I came out of the closet, I did all I could to leave them behind and forget them, and yet they still haunt me!». Dennis sighed loudly and concluded «I shouldn’t feel this disgusted at the idea of sleeping with someone who might have stuck his dick in a woman’s vagina, just because it’s a vagina we’re talking about».

Yuuri trembled for some emotion he was feeling, and he had never been more unsure of why he was reacting in that way. He wanted to hurt Dennis, but also cuddle him, to walk away with no answer, to cry, to beg him to stay some more. The only thing he did was to stay still and silent.

«I’m so sorry to have hurt you, _lily_. I don’t hate who you are».

Yuuri was hating himself for being weak, an excuse for a young man having his fun time while he could. If he truly had had any strength, he wouldn’t even have answered the phone and agreed to see him again. In fact, he wouldn’t have let the memories haunt him, corrode him, whisper and guide him toward nullifying his conscience bit by bit, let them tear holes of pure, absolute unfeeling. Or maybe, strength had nothing to do with his never answered need for a therapist, and his obstinance to never call one, in fear of founding his cabinet overfilled with meds.

He gulped, when the warm and slightly rough texture of the leather brushed his icy hand. He closed his eyes at the touch of Dennis’ cold nose tickling his neck.

«Please, _lily_ , don’t hate me» he warmed Yuuri’s with his soft whisper.

He wanted to hate him, truly, completely, and yet, the knot once again creeped around and mocked his twisted and sappy line of thought. He wanted to push him away, and instead he took his hand into his own, let warm tears fall on his clothes. Dennis sobbed behind him, at first silently, in a dignified way, but then he erupted into an embarrassing cry, full of sobs and with a runny nose staining Yuuri’s jacket.

Yuuri turned around to watch his face, all red and wet with tears, and took a tissue. «You’re going to get pneumonia» he dried his cheeks and nose.

«Thanks» Dennis sniffed «I was all bottling it up, it’s embarrassing to have bursted in front of everyone».

«There’s almost no one around, Macfield».

Dennis smiled for a moment, and gulped again. «Do you want to stay at my hotel, for tonight?».

«You’re not afraid of paparazzi?».

«It was an excuse to take a look at your house, come on! What paparazzi would be interested in someone like me?».

Dennis’ room had a mixed sensation of both familiarity and uneasy sterility. Its lights were warm, and of course, being a luxury hotel, everything had a sense of cradling the client into a sense of spoiling, but at the same time, that same sense of spoiling was too methodic and clean for Yuuri’s tastes, alien almost. The most beautiful thing was most definitely the tall window that faced the Tokyo streets below, showing myriads of small white and blue streetlights, and faint glows of red and green.

Yuuri expected Dennis to kiss him the moment the door closed, but he instead sat on the bed, threw his shoes away, and lied down. «Have you slept?» he inquired «You’ve got a terrible look».

«It’s just my regular face» Yuuri answered «And I’ve actually overslept these days». He sat next to Dennis, showing his back at him, and looked out of the window, wondering if anyone was, in that metropolitan mess, feeling and experiences things like he did.

«Have I really hurt you that much…?».

«Can we not talk about that, now? You could badmouth about your director, instead».

«Oh, that son of a bitch, he’s got eyes for his precious daughter only, and treats everyone like they were naughty babies». He took the almost empty bag of cocaine and placed it on the night table, and divided it into thin strips using his credit card. «He’s a good director, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes he’s so obnoxious, he makes you wish murder was legal».

«But then he’s not that good, if you want to kill him, right?».

Dennis rolled a banknote into a short tube, snorted the first trail, and answered «Not really, if it weren’t for him, his daughter and the first actor would have killed each other ages ago, and the fact they’re gonna play as Sissi and Death only makes rehearsal more hellish».

«Why?».

Dennis sat up and opened a drawer of the night table «Wait, I think I got the Takarazura version of USB, we’re using it as a model for our version».

As Dennis looked for his USB drive, Yuuri stood up and walked next to him. When Dennis stood up himself and looked into the pockets of his luggage, Yuuri stared intensely at the drug lying on the polished piece of furniture, the note a bit crumpled next to it. Something that had tapped inside his mind since he first saw the cocaine of his WC tablet clicked, and quickly rolled the note back again and sniffed what looked like the shortest strip. Almost immediately, he felt like a kick of energy piercing his brain, and everything grew brighter, even sounds and tactile sensations. After the absence or real stimulus, having such a good perception felt like a blessing.

Dennis quickly yanked him «What are you doing?! Do you want to end up like me?!».

«Do you blame me for looking for a quick escape?» was Yuuri’s answer. What would he know about the fear of wasting his life and not being able to get up and face even the tiniest consequences?

Dennis gulped «This is not okay».

«I’ve never been ok anyway, Macfield» he answered, and it was his time to yank him closer and roughly kiss him, pushing his tongue in his mouth, forcing him to taste the aftertaste of tobacco, grabbing his hair in a fistful. Much to his surprise, Dennis didn’t push him away, on the contrary he took the collar of his jumper and pulled him closer. It was a messy kiss, the type of kiss Yuuri loved the most.

It was a messy intercourse, the way Yuuri adored, full of loud moans, inappropriate licks, desperate requests of sucking dicks, fucking holes, barely remembering to take precautions or helps. Fingers slamming into tight places, hands gripping onto hardnesses, mouths over delicate necks. The cocaine high made everything sharper, more distinct and pleasant, to the point Yuuri could feel his heartbeat not thanks to his own heart, but with the veins of his hard cock pulsing against the skin and against Dennis’ fingers. His orgasm was a white hit right in his nervous system, shaking his whole body, opening his mouth into a liberatory cry.

And then, when the immediate side effects showed up, the muscles giving up the euphoria, they both took another hit, and fucked again, switching roles, with Yuuri’s turn to drive Dennis mad with his able fingers feasting their way in, before his unprotected ejaculation filled the red-headed, sighing and begging to the point of tears.

And then they took what little was left of the drug, licking every little point of white dust off the table, and licking each other, not ever caring about what they were licking, as long as it felt good, before the inevitable letdown and the first shaky signals of abstinence. They ignored them with an infinite trails of kisses, from their noses to their toes, draining their bodies of what little was left of their semen with a last zenit. For Yuuri, it was too much, the sensations from his brain asking for another quick dose before they overturned everything and turned him into the ultimate apathy knight, fighting against the feeling of being alive.

After whole weeks of asking where his tears had been gone, he cried all over his cheeks, down his chin and neck, his temples when he laid on his back.

At one point, there was a voice saying “ _I love you_ ”, but they were too entrapped in that mess to understand who said that, or even in which language. They just knew one of them, or maybe both of them, have said that.

Finally, physical and mental exhaustion got the best of them. It had been way too long since the last time Yuuri had been the little spoon, and to top it off, he was watching the deepest time of the night over Tokyo, with Dennis leaving cute little kissed on his shoulders. «This is the first time I betray someone» he confessed in a whisper.

Yuuri smirked a little and replied «And does this make you feel any worse?».

Dennis cuddled against his back. «Not as much as I expected...» he answered «I feel guilty, but not ridden with it, as I thought».

«Does it make you feel any better, then?».

«Maybe? I’m not sure». Dennis’ fingers run through Yuuri’s hair. «I’m really glad I can be with you, even if just for such little time; with someone else, I would have never betrayed Kirei».

«Do you still love him?».

«Of course I do… I’m really angry, but I deeply care about him, and I don’t want to lose him». He sighed loudly «Now he and I are even, with the betrayal affair» and caressed behind Yuuri’s ear, and then he asked «Do you feel like I used you?».

«A bit, now that you mention it, but it’s alright».

Dennis sighed again, with a weaker voice, and fell silent. The two cuddled, with their fingers getting colder, tickling when they touched sections of still warm skin.

«We can watch _Elisabeth the Musical_ tomorrow afternoon» the American suggested «It must be something after 2 AM now…».

«Mh-mh, sure».

«Hey, _lily_ , will you go watch my debut on the stage, next June? It would be really nice, to have you there».

Yuuri silently caressed Dennis’ arms around his chest, and then answered with a soft smile «I’ll be there, _poppy_ ».

«Oh god, you remembered!» Dennis smiled against his nape. Of all the memories Yuuri had of his journey in Maine, the most vivid was the dusk he saw with Dennis the day they first made love, a breathtaking marvel of red light shining through ever redder petals of the poppy field behind Dennis’ home, a whole afternoon spent watching the sky turn into tenuous shades of violet and blue. It had been the first time Yuuri cried after he had stopped being a baby, and they had been tears of calm, fulfilling joy. He had never cried before that moment, afraid to be mocked and judged, but Dennis hadn’t mocked him, or laughed, instead he had smiled and kissed his wet cheeks, showing him all the love he had felt.

« _Lily_ , I’m really sorry for behaving like a jerk».

«You’ve already apologised, _poppy_ ».

«No, it’s not that. You’re right about me».

Yuuri turned around to face him. «Why would you say that?».

«Well...» Dennis avoided to look into his eyes «Pop and Ma’ have always told me I would end up selling myself for fame, and I always told them that was not the case, that I would do it with my own forces… but then they told me they were right, when I told them about me being gay, they shouted I was gay only to sell myself better for the roles - that, and the obvious “abomination against God” thing that made me lose faith. It was so important to me, I learned to love singing in the church choir, and they ruined it». Over the trim of his eyelashes there were tears waiting to be dropped, and his voice shook «I ignored them, told myself I wasn’t really selling myself, but… you know, they were right, and you were right, _lily_. Of course, I’m not gay just to ease my way to glory, and that primadonna’s right, I’m a simple guy, I like good food, good music and good sex, but at the end, I became what I feared to become… I’m really just a drugged-up whore».

Yuuri caressed his pale red locks of red hair falling on his forehead and stared at his wonderful eyes, shining and crying, until Dennis closed his eyes and fell asleep. He didn’t have the heart to admit he was just like him, a whore full of drugs and excuses, at the end of the day.

The last glimpse Yuuri got before falling asleep was the first little crystals of snow falling behind the window glass.

  
  


**A** thick layer of snow had fallen during the night, covering Tokyo into the most Christmas-like aspect one could imagine. Outside, the cold forced everyone to enclose themselves into clothes over clothes, but Yuuri and Dennis had to work with it only once evening fell, for a last dinner before not seeing each other for months. Their goodbye kiss was nothing like the lustful mess of the night before, it was more akin to a movie kiss, merely touching their lips, but it felt like the whole world stopped spinning just for them. Yuuri knew, deep down, that the kiss marked the end of that absurdly brief relationship: Dennis would confess his betrayal, he and his boyfriend would make peace and get back together, until something big that would break them would come, if it would come. It didn’t really matter, as the shaking and sense of unfulfillment was finally only the results of a stupid decision, and not the real sense of guilt he’d been feeling for a long time. Deep down, instead of sadness creeping under the shell of fake happiness, there was real and genuine happiness creeping down the shell of sadness.

His hands were shaking, his stomach was under the constant threat of vomit, but it didn’t matter, as long as nothing bad happened.

But, with his trembling fingers and nausea, he had to force himself out of the bed anyway. If there was one person with a worst mental health than him, it was Shiun’in Sora. The day they met, Sora was already messing with him, wearing a girl’s school uniform and seducing him, despite the fact he was one year younger than Yuuri and had the most angelic features one could ever have; he was born a deceiver. But his problems were as deep as an abyss, and just as dark and frightening, it was easy to turn his sunny attitude into the epitome of despair, with high-pitched cries and attempts to self-mutilate in gore ways at worst time.

The moment he read “ _i cant live without shun im going to kill myself_ ” over the phone, his first reaction was to get ready. However, his legs felt weak, too weak, and his stomach seemed like it would corrode itself, to the point even what little food he ate would most likely end semi-digested in the toilet, as his mouth feebly trembled like the rest of his body. He cursed the fact he sniffed as much coke as Dennis, who surely had built enough resistance and addiction to cocaine; not only the mere having tried a new drug had been a bad idea, but taking that much had been probably the most dangerous idea he had ever had, and he had his fair share of stupid decisions.

He couldn’t call the hospital for himself, he couldn’t risk being under exams and being found with illegal substances in his blood flow; his parents had threatened him for ages to cut the monthly allowance and force him to look for a job, which in itself wasn’t a bad thing, Yuuri was aware finding a job would have greatly helped him, but he was too spoiled and used to lots and lots of small luxuries to really renounce to all that money and everything that came with it: cocktails to the point of losing taste for a couple hours, books he would probably never read, vinyls of old bands and scores of baroque music that he would play as he wanted anyway. However, against the whole feeling of physical malaise, he managed to get up, get dressed with barely decent clothes and go as quickly as possible to Sora’s place.

He knocked on the door, but nobody answered.

«Shiun’in, are you in there?» he asked, just to make sure, but again, there was no response. He fought the nausea and the fear, and frantically looked for his keys. Among the ones he owned, Sora had given him a copy of his house door’s key, as a memento of their relationship, letting him enter his home anytime he wanted, whether he had a boyfriend or not. They both were aware that, in a sense, their relationship never had a definite ending, there had never been a fight, or anything that could mark a precise moment when they could tell that it was over. They more or lost regular contact, stopped having regular sex like two lovers would do, and went on their own way, but they never stopped meeting, seldom kissing and even having random sex when they felt to, with or without whoever Sora or Yuuri had brought home.

His hands were shaking too much, and it wasn’t all the abstinence crisis’ fault. Opening Sora’s door suddenly had become a strenuous act.

«Sweet tooth, are you alright?» he asked again, his heart slowly plummeting as he saw the mess in front of him, with most of his trinkets smashed on the floor, his beloved stuffed animals ripped and emptied. He had seen the way Sora expressed his worst anger and depression, violently, against others, objects and against himself, and he himself had some scars due to Sora’s nails scratching and his teeth biting, while he screamed and cried all his tears because of the horrible way his family treated him. He had always been in an unusual situation, both spoiled and covered in toys and candies, and despised, loathed, opposed, driven almost to the point of madness; screaming may have been a childish act that only a brat would do to get attentions, but the attentions Sora needed weren’t all that stupid, and it was the only way he knew he could be listened with. But there wasn’t screaming, only the aftermath of his fury.

He found lying on the cold bathroom floor, among the shards of the mirror glass and empty bottles of psychiatric medications, in particular his thorazine, and his hair crudely cut with a pair of scissors lying in the sink. Yuuri had never felt that unsure, when he knelt next to his body and checked a faint, irregular, but still present pulse, despite his fingers twitching and his skin cold at the touch. Yuuri’s mind had become suddenly even more clouded, as he stared at Sora’s body, wondering if that could have really been the moment he would truly see Death in the eyes, through his friend’s spring green eyes, and how messy and sad it was, not like he had expected it… at least, the antiemetic side effect of thorazine had slightly helped to not make the scene more disgusting than necessary. A trail of saliva was drooling from his open mouth.

Yuuri caressed Sora’s cheek, expecting him to wake up, vomit, and solve everything and put it like it was before, but of course, Sora didn’t react. Only then, Yuuri called the emergency number, coming back to his senses, realising he should have called them the moment he received the message, if he would have been a decent person with no drugs to obscure his line of thinking. He stared motionless at the volunteers and doctors checking Sora’s conditions and dragging him to the nearest hospital, ignoring the other young man with trembling hands and traces of coke and hashish in his blood.

It took all of his forces to stand up and look more around the house, wandering like an empty shell, still incapacitated to fully comprehend what had happened, why was he in Sora’s house and why was everything on the floor and teared apart. He wanted to puke, but his stomach was too empty; he wanted to cry, but apparently last night’s cry had voided him of any other tears. He had a burning curiosity to watch the state of his bedroom, but something, probably common sense, stopped him in fear of finding something truly scary, like sheets stained with blood.

The police finally pushed him out, and asked him a couple of questions, but they were too busy with closing the inexistent case and call it a day, cleaning up all the mess. Surely, someone had already contacted Sora’s family and they have called the police to hide everything. Tokyo was a huge city, and yet everything still was known to the richest families in an instant, especially someone as paranoid as Sora’s grandparents, who held their reputation so dear, they completely ignored their grandson’s problems and needs and focused only on how to fix him, before someone could use him against them. They were pretty much the opposite of Yuuri’s parents, and it was no wonder Sora believed Yuuri’s family was more his family than his own.

At late night, he finally decided to check on Sora. The hospital was surely closed to visits, and even if it were open, it was most likely they wouldn’t let him in, but it still was worth the try, and the signed check he would use to corrupt whoever was needed to corrupt.

Sora being sick wasn’t remotely as beautiful as he thought. His hair had been cleaned, but it only made the crude and uneven haircut stand out more, and his face had as well been cleansed from all the tears, drool and mucus, but the machines attached to his body betrayed the ugly state of his body, having to filter what almost killed him; even his expression was tormented in his slumber.

Yuuri brushed a thumb over his pale and thin cheeks. Sora murmured in his sleep and finally opened his eyes.

«I didn’t mean to wake you up, sweet tooth».

«I’ve been sleeping for too long,’ri… what time is it?».

«Past eleven PM».

«How did you -».

«Paid the doctors and nurses to let me in, it’s not a big deal».

Sora looked around the room. «Are they here?».

«No, they’re not».

«I’m sorry you had to watch that mess...». He let out a long sigh and said «Why didn’t you come earlier? Have you abandoned me? Why is everyone leaving me?».

«Do I look like I’ve abandoned you?» Yuuri replied with a gentle smirk, and then explained very vaguely «I’ve had my own problems to deal with».

«I don’t care, you should have come sooner!». Sora sighed again «That Kurosaki scum dumped me».

«You said me that much».

«He used me for my money because his band sucked, and thought I was too much of a weirdo, well thanks genius, why would I have a cabinet full of psychomeds otherwise!» he jerked, almost ripping off the needle of the drip-feed, if Yuuri hadn’t pinned him down in time. He didn’t tell him to calm down, he knew it would only worsen the situation, instead waiting for Sora to just calm down with small sobs.

«It’s unfair» he sighed again «I loved him with all my heart, I did my best to act properly… sure, I often convinced him to satisfy my sudden weird ideas, but it wasn’t like he said “no”, I told him he could say “no”!».

«Would you have taken it well?».

«Of course!» Sora reacted vehemently, but then calmed himself and added «Well, he did it, but something I would throw a fit and scare him…». His sighs were really frequent. «Why does nobody like the way we are?» he asked. «I miss the old days, with just the two of us doing whatever we wanted, and nobody to judge us!». It wasn’t true, they had been constantly judged, but Yuuri wasn’t in the position nor the state to make Sora notice that. «I really loved him, I would have given him the whole world, and he beared with me only because he had no money and I had too much, and then tossed me away like a broken doll when he thought “oh, I used to be a rebel, I shouldn’t lower myself for money”, or whatever excuse he put up. He enjoyed it while he could anyway, the scum».

In all honesty, Yuuri and pretty much everyone had foreseen such an ending for Sora’s and Shun’s relationship. Sure, Shun had his own little perversions (who would have thought one like him, with his background, liked to know someone was watching him and enjoying the show?), but they were dim lights, compared to the whole mess of sin Sora was used to, and their personalities clashed too harshly and too much. It was a miracle they kept up for a whole year. It was safe to claim the only one who didn’t expect Shun to turn his back on Sora, was Sora himself.

«I should stop thinking about him, it’s making me angry again».

«Then go to sleep».

«I don’t want to, I’ve slept non-stop since this morning».

«Then, we should talk about anything else».

«Yeah...». They both fell silent, despite what Yuuri had just suggested, and he feared Sora would soon burst again.

Suddenly, Sora’s voice turned more cheerful, as he turned his head toward Yuuri.«Hey, ‘ri, remember when you dragged me to Venice?».

«To be fair, you were the one nagging people about how much you wanted to see Venice’s Carnival» Yuuri answered «In a sense, you were the one who dragged me there».

«Yeah, I did, didn’t I».

Yuuri didn’t know if he was allowed to giggle at that sudden question, but he giggled anyway.

How could he not remember? It was the only time he ever got in a serious fight with his family; they had never cared whom their son was bringing in his bed, and they had been considering Sora as a second son for a very long time, since he started to sleep under their roof more times than under his real family’s roof, and Yuuri had been absolutely sure they were aware of why he and Sora were so close. Despite all of that, however, they went mad with rage when Yuuri told them he was going to collect the money gift for his eighteenth birthday not for himself, but for Sora’s birthday, the following February.

He never understood why, they had let him travel alone in the US when he was fifteen, but somehow travelling with his boyfriend in Italy once they both turned eighteen was an awful idea. Had they been scared they were going to lose their virginities? Of course not, only a complete dumbass would have thought they still were virgins; neither Yuuri nor Sora had tried to muffle their moans, even with people right on the other side of the door. It had been three years, and Yuuri still couldn’t grasp the reasons behind his parents’ rage. He nonetheless had ignored them, and had given Sora the news: he still remembered his high-pitched scream of joy and the consequential cut breath once Sora jumped at him and held him tight.

He could remember the smell of dried sea salt, the cold weather forcing them to walk among the countless churches covered in thick jackets and scarfs, Sora’s infinite curiosity that dragged them into every niche he found interesting, whether it was a free exposition space, a bar, a souvenir shop, and try every food he found tasty, and Venice was full of sweets Sora had never seen. Yuuri could definitely remember Sora’s restlessness the day he finally turned eighteen, by coincidence falling on Mardi Gras, and they had sex “the way adults did”, after buying ropes and floggers and tons of alcohol and leaving long, dark marks on Sora’s sensitive skin, and they both adored to finally let their worst side free to be explored, before watching the masked people overfilling the squares and alleys, the musicians play all over, until late night, heading to whatever big event there was down at Arsenale, and then come out of it and room through the tight and dark streets of Venice under a pale sickle that didn’t give enough light, fog crawling on their ankles and on the waveless canals, keeping each other from falling over on their knees, drinking from the half-way done bottle of cherry vodka, while other groups of drunktards sang folk songs and drank from their bottles, until they arrived at the wide and long Riva degli Schiavoni, the dark water unrestfully waving over the stone, under very dim pinkish lights in front of fancy hotels and water buses stops gently cradled by the very thing consuming them with rust and seaweed. Even St. Mark’s Square was covered in darkness, the church looked skeletal, and the few lights of the lamp posts couldn’t simply show enough, so that the square looked wider and emptier than it already was.

They imagined Venice by night would have been hauntingly beautiful, and in a sense it was, it was stuck even more in the dark times, engulfed by the night and the sense of dread and the sound of water crashing gently like every other night as it did for centuries against such a stubborn city. Behind them, another group of drunktards oscillated and exchanged bottles of cheap wine, loudly singing random songs, mostly Italian songs that nor Yuuri nor Sora recognized, until their voices disappeared in the wind, and the two were again left alone with the sea and the darkness.

Sora’s fingers were cold and looked for some warmth between Yuuri’s thighs, but not before drinking another mouthful of alcohol. His eyes roamed over the large canal, where it came to be into the open sea again and the statues guarded what it was in Middle Age called the “head of the snake”, or so they overheard from a tourist guide, and his head snuggled against Yuuri’s shoulder, purring like a stray cat.

Then, without warning, he claimed «This city is dead, ‘ri».

Yuuri felt surprised at that sudden and macabre comment. «What makes you say so?» he asked.

«Haven’t you seen it? There’s no light, there’s the stench of decomposing shit, it’s like the land of Yomi. Heck, the canal smells like Izanagi’s piss».

«It sure does» Yuuri noticed, and drank another sip of strawberry vodka.

«We should take a boat, right now, and row to - you know where, that island full of curses, Poveglia. We should steal one of those, and row and get ourselves lost in the sea, and live our last days there, and fuck until our hearts stop».

«We can do that right here, if you want to».

«And we’ll cum in the sea, pollute it even more. It’s so polluted, you can’t see beyond five inches».

«That’s because it’s dark».

«Even in the day, you can’t see anything, have you noticed?».

Ten minutes later, they got their hands dirty once again tight around the other’s erection, right when a group of probably students arrived shouting a terrible acapella of a famous Italian song with a nice melody, Yuuri recognised the notes and the lyrics about some partisan dying in action. «Heh, we really have cummed in the sea» Sora commented, his voice getting more slurred.

«Imagine some fish eating our sperm».

«Ew, poor fish!». Sora snorted, and said «We should really take that boat to Poveglia, and sleep there».

«We can’t row, sweet tooth».

«Then let’s stay here, sing songs, and wait for the sun rising. I want to see the sun rising in Venice, ‘ri».

The following two hours never fully got themselves into their memory, but they were made of surely more drinking and probably more jerking off each other. But they were definitely worth it, when the sky turned purple, then pink, and finally the sun let its new red rays on the sinking rocks of that city Sora declared deceased.

In a sense, Yuuri’s his train of thoughts came back into the hospital room where Sora was being observed after a psychiatric drug overdose due to a serious case of heart breaking, they were both dead inside, relying on excess to feel anything positive, as the late symptoms of withdrawal reminded Yuuri.

Sora’s face showed the gentlest and hugest smile Yuuri had seen from him. «Let’s go on a trip!» he exclaimed «Let’s go see the world, and forget all of this behind! I’ll forget that Kurosaki scum, you’ll forget those Sakaki and Macfield scum! We’ll forget every scum, even my family!». He looked at the ceiling, but clearly what he was seeing was not the white plaster. «We can go everywhere we want to! See the kangaroos in Australia, or the tigers in Malaysia, or the castles all along the Danube! Maybe we can go see the pyramids and the Nile, do you think your neighbour would like it?».

«Why, do you want to bring him with us?».

«Of course not!» he laughed «But really, let’s go on a long trip, and forget all the bad things. We could visit Venice again, but with a nicer weather, we could travel all Italy, they say Apulia’s beaches are so beautiful, they cut off your breath. And we’ll even have a road trip soundtrack! It’ll be so cool!».

And then, his smile faded, and his voice lowered «But you’re getting way better than me, aren’t you? You’re more stable, and you wouldn’t follow me, you didn’t even come immediately because you had your own troubles to deal with… you’ve become so responsible, and I’m still stuck with all my demons». His eyes quickly filled themselves with tears, and he started sobbing «I don’t want to be like this messed up and… unfixable...».

Yuuri let him hold his shoulders and cry on them. When did he become the one person who would be the shoulder for someone’s head? It was a too sappy situation, and he had been it in twice in two days, already. «Better, sweet tooth?» he then asked, and Sora nodded «Yeah, thank you ‘ri».

They caressed each other’s hair for a while, until one of the nurses knocked on the door and hurried Yuuri to go away. Before leaving, Yuuri held Sora’s hand one more time and quickly said «Leave the playlist to me, sweet tooth». Sora laughed and tried to hug him, but the nurse curtly separated them and pushed Yuuri out of the room, telling him to leave the patients alone and why would he visit them at such an hour?! Sora managed to shout «See ya on Christmas’ Eve, ‘ri!» before Yuuri couldn’t hear him anymore.

It was still snowing when Sora was dismissed and cleaned from any toxic substance. Yuuri’s shivers were still present, but the urge to suppress them wasn’t as strong as the previous days, it was a good thing his fear of drugs tainted with weird chemicals was stronger than the crisis. On the other side of the road, their neighbours were throwing a party, while Yuuri and Sora petted the ball of hair that was Cézanne and the little Manet purring in Sora’s arms. «Oh god, it’s so cute!» he squeed «It’s like seeing myself as a cat!». There were dark marks under his eyes, he had probably not slept those days, or at least not well, he was prone to nightmares and with what had happened, it was obvious he had many. It was a relief to see him smile, and make projects for the future.

Yuuri realised he had none, nor he had dreams to follow. He wasn’t like Dennis, who had had a clear objective and had done all he could to reach it, nor he had the initiative to jump into impossible ventures like Sora had; he lived everyday without a real expectation of what future had for him. It wasn’t fear, it was simple lack of effort and desire. Having someone like them gave him a reason to not destroy himself completely and actually wish to see the sun rise the following days.

At almost midnight, the neighbours’ were left alone, and the one selling drugs to Yuuri (maybe not for long, if he truly decided to quit them one by one) sat out the balcony, fighting the cold, and playing the radio on his phone at the highest volume possible, blasting:

  
  


_One mile over we'll be there and we'll see you_

_Ten true summers we'll be there and laughing too_

_Twenty four before my love you'll see, I'll be there with you_

  
  


Sora and Yuuri silently listened to it, snuggling, even when midnight came, and Sora bad him «Merry Christmas, ‘ri». Yuuri, for the first time since he was a little kid, felt melancholy instead of contempt toward such a phrase. «Merry Christmas, sweet tooth» he greeted back, sipping the vin brulè Sora convinced him to prepare and wondering if he was really going to set his life into a less chaotic mess than it was, if he would really be able to help Sora get his life in order.

Sora fell asleep with little snores, Manet still in his arms, and Yuuri glanced his baby face ruined, but already recovering, telling to himself that maybe in that crazy adventure would finally find that purpose he was missing, and filling its absence with nihilistic ideals that had never worked.

He fell asleep with a pretty smile on his face, finally comfortable in his little dark world.


End file.
